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Am I trans, or just deeply just associating two separate issues?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Person91, May 14, 2018.

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  1. Person91

    Person91
    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    I until recently, had been strongly, almost obsessively attracted to women and thought about them 24/7. I was easily able to get aroused by them until I realized one day, that I might want to be one myself, and perhaps, was living vicariously through that obsession. Upon making that realization, I seemed to lose most of my desire for women, and for whatever reason, began enjoying looking at males more. Also, shortly after that, I began feeling odd, and a huge state of what I feel is depression ensued. As for my identity and body, I am considered attractive apparently, but never felt it, and over the years, hated hearing things like I am looking stronger, my shoulders are getting wider, hated being able to grow facial hair, being so tall etc. I also don't like looking at photos of myself, regardless of the time they were taken. These thoughts were there since puberty, although the actual thoughts of being a woman didn't begin until my early 20s. It began as something I thought was a fetish, but escalated from there over the years. For example, I used to just imagine being the most attractive of women, but over time, those thoughts led to me feeling like I would be fine with looking like any woman, even if she wasn't some 8+/10 in looks. I also did things over time, like look up effects of HRT, transition timelines, etc, and feel a degree of envy. At the core of this, I often wish I was legitimately a woman. As for this situation's relationship to my sexuality issue, I for some reason, feel fine at the idea of being a male's girlfriend or wife. I am not sure why that is, but it doesn't cause me any distress? Maybe deep down, i was wanting to be the female of the relationship all along. I at the moment cannot tell if my disdain with being a man's man is some kind of homophobia, or an unrecognized form of dysphoria. I am very confused right now. I hope somebody can provide some clarity for me or I can talk to someone who's been through something similar.
     
    #1 Person91, May 14, 2018
  2. Caraldo

    Caraldo
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    Gay
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    Well, I have had some gender issues ever since I can remember. I still am grappling with that, though I am not a transition candidate. For a short time, just as puberty hit, I had a real period where I desired to be, felt like, wanted to be viewed as a woman. I also have fantasized about being a woman and having sex with women and men. For me, the idea of being a women full time is not me. I also really want to have sex as a man with men. I am no expert but from what you are saying, I would definitely think you are looking at more of a gender issue. Probably meeting with a therapist versed in LGBTQ issues is what you really need.
     
    #2 Caraldo, May 14, 2018
  3. Connie

    Connie
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    He
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    Bisexual
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    A few people
    I have a similar experience. Ever since I was twelve I desired to have a woman's body but it never actually bothered me, nor did I think on it any more than in the moments when I was sexually aroused. However, in the past nine months or so I have experienced something of an exponential curve in what I believe to be dysphoria. At first it was just that I admitted to myself that my temperment was that of a woman, this was an issue I'd been sort of grappling with for some time because I felt shame for it. But I decided that it was whst it was, and I didn't want to be any different. I also accepted that I admired women for their feminine traits and wished to see them as models for myself, as well as a realization that I was attracted to men. After this passed I came to realize that when ever I conceptualized myself in a situation, it was as a girl, but still I told myself that I wasn't going to go down the road of transition. I knew it was hell, and I didn't want it in the slightest, so I repressed the feelings. This went on stable enough until march. That point was, I think, when the "exponential curve" of dysphoria really started to kick into high gear. Since then I have despaired over not being a woman, began cross dressing very frequently, and even have had the desire to cut myself because I was a man. I have also began to think that I am supposed to be a woman, and have created a sort of alter-ego for myself. This is an extremely confusing issue to deal with, I'm sure you know all too well. I'm no therapist, so I would think it dangerous to advise you on what you should do, but I can advise you to see a therapist itself. I have one, and she's helped me work through a lot of this stuff. Just remember that only you get to decide who you are, and if you don't know what that is exactly yet, don't haste for it. Be patient and the answer will come to you in time. Good luck.
     
    #3 Connie, May 18, 2018
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