1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Am I overreacting?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by CharlieChalk, Sep 21, 2017.

  1. CharlieChalk

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 13, 2014
    Messages:
    475
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Qatar (Originally England)
    Okay, I don't really post about myself that often, but here goes nothing. If nothing else, it'll be a good little rant for me! So this is probably going to be very long and waffle-y, but the good news is you don't have to read it! (If you are looking for a sign not to bother, this is it!)

    Just some useful background information:
    - I've worked abroad for pretty much the last 5 years (Seychelles, Qatar and Maldives - not that any of that is relevant to this);
    - I came back to the UK in December 2016 to help my Dad - The reason for this was because at this point Mum had been ill for over a year and had been in hospital for 2 months continuously. Dad also needed a bak operation due to chronic pain, but couldn't get it done due to Mum's battle;
    - Dad has his back operation in April 2017; and
    - Mum died of cancer in July 2017.

    Okay, anyways. Am I overreacting?

    Just before Mum died, Dad would spend 4/5 hours a day in the hospital with her, before coming home where I would even have cooked dinner or we'd pop down the local pub to have a few drinks (4/5 times a week). As he was busy juggling work, hospital and having some sort of social life, I basically became a housewife. I was going all of the cooking, the cleaning, clothes washing, shopping, looking after the dog etc. I was his chauffeur for the two weeks he needed it after he had his back operation - even driving him to the hospital to see Mum and then going to wait in the car for the 2/3/4 hours he spent with her. This pattern continued until Mum couldn't survive anymore.

    Flash forward to just over two months and I've been kicked out of my "home". Okay, not kicked out as such. But I was told that Dad wanted to live alone in "his home" and he didn't want me there. I was welcome to stay there if I came back from working abroad (I've been trying to go back abroad to get away from both Dad and my bro!) but in terms of the now, he wants me gone. I couldn't win that argument because he counter everything with "well, it's my house". (Cool, thanks Dad!). So I'm now living on my own. I'm in a rented house and it's all fine. I moved in last weekend and bought myself a big enough TV to watch football on that it's enough to distract me. Anyways, Dad is still working 3 days a week, playing golf another two and dating (Oh yeah, two months after the "love of his life/soulmate of 31 years" died he is going on 3/4 dates a week). ANWAYS, because of that, I'm basically having to go back to my "home" (I don't even consider it home anymore - in fact, worse. The house I've pretty much spent all of my life (bar uni and working abroad) growing up and living in, I hate it and I don't want anything to do with it.) But I'm having to go back to look after the dog. So, this dog is a 14 year old Rhodesian Ridgeback and as lame as this sounds, she's probably been my best (and only?) friend. So yeah, she is old and just wants company. She'll bark at people when they are home just because she wants you to sit in the same room as her. So I'm doing this daily. Going "home" in the morning, staying all day and then coming back in the evening after she has been fed and then Dad goes in (and probably ignores her) for the evening after work or whatever socialising he has been doing. I'm evening getting texts from Dad now saying stuff like "Please can you feed the dog as I won't be back in time. Date!!!" with zero notice. Now he has made a BIG deal about how me "moving out" (that's what he tells people...) is so I can gain my independence and learn the value of money - I think he forgets I've spent 9 years on my own from uni and working abroad - and yet he requires me to go home with a click of his fingers because is serial dating or whatever and hasn't considered the dog.

    I'm angry. I'm angry with the whole situation. I feel like I basically threw my entire career away to come and care for this family whilst Mum was going through her battle - I was continuously checking up on my brother too in the process. And then we get passed her death, do the funeral, do that odd few week period afterwards where my presence or distraction is still needed and boom, then I just get chucked aside. Out I go. My company isn't good enough anymore. Fine. That's fine. If you don't want me around, I'm not going to be around. But don't keep calling me or texting me when you need something from me. I've been back "home" every day since I moved out on Saturday. I've been given a shopping list and sent to get things because he is on a date or golfing. I'm angry at the way I've been treated. To the point where I sent him a text basically saying how stuff is getting ridiculous. I'm 75% sure this is going to let to a confrontation (which I am usually so good at running away from) purely because I'm so angry at the situation. But my issue with that is that even then, I'm not going to be allowed to tell him how I feel. Dad is quite a proud and strict man and if I get angry or raise my voice, he will instantly demand respect and not to be talked to in a raised voice - which is going to infuriate me more. Alternatively, I'll probably burst in to tears telling him all this, because my body likes to betray me when I'm frustrated! But why, why force me out of your house, when I'm still having to spend all my time there looking after the dog and the house whilst you go and do whatever the hell you want. How am I able to lose the same fight twice?!

    Just an additional tidbit, last night I sliced my finger pretty badly - to the point where it's needed stitches. Anyways, I text the bro asking if he had any plasters - clumsy me forgot to buy some for the new place! He replied he was down the pub (turned out he was with Dad) and he would get back to me when he got home. Needless to say he didn't. Now I know that sounds like no big deal, but the bro (kinda like my Dad) is selfish. If he needs you, you'll hear from him. If you need him, or just want a little chat, the guy disappears off the face of the earth! I spent all Friday at his last week, waiting for a sofa to be delivered. ALL. DAY. He didn't even get back to me regarding a damn plaster. So tissue and tape it was! I know that sounds a bit petty and lame, but it's been my whole life. My whole life has been one big quest of protecting the bro, getting the bro out of detention, dropping the bro off in to town, bro this, bro that. At his and both parents request. I've never EVER got anything in return.

    Anyways, congrats if you made it this far. I feel like you deserve a medal. And kinda writing this out loud has made me feel really pathetic, so that's fun too. Ha. I feel like I can't win and that I don't even want to be part of this family anymore. But hey, what do I know! Maybe I am overreacting...

    (Apologies if anything doesn't make sense - I typed this quickly and didn't re-read).
     
  2. Gravity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2011
    Messages:
    321
    Likes Received:
    256
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think your frustrations are very understandable. On the one hand, your father just lost a spouse of 31 years, the mother of his children, etc., and even if he's dating again, it might be a mistake to assume that this didn't hit him hard, and that he's not just processing things in a different way than you (or others) might.

    That said, pushing you out of the house while at the same time asking you to be there every day to run errands, take care of the dog, etc., is also certainly odd. Again, he may have his reasons, but if he (or anyone) wanted you not to live with them anymore, my immediate assumption wouldn't be that they would expect that level of help afterward.

    Because it's an emotional time right now, probably for everyone in the family, I wouldn't suggest cutting ties or taking a job abroad purely to get away from the family (if it's a job you genuinely want and feel excited about, that's different of course). But it would be appropriate to have a conversation about boundaries. If your brother wants you to come wait for a furniture delivery again, establish clear times for your presence - after which you will be free to leave. If your dad wants the house and dog to himself, that's fine, but lay some ground rules down so that you aren't feeling taken advantage of. Maybe you could run errands for him one afternoon a week, or perhaps it would make more sense for the dog to live with you (if you're very attached to him/her and your dad isn't, for example).

    If they listen, and are willing to set up some boundaries, then great. If they don't want to listen, and expect what they've been getting all along, that's an answer too in its own way. But I would at least try to establish something workable, for the near future if not permanently - not out of anger, but so that you and your family both have some clarity and security here.