Am I Trans?

Actually, correction, the first time I was 11, not 13. My personal history is fuzzy at times, maybe years gone by but a couple major head injuries and 20 years of drug and alcohol abuse will do that, I think.
At 11, I had one friend, M. M was my crush, he and I played role playing games a lot and he was my first sexual experience: we had fooled around maybe a half dozen times by this point. He was a grade older than me, and likely feeling his own peer pressures so he was starting to distance himself from me. I would do anything to not lose our friendship, and one day he was on his bike and we had the idea that I tag along, holding his belt or whatever I held, me on my skateboard. I had no skill whatsoever on a skateboard, and this was the 80s, pre- helmet days.
So I fell and smashed my head on the curb, I didn't want to look like a wimp when I first thought this was outside of my ability, and continued.
Fractured skull, concussion, hemorrhaging.
The second time, when I was 16, another friend of mine (M had long since forgotten about me--I don't think we ever hung out again after the injury) who I had known since grade 8, and went off to a different high school than me had been hanging around a whole new group of friends.
It's worth mentioning that by this point, I had effectively repressed all same sex interests, the idea of gender variation was unknown to me, not to be seriously considered until decades later. I had fashioned myself a Marlon Brando tough motorcycle rebel kind of image, perhaps 10% genuine in that it afforded me opportunity to enjoy shopping the look; but if I'm being honest, 90% posturing. Looking back, it's almost as though the jackboots and leather jacket became both a physical and emotional armor, taken straight from the pages of the post apocalypse/cyberpunk worlds I had so often role played with dice and paper years earlier.
I didn't want to lose this friend, R, and that meant fitting in with his new clique. To be fair, they were actually a really good bunch of people: while their friendships were firmly cemented by then, I was to remain an outsider, albeit a welcome one.
So one night, having borrowed my step mother's car to drive across town to hang out, we went to a large park by the lake, the sort of municipal showpiece park that large scale community events are typically held at.
This park has a long driveway, to accommodate access to a few satellite parking lots, and one of the friends from the group, S, pressured me into letting him take my step mum's car for a spin. It's worth noting there was no alcohol involved this night, I am as against drinking and driving today as I was back then.
So there he was driving the car, and a girl I liked (and later dated-- she was very forthcoming in her interest in me, she liked me because she thought I was "pretty"-- I've never forgotten that) was lying on the hood of the car, supine on the longitudinal axis of the car's hood. At first I protested, but then I think I was pressured after that not to protest, and to save face, I climbed on the hood with her.
S started driving up and down the laneway, C and myself on the hood, and she was getting scared, as was I. We went faster and faster, I couldn't get a hold on anything as her hands were already holding the part of the hood where it's adjacent to the windshield wipers, and that's all I remember.
I know that I fell off, she did not. I vaguely remember fighting the nurses at the hospital because I didn't want to be on a backboard any more. I vaguely remember moments of the hospital itself, and the subsequent six months or so total recovery.
Two broken collarbones, two or three fractures of the skull, brain swelling, bleeding, multiple concussions. Significant road rash to my left hip and surrounding area, at least my motorcycle leather jacket prevented most of what would have been worse due to abrading the road as I tumbled across. I think it was later established by the police that the car was traveling in excess of 80kph, so 50-60mph to you.
Those were the two major head injuries I know about, I was extremely lucky the second time, although there is still lifetime cognitive deficit as a result: my ability to organize and maintain a schedule of events over time has been significantly impaired: my perception of time and ability to prioritize a macro scale of things is something that someone else has to do for me, even today. In a focused task and setting, I'm fine; it's things like going to work but then totally forgetting ten other important things, despite all reminders, that I am unable to do.
I think I have had a few other concussions since that one as well. Certainly when I was 18 and was jumped by a few skinheads because one of their friends who worked the desk at a local hotel told them about a boyfriend and I getting a room there. I still wonder to this day if she was listening at the door, spying and then reporting back to her gang of goons. I didn't run when confronted though. Three on one, and the one guy had a reputation for assaulting anyone for any reason he saw fit. I fought back, but never gave up the wad of cash in my pocket as I had just cashed my paycheck, even when one of them pointed a revolver at my head after they put the boots to me.
Head trauma? Likely. Two broken teeth (I squirmed away from the curb stomp), a broken nose (one nostril is still bigger than the other-- it was never fixed properly), bruised ribs, multiple bumps and bruises all over my body.
So, yeah. I have to admit, at 42, it's nice to finally get this out in writing.
One more thing: the head asshole in that group that jumped me? I looked him up on Facebook a few years ago, from what I can tell, life in terms of career, success, had its way with him. From what I could tell, he grew up to be a fucking loser in life.

 

Just you do you.
As it happens, this forum seems to be a safe and ideal place for us to confront our feelings honestly. It's important I think, to be sure in honest self assessment, that we aren't being unfairly self critical. You didn't create your painful memories, you were merely one person among a cast of people operating with no script.
All of life is improvisational at its core: all we can do is hold fast to the values that strengthen us -- honesty, compassion, courage, to name but three. But you already know this, it's plain to see even through our brief and limited interaction that you hold those traits in abundance.
Keep you head up, don't forget to smile today!

 

So today, love yourself for the courage to reach out. I'm so happy you decided to call, maybe next time you call, lie to them if necessary and tell them you live in Toronto or Calgary. I'll bet the line for Cali kids is equally helpful though, but can't say only because I've never called. I probably should have. So your courage is greater than mine.
I'm sitting right now in a five star hotel room, electronic programmable toilet, multi head giant shower, the lot. My wife and I are going to see a Drag Race Christmas show in a couple hours, I'm still working up the nerve to do my makeup and all. Even under the cover of attending such a show, I still get jittery, nervous. I'll manage though, I always do. "The only person who can stop me, is me." That's what I told myself everyday to finally break out of my own hopelessness, decide what I was going to do with my life, and finally start living. If only I'd thought of it sooner... took me until age 26 to make the decision, after barely graduating high school, working tough low wage jobs to support myself, all that.
I think it's the best revenge of all. Remember that loser that beat me up that I told you about? He ain't here, he can't afford the lifestyle my wife and I have earned.
I bet you earn pretty sweet grades. Have you ever considered the endurance it takes to make grades over the distance? It's what separates people like us from the jealous goons who know their life isn't going very far.
Keep your chin up, and your head in the books. You'll get there.

 

In fact, thank you so much, it just occurred to me, kidshelpphone.ca does online chat: texting help. If I can make you feel a little better, I can make others feel a little better, too. You say our interaction is one sided? I'm going to sign up for kidshelpphone.ca myself, see if I've got what it takes. Thank you. You're awesome!

 

Hi no worries!
Just really quick for me too (my beautiful wife wants to go shopping today, which is just PERFECT!)
I started university at 24, left after two years because it was getting prohibitively expensive (I was also working full time to support myself) and didn't see what career was around the corner.
I decided instead to get a diploma in Emergency Dispatch, and did that until the opportunity presented to make my way into Emergency Planning and Disaster Management. As a side hobby, I taught myself embedded electronics (because I wanted to have a better understanding of the types of tools that are used in First Response and Disaster Mitigation), taught myself coding (Python, C, C++), and started building inexpensive electronic solutions to the sort of challenges faced in large scale incidents, such as remote reconnaissance and air monitoring. Still waiting to cash any paycheck on those, though, but it's a passion nonetheless. Instead, I use that knowledge and skill set to teach kids and help build curricula for school kids using the Arduino and Raspberry Pi platforms.