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Am I nonbinary or transgender?

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by SilverWave, Feb 22, 2020.

  1. SilverWave

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    Hey there. I'm not really sure how to start with this, but I'll try my best to explain my situation. Sorry if this seems WAY too long.

    I was born a female and have always been considered a female until about 3 years ago when I admitted that sometimes I feel way more comfortable as a guy than a girl. I considered myself genderfluid from that point onwards. I just recently started telling a small group of people my gender identity in hopes that I can feel more like myself. However, now I'm questioning myself even more. I'm starting to realize things from my past that I would have never thought to look over if I had never been given the freedom to be who I want to be.

    I guess we should take it back to the very beginning. I'm serious; the first instance of my gender identity that I overlooked comes from my first memory. It was a dream where I saw my parents walk away from me as I cried. I overlooked the fact that I was very comfortably a guy in the dream, and I knew that. I tried to believe it was someone else, but it was definitely me. This may be a weird thing to remember as my real first memory, but there it is.

    As a kid, my sister and I were considered tomboys. However, we were still very different. My sister liked fishing, riding dirt bikes and getting the "boy toys" from fast food places. I loved video games, epic fantasy tales, and exploration. Over time, she became the typical teenage girl and I stayed the same, a nerd/geek. I was also very much into music, especially rock. I always liked singing (or imagine performing) songs which had male leads. I was extremely comfortable with not doing my hair up nice and wearing baggy jeans+band tees. I didn't try makeup until I was 15, when my sister insisted she put some on me for a party celebrating the end of middle school.

    When I started high school, I started putting on eyeliner and mascara as my full face of makeup for each day, but I still kept my typical attire. (Plus an extremely baggy sweatshirt I wear constantly, even to this day, that came from a sports shop.) I remember questioning if I was bisexual (spoiler, I'm demisexual) and finding out the hard way that my parents would not accept me as anything but their heterosexual daughter. (Context if you'd like to know: my mom has asked in a panic state if I'm a lesbian, saying "Oh thank God" when I said no, and also my parents have confiscated a free poster I got from an online order that depicted a nonpornographic lesbian relationship.) So during my entire time in high school, I considered myself an ally.

    Now that I live with my fiance, I have realized I can be who ever I want to be... To an extent. I tried an androgynous look and I really loved it. During the time I did this (summer of 2017) I would mostly dress as neutral/mixed unless I was going out with friends to a club, which I would then dress feminine because I felt like I absolutely had to (only my fiance knew I was genderfluid). I hate admitting it, but I still do this when I go see my friends because I'm afraid they won't see me as anything but a woman. Also I dreaded having my hair grow back to it's original length, no matter how pretty it was, but I did it anyways because people who knew me with long hair said I looked so much prettier that way. Even my fiance claims he loves my long hair. Which brings me to a major issue with me questioning myself.

    My fiance has told me that if I were to completely become a man, he wouldn't love me anymore. He could never get used to using they/them pronouns and always refers to me as "his girl". It's starting to feel weird that I'm being called a girl. It doesn't feel right. I think all of this is making me more snappy towards him and I feel bad. I feel like no matter what I do at this point, he won't accept my preferred pronouns or the fact that I'm anything but a cisgendered female.

    Now that my backstory is out of the way, here are some major points that make me question who I am:
    • I feel like every time I dress feminine, I am trying too hard to conform to my sex.
    • I don't like the idea of changing my body because it took so long for me to love and appreciate my physical self.
    • Despite not wanting to change my body permanently, I still get gender dysphoria sometimes when I can't find a way to bind my chest. I mostly feel comfortable with a sports bra when I go to work, but I believe a real binder would make me happier on my days off.
    • Some days I still get gender dysphoria due to not having enough male looking clothes to choose from and forcing myself to pick something feminine (like leggings and/or a pretty shirt)
    • I noticed I'd rather have a male point of view when thinking about romances.
    • I have used the statement "I'd rather be a guy" half jokingly when talking about getting my period, as I feel like I have no use for them and do not see myself having children.
    • I used to be terrified of hair on my face and arms because I feared I looked too much like a guy and that's not what people want to see. People around me wanted to see a pretty woman.
    • I believe I'm only holding back my true identity because I'm scared that my fiance will break up with me and I'll be forced to live alone.
    • I can act childish sometimes (in a cutesy way) and that apparently makes my fiance think I'm more feminine than masculine.
    • I've always gravitated towards having male friends.
    • The thought of men wanting me as a woman scares me, but the idea of someone wanting me as a guy feels a bit comforting.
    • I am very protective of my friends and see myself as the strong one that will act as their shield.
    • I'm concerned that feminine ideals being forced on me has made me extremely confused.
    If you have read this far, wow you are amazing, thank you. Please ask questions if you are interested in helping me out. I feel like it could help me understand who I really am.
     
    Ninny and MarkRen like this.
  2. TrevinMichael

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    I just want you to know I think you are the best you no matter how others see you.

    You also seem to have a great understanding of who you are.

    We are all unique and worth so much love. Sending much kindness and joy to you today.

    TM
     
    SilverWave likes this.
  3. LaurenSkye

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    For starters, you should not commit to being fully male until you are absolutely sure that that's what you are. Just continue doing what you are currently doing. Secondly, if you haven't already, you have to have a serious discussion with your fiancee about your gender and your feelings toward it. If he can't accept you for who you are you have to start considering if it's worth it to stay with him. Would you be happier living an authentic life while starting over or would you be happier being with the man you love, but who doesn't love the real you. I'm not going to straight-up tell you to leave him, that's something you have to decide for yourself and you first have to have serious discussions with him, with other people close to you who you are out to, and most importantly with yourself before making any big decisions about that.
     
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  4. SilverWave

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    Sorry for not replying for a while. I talked with my fiance and he said he'll be supportive, but that I shouldn't commit to a full transition unless I know for sure. (I totally agree, I shouldn't rush it.) We both noticed I am a lot happier and strangely more productive now that I've told him and started to freely be male around him.
     
  5. TrevinMichael

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    I am glad you are doing better this everything.

    I agree with everyone and you about going slow.

    Be who you are. Be just be. Soon you will see how much beauty you possess just in being you.
     
    SilverWave likes this.
  6. TrevinMichael

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    sending you flowers and butterflies in the hope of Spring to arrive.

    I am in Minnesota so well Spring is a nice thing to happen to someone.
     
    SilverWave likes this.
  7. SilverWave

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    Hey sorry I haven't been online much. Thanks for your kind words! Spring is a wonderful time of year. Definitely helps my mood!
     
  8. TrevinMichael

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    Sending more flowers, hummingbirds, and butterflies, and well smiles and laughter.
     
    SilverWave likes this.