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Am I really Bi?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Cinnamon Bunny, Nov 27, 2017.

  1. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Feeling a bit uneasy at the moment. I know no one can tell me what my sexuality is, I guess I'm looking for feedback or assurance. Maybe just getting my thoughts out of musty head.

    It's been a year and a half since I came out to myself as bi, appose to asexual. I came out in my 30's. I know without a doubt I find women sexually attractive and always have. After coming out though, my attractions towards men were still on trial. The thing is, my attraction towards women has always seemed more pronounced, more dominant. The first time I felt attraction was towards women at 9, and the first I recall noticing guys was 17 (though I always had crushes on guys but it was all emotional). In the past there have been moments where I felt physical attraction towards men, I'd fantasy about men for sure, and I definitely feel romantic attraction and get crushes on men. So I accepted that I'm bi and lean towards women. I feel like since coming out to myself my attractions for men have taken a backseat compared to how I feel about women. The guys on dating sites don't really interest me but I see super cute girls even if we don't match. I generally look for erotic stuff with women, I get feelings or crushes on girls, and fantasize mostly of women. Still I find moments where I fantasy about men (real and fiction), get crushes, feelings stir up when I check out a shirtless guy, etc. This doesn't happen super often but it still happens. But I haven't had an overwhelming desire to kiss a guy I know or feel that strong pull of wanting to be with a guy I know in person, like I have with women since coming out to myself. Though this may be due to lack of chances/exposure to guys I'd like in general (I don't get out a lot and atm all my friends are female). There was a guy last month I really liked, super cute and funny, I was looking forward to him coming by, I liked the idea of becoming sexual with him, and would have gone on a date if the chance arose... until I found out he was too young. There was another guy who appeared interested in me, he was good looking... but I just didn't feel the same.

    One of the thing that strikes me, is I have two friends afab but prefer either male or gender neutral pronouns. Both of these friends I have crushes on of varying degrees. Yet, I become “disappointed” or “uneasy” at the thought of them transitioning (I don't know if they would). I really like breasts so the thought of them losing those lovely lumps is, I think, disappointing. I've thought to myself, “But they are still them inside, and I love them as they are.” but I have mixed feelings still. I fully support transgender persons in transitioning, but the fact I have mixed feelings about people I have crushes on seriously makes me question my motives. Why don't I feel full on board if that is what they want? If I'm bi, why would it matter? Could I still be bi, yet prefer women that much more? Is it just some fetish I have about boobs (honestly I do, lol, but would that make a difference)? Or am I just fooling myself and what I perceive as attraction are just the remnants of years of denial trying to fool myself?

    When I hear stories about people who were certain they were romantically and sexually attracted to the opposite sex, but then those feelings were eclipse by their feelings for their own sex and eventually they accepted they were gay... It really makes me question myself. This has always been a concern of mine since day 1. It's just hitting me hard atm. I don't know if my evidence in my attraction for men is good enough anymore. I don't know if it IS good enough and I'm worrying over nothing.

    I don't think I have reservations in being a lesbian. I really like girls after all and it would simplify my life. I think if it bothers me at all, it pushes against a core value I always seemed to hold that gender should not matter in love.
     
    #1 Cinnamon Bunny, Nov 27, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 27, 2017
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  2. beenthrdonetht

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    Hi Cinnamon!

    I hope that writing it down was part of the therapy... our fingers are smarter than our brains! I think your feelings about your genderqueer friends are reasonable: it's OK that there are differences between what you look for in a partner (or a fling) and what you respect as human and worthy of dignity. I'm a big fan of those lovely bumps too.

    Some people use the term homoflexible to (roughly) describe your... what do I say? position? stance? experience? On another thread around here somebody said (to paraphrase) "Dammit, I'm just going to say 'mostly straight' and stop worrying. Let them parse it out if they want to!" Except for you, mostly gay of course.

    But even the most judicious of us feel the tug toward "definiteness". It's so much simpler. Simpler to just lie in bed too. (Binging on Stranger Things has its place.) But you know, i'm pretty sure, that deciding what you "are" means predicting the future. But anyone that can be as articulate as you is a good catch. They'll need a quick mind!

    I guess I only addressed some of your topics, but it's a start. Typing is cheap.
     
    #2 beenthrdonetht, Nov 27, 2017
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  3. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Hey, thanks for replying :slight_smile:

    Yeah, writing it down was helpful and so is getting a reply. Like it doesn't matter if you don't reply to all the thoughts, just hearing some understanding and empathy is greatly valuable. Especially since I was feeling silly for my ramblings.

    Thanks for reminding me I lack a degree in applied psychic readings :grin: I suppose binge watching Stranger Things 2 waiting for the future is more productive and less stressful :wink: It really comes down to more life experience and I can't rush that.

    I know I said earlier not to butter me up lol, but thanks for the compliment. I've been a bit low, so it was good to be reminded that I do have good qualities.
     
  4. quizzicalbrow

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    I relate to your feelings on this a lot. I’m only out to one person but I’m identifying as bi and I think I lean more towards women. And same about people thinking their bi and then realizing they’re just gay. Except I feel fearful of that. I don’t want to get into a relationship with a guy and then realize I’m gay! So yeah, it would be so much simpler to just pick one gender. Less pressure I think haha.

    I don’t think you should worry too much about your feelings towards your friends changing when they transition. Even if they are still them on the inside I think these would be normal feelings to have.

    I also have conflicting feelings about gender not being important in love. In my ideal world, I fall in love with someone because of their personality, as corny as that might sound. However, yeah I also definitely have a boob fetish lol

    Beenthrdonetht is right you are very articulate, reading your post was enjoyable. Thank you for making me feel not so alone about some of my feelings, I hope I was able to do the same for you.
     
  5. beenthrdonetht

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    Hey, Cinna-bun,

    I hope you're feeling better about your path (or maybe just the way you're steering) in life. I won't butter you up, but maybe just warm you up a little.

    On that topic of those lovely lumps, a female friend loaned me a DVD (they still exist) the other day. Over the progress of the movie, the female lead's boobs were progressively more, er, prominent. First a sweatshirt, then an office outfit, then a blouse, then a T-shirt, then a crop-top, then a wet crop-top... (Didn't get to the logical culmination alas. But that's what leaves you hanging on your seat.)

    When I commented on this to my (straight) friend, she said "Oh I never noticed!" But you would have. :slight_smile:
     
    #5 beenthrdonetht, Dec 5, 2017
    Last edited: Dec 5, 2017
  6. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Thank you for sharing :slight_smile: It is a comfort to hear from another who feels similar. So again, thank you ♡

    When I first started to question, I was also worried about dating men only to find out I'm not interested sexually. So I relate there. I was really afraid of getting serious or dating long term only to dump him because I didn't want more. That seems very hurtful for everyone involved. I've adopted a more casual view of dating and it helps. No one knows for sure if they want to stay with the person they are dating, even if they are sure of their orientation. Dating is trial and error. People break up for all kinds of reasons. Part of dating is realizing you aren't compatible and breaking up. It's not plesant... but that's part of life we all have to deal with. So, for me, even if I'm not 100% confident that I will want to be with a guy, I don't feel it's wrong to give a guy a chance. I still want resolution, but I'm okay with dating without perfect certainty.

    I dont know if either friend will transition or even wants to. I think I understand what you mean though, that it's normal to have some uneasiness about change. Regardless of my principles.

    Yeah it may sound idealistic, but I feel like that's how it "should" be too. Yet I seem biased and favor those possessing a feminine curvature :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    When thinking about it, I dont know if "personality is what matters" is part of my denial or an innate belief due to my flexibility.
     
  7. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Yeah, I'm doing a bit better behind the wheel, thanks for asking :slight_smile: I've been spending less time thinking about sexuality and around sexuality topics and focused more on laughter, life, and friends. Eveything will work out in time.

    You mean the "logical cusp" :grin:

    Yeeeeeah the "progressive view" of the boobs would not be lost on me lol! I would get sooo uncomfortable when I was in denial because of stuff like that xD Now I fully embrace the lovely lady lumps :wink:

    [Is kicked out of all good society]
     
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  8. Kelseyk92

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    Could you see yourself dating or having sex with a man exclusively? If so you’re bisexual
     
  9. scifiname

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    So many relatable things you mentioned... I'll try to address them all.

    Firstly, it's always relieving to me to hear about someone who came out after their 20s. I'm 19 right now, and I feel like if I was *really* gay, or anything, I would know by now, but I just don't. After reading every thread that seems relatable to me, though, I feel more and more sure, so thank you.

    It also seems illogical to me that people can change sexualities over time. Like when you said that you've met friends who were certain they were romantically and sexually attracted to the opposite sex, and then overtime it switched and they came out as gay. I feel like that's just the way it is for some people, and that might be how it is for me, and possibly you (but you seem to always have had feelings for women, so probably not).

    On a related note, I really understand what you mean about wanting to just *know* and be either completely, undeniably straight or completely, undeniably gay. I guess we unlucky few don't get that clarity. I wish I was someone who loved girls my whole life and the thought of men was always out of the question, but here I am. I liked guys all my life until I started liking women, and now I don't know how I feel about them and if I'm trying to force myself to not like them and like girls more because I want to be a lesbian and not bisexual. It's comforting to hear that it's a possibility to have feelings for the same sex "eclipse" the feelings you once had for the opposite sex. I think that's where I'm at.

    Finally, I also get what you mean about your trans friends. I don't have crushes on my trans friends, but I matched with this one trans guy on ###### once and I felt disappointed at the thought of him still having a vagina, but then I was like... but if you like girls, why does that matter? I still don't understand that, honestly, but I just wanted to tell you that you aren't alone in that respect.

    I came here expecting to find, at most, only vaguely more assured than I was, but every post I see resonates so much with my feelings.
     
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