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Am I too young to be engaged?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Secondrate, Jun 25, 2016.

  1. love23cali

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    There were a lot of really great points made and advice given throughout this thread...You really should read through it all, because that quote really doesn't trump it all.

    If your partner really loves you, then she will still be around years from now regardless of whether or not you are married. So why do you feel inclined to rush? Your friend's advice that we all should rush into marriage is unwise. The divorce rate is already over 50%...can you imagine what it would be if we all married on a whim, like you plan on doing? Marriage should not be a spontaneous event. If this ends up being a tragic mistake -say one year in you two are constantly bickering - than you will be living a nightmare for years...*time* well wasted. Divorce will be messy.

    Time is not the enemy, particularly when it comes to relationships. This isn't a case of "it's now or never". Just listen.
     
  2. bubbles123

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    Sorry if your question has already been answered well but I will offer my two cents:

    I think the question shouldn't be am I too young, but rather, do I feel ready for this? The fact that you came on here to ask is indicative to me that you may have some doubts to that question, which is ok, and good to recognize and seek answers for! Having doubts, wanting help to figure it out is your brain's warning sign that maybe you need to backtrack a bit and maybe you're not totally ready for this. That's okay. It is always, always okay to do what is best for you even if that means some temporary hardship.

    Remember: some temporary communication and disappointment is VASTLY better than years of dissatisfaction, pain, and heartbreak in the future.

    It is good to want to celebrate a relationship, but that doesn't have to be with marriage right now. Plus, what's the harm in waiting?

    I know you must feel such joy to be in such a strong relationship with someone you really care about, which is awesome, but I know from experience that it takes a lot of time to get to know someone really well. Even if you already know her super well, there are situations you haven't been in yet, things you haven't tried and shared certain experiences. It is those things, the natural steps in a relationship that allow two people to learn how to better communicate. At this point in time in ones life, even if you are an honest and vulnerable person, there are communication skills and challenges that you haven't encountered and been able to learn yet. No matter how strong a relationship, communication hurdles, although it may not seem like it, can make or break a relationship.
    Don't you want to cultivate and progress in those skills before making a huge commitment in a new relationship? If you want to give the relationship your all, maybe you have to accept that giving it your all will mean giving it time, time to grow and stretch in new directions, so you can learn together without the added pressures and commitment of marriage.

    I sincerely hope that you will take this advice and the advice of others to heart, and know that although some of it may come across as aggressive and directed towards you, that it is all meant in good intention as we all want the best for you. Everyone here, myself included, has offered their very best advice based on all of their own experiences and knowledge. Even if some of the reasons presented may not seem convincing enough, please take this fact into consideration, that so many people feel, based on their vast range of life experiences and cultural differences, believe it is in your best interest to wait a bit.

    I wish you the best!
     
  3. biAnnika

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    Too young? Not necessarily. This is life, after all, and it's yours to do with as you will.

    But making such a hefty commitment after knowing a person only 2-3 months seems inadvisable to me. I know it happens all the time, and that's fine...but you're asking, I mean sure...you can find out after 25 years with a person something that you'd never have guessed that really bothers you...but such revelations are much more likely in the first few years.

    Let me ask this...is there a reason *to* have gotten engaged so soon?

    And let me ask this too...why do you ask, since you already *are* engaged? The fact that you ask the question suggests to me that you have some level of hesitation...and if this is the case, you absolutely should not marry anytime soon.
     
  4. guitar

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    Two months is waaaay to early. How well do you know your partner? I mean really them? Do you know their family & extended family well? Have you met a their friends? Have you had close talks with their parents or closest friends? How do they act after several bad days at work or when things get stressful? What kind of person would they be in a divorce? How are they around children, pets? Have you slept in the same bed together? Can you sleep next to them night after night? How are they in an argument? Have you lived together? Are you sexually compatible? What do they want out of a partner? Are they controlling or have to get their way? Are they lazy / do they share housework? Can you agree on a wedding? Can you agree on a household budget? If you get sick , will they be a good nurse and advocate for your health? What did they (and you) do in past relationships? How did they act?

    ...these are just some things to consider. I hope you can answer all of them because if you can't, I would make sure you find out the answers before building your life together. At 17 and 19 you can totally be happy and build a great relationship that lasts years, possibly decades. But I would slow things down considerably and heed some of the wisdom of the other members of this board.
     
    #24 guitar, Jun 30, 2016
    Last edited: Jun 30, 2016
  5. Secondrate

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    As I should also hope I can answer them, and I indeed can. As you and others have said and suggested, a couple of months of being in a relationship is a very small time, we couldn't possibly have even gotten out of the "honeymoon phase" yet. Afterall, we were engaged after two months. Is it so impossible though? In my seventeen years, though not as many as some, have been filled with more adventure, more excitement, more sadness, and more hardships than many of those older than me can claim to have seen. Extraordinary people tend to live very extraordinary lives. In these 17 years, I have come to one conclusion, just one. Anything really is possible, when you think about it.

    There seems to be the assumption that I have posted this thread and question due to doubts or concerns I may have. I assure you all, this is not the case. My question was one of curiosity, want of learning, interest in the general perspective on my current situation. I have come to a rather saddening answer. Love, perhaps the greatest force that brings togetehr entire peoples for one cause, and it has been lost amongst its brother Hate. Everyone doubts things, everyone has things they don't believe in, but it is love that every person can say they know for certain it exists. Why then must we give love so little credit? Is love not powerful enough? Does the events of time somehow make it a wild and wreckless thing?– No, it is not time at all. Time does not wither away love. Time does not measure love. Time does not define knowledge. Time is its own concept, through which people doubt and worry, it is those doubts and worries themselves that cause them grief, but it is not time. Two months, while small in number, two months, is gargantuan in events. It would be unwise to put so much faith into somehting as fleeting as time.

    I know my fiancée. Perhaps better than I understand my own head. I know my love. I know how I love, why I love, and just how I can love so passionately despite having been thrown around in a world of abuse for far too long. I assure you, not to worry for me or my fiancée, for I have made a promise. And promises my friends, are not to broken.

    As for the matter of marriage, that is an entirely different conversation. Yes I am excited at the idea, yes I am happy knowing it will be some day. But do not be confused, I have no false ideas of being married so soon. In fact, I should think it would take at the very least 2 years before we are to be married, but 4 to 5 years seems much more likely. While I am engaged, I get to refer to Crystal as my fiancée. I intend to do just that, and to revel in every moment of it, until I am to be wed.

    TL;DR
    Thank you all again for the replies, and indeed I have read all of them several times, and I understand your viewpoints. In short, please do not worry for me or my fiancée, I have made a promise and have every intention of keeping it. As I have thought, so should you. What about me makes me so certain? How could I after having read so many good arguments, still not have a sole doubt in my engagement? I would hope that you will all think about that, and perhaps you will discover soemthing about yourselves. Thank you all friends, and good luck in all your future endeavors should they be just. :slight_smile:
     
  6. love23cali

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    Yes, it is your life and you are free to do as you wish. We are answering with our own opinions (based on our own experiences with the matter) because you asked.

    Many of us have been where you are now. Some relationships are just AMAZING those first few months...

    It is great that you will have a long engagement. Much better.
     
  7. resu

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    Really ask yourself why you would post on a forum to complete strangers "Am I too young to be engaged?" People don't ask questions if they are sure about the answers (some do, but it's debatable if the question is genuine).

    Even if you made a promise, remember to be honest to yourself in the time passing through your situation. Engagement is not a placeholder for marriage because it is different: a chance to see how things work out without a strict obligation at the end to follow through. In a way, engagement is about engaging with the other person to learn more about each other and whether things can work out.

    As others have mentioned, age may or may not have an effect on your relationship. Other things like whether you are independent (i.e. working or studying for a degree and living on your own or together) may not be glamorous but are essential to success.

    ---------- Post added 2nd Jul 2016 at 05:32 PM ----------

    Also, be very careful about thinking you have everything figured out. You may think you have experienced or done a lot, but it is hard to judge your current situation because you don't have to benefit of hindsight. I'm 27, and I have friends who married their high school sweethearts or someone they met early on in college. Some are still married. Some are divorced. I don't think any of those who divorced expected that when they tied the knot.
     
  8. robclem21

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    I find your approach to everyone's responses short sighted and arrogant. Thinking at 17 that you have experienced a lifetime of events, or that you know everything about your partner, and even yourself is reckless.

    Love is powerful, but it can change. People can change, relationships can change, and no matter how much you think you know after 2 months, it is but the tip of the iceberg. Your unwillingness to take advice from those who you seek it from is a clear sign of your immaturity. I worry that if this takes a bad turn that you, in your own mind, are too committed to objectively evaluate the situation and leave. This is how people get stuck in bad situations and years of unhappiness.

    You are right that it is your life, and only time will tell whether you two succeed as a couple or not. Nobody here can predict the future. It may work, it may not, and there are no "odds". However, your casual dismissal of such an overwhelming response suggests you may ignore logic in other aspects of your life as well.

    Personally, I don't really care what decision you make, or understand why you posted this thread, only to ignore such great advice from those with perhaps even more experience than you. It makes no difference to me. But in 1, 5, 10 years, it might to you in ways you could never have predicted.
     
    #28 robclem21, Jul 2, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 2, 2016
  9. love23cali

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    I agree with your comments. I just didn't want to come across as confrontational.

    I remember being 17 and thinking/behaving in a similar way at times myself. It's part of growing up. At that age, you want to make your own decisions....It's part of the learning process I suppose.

    I know that 17 year old me wouldn't listen to the wiser 25 year old me...
     
    #29 love23cali, Jul 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2016
  10. mirkku

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    Being blinded and stubborn will do that to you. The only think we can discover about ourselves about that is that thank goodness, we're past this point in our life when we think we know it all, understand it all, and everything will be alright as long as we "follow our heart regardless of the consequences and/or context" or whatever cute/hippie thing our teenage years brought us to hold onto so dear. Not that getting older makes you less of a "follow your heart" type: it just teaches you to do it with reason and, above all, humility. That you might want to look into.

    And please read robclem21's answer a few times, too. He's right.

    Good luck on your journey.
     
  11. Reggie

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    Depends on the length of the engagement.

    18 is too young for a lifelong commitment of marriage.

    Want to Avoid Divorce? Wait to Get Married, But Not Too Long | Family Studies

    Scroll down for 2006-2010 graph.

    Wait just 7 years from age 18, and you'll halve your risk of divorce.

    Why is that? I was a far different person from 25 than I was at 18. I was a much different person from 30 than when I was 25. I'm a sample size of one, so that's meaningless. But it appears to correlate with averaged data.

    Is 17 too young to be engaged? Not if you're planning on having a multi-year engagement.

    Is 17 too young to be engaged? Yes, if you're planning on being married within the next year.
     
  12. robclem21

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    What purpose does an 8-year engagement serve? You can be committed to someone without being engaged.
     
    #32 robclem21, Jul 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2016
  13. Secondrate

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    To be quite blunt, your consistent responses and lack of want to understand, leave me rather disappointed.

    But it is when my character is insulted, I then insist to close the discussion. I will not have my character insulted. If you truly believe I am naive or arrogant then it is you my friends whom I must regrettably inform, that you look in a mirror and accuse the image to be mine, when in actuality, the image is your own reflection.

    Any further comments will be ignored by myself, I will not persist to try and change your minds when you yourself have no want to do so. Nor will I sit here, allowing you to spit on my image. Thank you once more for your responses, some of them were rather enlightening, others were quite disappointing. Good luck in your future endeavors should they be just.
     
    #33 Secondrate, Jul 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2016
  14. robclem21

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    Is it our lack of wanting to understand, or our lack of willing to agree with you that has you disappointed? Furthermore, I am not sure why you are trying to change our minds, when it is your decision to make. Someone who was confident in their decision shouldn't need the approval and reassurance of others.

    Artistic prose devoid of content doesn't make you more mature. However, making whatever decision you choose, and then living with the consequences and learning from them will. So good luck.
     
    #34 robclem21, Jul 3, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2016
  15. resu

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    Try not to let rhetorical gymnastics blind you from the facts. As mentioned previously, calling yourself engaged engaged for 4-5 years is a stretch of the imagination. What is the need right now to use the label "fiance[é]" over "boyfriend/girlfriend/partner/etc."? Wouldn't it be prudent to just call this long-term dating? That is a really long time for you, almost 30% of your current age.