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Am I Racist?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by alainbeaux, Apr 14, 2017.

  1. alainbeaux

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    Hi Everyone,

    I'd like to get your opinion on some issues I'm having with my sexuality. Please keep in mind while you read this that I am completely closeted and have never been in a sexual relationship of any kind with another person. This is about my sexuality in a more abstract way.

    I'm kind of distressed by the fact that I'm not attracted to black people or asians. Does this make me racist? I mean, I'm pretty much only attracted to white people (or moderately tanned complexions). I seriously can't help it. I've had many asian friends over the years, but have never felt a sexual attraction to them. I feel really bad about this and feel like, if I do come out of the closet one day, that I'm just too particular. I mean, I'm not too particular. I typically don't like guys who have amazing muscles and are super pumped. That actually turns me off a bit. I'm attracted to leaner physical types and if they have a handsome face it'll get my attention. Honestly, Tom Cruise in Cocktail is basically my ideal look for a guy (I hope this doesn't make me sound like an idiot to you guys, I'm just being honest). Anyway, what do you guys think? It's just that, I feel if I ever said a blanket statement like this to someone ("I'm not attracted to black or asian people") I'd be crucified for it. But I mean it - I wish it weren't true. Is there something wrong with me (I mean, beyond being gay)? I hope you guys don't think I'm ignorant or closed minded for feeling this way.
     
  2. Aberrance

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    Nah, I wouldnt say so. I'm Indian myself and I don't typically find Asians/black people attractive, Im usually into white guys (bar the relationship I'm in atm). You're not ignorant or closed minded, it's just a preference. Like you say, you'd prefer a guy that's lean like you'd also prefer a guy that's white, that's okay.
     
  3. Rin311

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    NO, you're not racist. I'm only attracted to East Asians like me and Middle Eastern guys (probably because I grew up around both groups). That doesn't mean that I hate blacks/whites/South Asians or think they should be discriminated against. Sexual attraction is not bigotry.
     
  4. Simple Thoughts

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    No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it's just a sexual preference. We all have sexual preferences. Some people find certain eye colors more attractive, some people like certain hair colors, as you said yourself you like certain body types. There is nothing wrong with having preferences it's completely natural.

    There's nothing wrong with being gay either, and I'm sorry that you feel there might be *hugs*
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Everybody has their type, so you don't need to apologize for that. Where you could get into trouble is how you express your type. If you post "No blacks, No Asians" on your profile that would be viewed as racist by many people. When talking about your type to others, it's better to keep it positive (what you like, such as Tom Cruise in Cocktail) and avoid listing out what you don't like. Having said that, try and keep an open mind when you start dating that you might find a great person with a body type that you like who happens to have a skin color that is different from what you expected.
     
  6. Argentwing

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    Racism is believing some races are objectively superior to others. What you feel is unequal attraction, which is what 99.9% of people feel and it isn't related at all to the former. Just like being a gay man doesn't make you a woman-hating sexist, other preferences don't mean bad things either.
     
  7. smurf

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    Yes, 100%

    Attraction isn't built in a vacuum. We are humans are taught what to find attractive. We aren't born liking blue eyes over brown eyes. This is not something that is within our DNA and some people "just happen" to like certain body types more than others.

    The psychology of attraction is incredibly complicated, but one thing that we know is that attraction to other people is based on many factors, all of them being exterior factors.

    People can fight against it all they want, but the fact that you like one kind of nose rather than another type of nose isn't in your DNA. The fact that you like straight white teeth isn't in your genes. You were taught all of that.
     
  8. CubbieBlue

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    It does not make you racist. Not at all. You can't help who you find attractive and who you don't. Society does not make you like one type of person. If it did, we'd all like the exact same people and no one else would get any love. Why else would you see a person you don't find attractive at all happily married or in a relationship? Because we are all attracted to different people. Sure, some people like Tom Cruise are more appealing to a larger number of people, but that doesn't mean he's everyone's taste (I actually don't find him attractive). Personally, I like dark skinned women, in particular Indian and Latina women (never been attracted to Asian women either). And for guys, I tend to like black men and Italian men, but have also been attracted to tall white men. This does not make me racist either.

    And I think what SeinnaFire said is very good. You might not really be attracted to black or Asian men, but you might one day find a guy that you like and he might be either of the two. Because just like we don't choose who we are attracted to at sight, we don't choose who we feel a bond with when we get to know someone.
     
  9. guitar

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    Smurf completely missed the mark. By his logic you were taught/learned to be gay. Certain biases can be the result of nurture, but having a base attraction usually isn't one of them.

    Listen to Argentwing, he's right on the money. You're not a racist for having preferences, you're human. I think women are amazing, but I don't want to sleep with them. That doesn't make a mysoginist.
     
  10. klix

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    To be honest there's too much absolutism here, no you probably aren't racist, but society probably is.

    There is a societal issue that western standards of beauty are lean, muscular white men. As an overweight guy I've struggled with that, and I've read articles from black and asian men who find it extremely hard to meet guys because of these societal standards.

    There's an interesting article that I can't find right now by a black gay man who himself sees the same standards among his gay black and asian friends.

    The thing is that we are all affected by these expectations and standards, I don't think you can be held fully responsible, as long as you are open minded and treat everyone nicely. You get a lot of guys on these apps who look down on you for not meeting their standards, they make nasty comments, or ignore you, treat everyone respectfully, it doesn't hurt to say "sorry you're not my type".

    Also writing "No Asians, No Blacks, No Fats, No Fems" or using filters to exclude people by race or body type are discriminatory and prejudiced, and frankly even if you are only attracted to white guys, if you remain open minded there will always be a cute asian or black guy pop up on your app every now and again.

    So to answer the question, this is a very complicated topic, and I really don't think you can say yes or no, however I think if you are respectful to people, open minded, and just swipe left and right based on attraction not on race then you're doing you're best.

    I think as a broader issue we need to put pressure on the media and advertising to become more diverse, but I don't think anyone should be hooking up with, or dating someone they don't find attractive just for fear of being discriminatory.
     
  11. PatrickUK

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    I wouldn't say you are racist, but I would urge you to remain open minded and avoid excluding people en masse. There is always 'that one person', who might not be your usual type.
     
  12. OGS

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    I wouldn't say you're a racist but I'm actually pretty much with Smurf on this one. I wish these conversations didn't so often boil down to the question of who's a racist and who isn't because it implies a great deal of intentionality that just sort of masks the real issue. Yes, there is a basic sexual urge but how that manifests as actual attraction is definitely socially constructed and unfortunately in most cases it's constructed in a racially charged context. What you describe is, it seems to me, almost certainly the product of a racist culture. I'm not sure that makes you racist so much as it makes you another victim of racism.
     
  13. gravechild

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    Am I the only one upset over this? It sounds more like you're seeking approval than anything else (oh, I'm another gay white male who can't help myself...). "Asian" and "black" are very broad groups, and have more to do with culture than race alone. The same way people acknowledge that white people vary by geography, physical attributes, and culture aren't afforded to people of color. It's one thing to say "I haven't been attracted to a black or Asian person" to "I'm not into them".

    As far as being racist goes... I believe most of us have been affected to some degree by an oppressive system. Have you heard of self-hating minorities, or internalized racism? Even someone raised in a multicultural environment and actively against racism has to check themselves. Myself, well, I've a few negative experiences with black men, and my family has its own biases when it comes to them, so I suppose a part of me is closed off to the possibility of getting "too involved". Asians, I don't see as some exotic beast, since so many groups lived here, and we have more in common, physically, culturally, politically/socially...

    I don't believe its the same thing as being gay, at all. Too many point to their orientation as an excuse to write off responsibility for being misogynist, racist, or whatever. The fact that so many white gay men exclude others, and the fact that so many gay men of color prefer white men should be proof enough of that. Just out of curiosity, what have your experiences with blacks and Asians been?
     
  14. Simple Thoughts

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    I'm going to try and calmly address this because it's something that gets under my skin and I've erased my message three times already for feeling too spite filled.

    You are attracted to who you are attracted to. You cannot really help that. I'm sorry, but not being able to get aroused by a Black or Asian person does not make you basically the same as the KKK. It literally has no bearings what so ever on the way you view other people. I don't know where this idea comes from, but it's just ridiculous.

    It's not even like the original poster said they'd never get with a black or asian person ever. I'm guessing in the right set of circumstances and with the right person they would probably be perfectly fine dating someone who is Asian or Black, but generally speaking they usually are attracted to white people.

    Also what about white people who are mainly attracted to black people? Are they racist too?

    What about an Asian person who was only attracted to other Asian people? Does that make them racist?

    This idea is just absurd.


    I didn't know the LGBT comunity was in the business of policing who people were and were not allowed to be attracted to, I thought that was the anthesis of what we stood for =/
     
  15. anthracite

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    No, you just got a type. Most people stick to their own race.
     
  16. Flowey

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    So it's either "You're not a racist" or "You're not a racist. Society makes you an unwitting racist". Hahahahaha :lol:

    Ok, let assume you're a racist for not getting turned on by blacks and Asians. So what? You don't fancy them only means that others who actually fancy them getting a higher chance of dating them. Dating is a market where everyone is both buyer and seller and everyone has a different criteria for choosing their product. Even if you take race out of equation, your choice of sexual partners will still deny million men of their chance with you. Do you know that Thomas Sowell, a black American economist and philosopher, is completely unabashed about his preference of black American women? He's completely unapologetic about it, and so should you.

    On the other hand, attraction has been known to change over time. I'm not going to tell you to be open-minded because when it happens, it happens. Someday you might totally be into some black dudes. It's not a big deal. You are not a government, you are not a workplace and thus you are not obliged to give people a fair chance of having you.
     
  17. alainbeaux

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    Sorry if my post upset you a bit. I didn't mean to sound as if I were seeking approval. I just wanted to voice this concern I've had for a while over my sexual preferences. As far as my experience goes, I've had many asian friends over the years (not so many black for whatever reason). It's just that, no matter how much I like them as a friend, I've never been attracted to any of them. And, I should actually say that, just the other day, I saw an asian guy who I thought was pretty attractive. But, like, he wasn't too asian-looking. Like, he was sort of 1/2 asian 1/2 caucasian in skin tone. And his eyes and nose were very "white." I know this sounds bad how I'm describing it. And I honestly wish I was attracted to a broader type of guy. Like, one of my best friends right now is from China and there's no way I've ever felt attracted to him (he's straight, but that's kind of beside the point because I've mostly been attracted to straight guys my whole life since I'm not an active member of the gay community). And like, honestly, I've looked at black guys and have really tried to find them hot and just can't. But the guys who fit my type I'm just naturally attracted to without any effort. Maybe it's because I spent my childhood with almost no black or asian guys around.
     
  18. Creativemind

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    It's not so clear-cut. You can technically be a racist and yet be attracted to black/asian people (such as people who fetishize, will sleep with black people but never date them, treat them cruelly/like objects in bed) because the beliefs still link with hatred toward these races.

    I can understand why someone would be upset, but I think shaming people for their preferences is counter productive. Sure, we should try to analyze who we're attracted to, but at the end of the day a person will always have their opinion. And personally, I would want to date someone who is attracted to me, not a person who pretends to be attracted to me because they want social justice points.
     
  19. 18breanna

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    I don't think you are racist at all, but I think this point needs to be made at thr same time. As an upper-middle class person living in America, we've all been conditioned to like certain features that have been "given" to us by environment. It's the reason a pale face and slim body is attractive in East Asia, but a dark complexion and more weight is considered attractive in the African American community. While doesn't say anything about you personally or morally, it's something to keep in mind.
     
  20. Lackey

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    No. I don't think you're racist. Most races prefer their own. However, I hope you don't think other races are ugly or unattractive. You can think someone is cute or handsome but they still might not be your type or you might not be attracted to them in a romantic way.

    ---------- Post added 9th May 2017 at 02:15 PM ----------

    Well said. I agree.