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Am I Lithsexual?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Leonardo5, Jan 20, 2020.

  1. Leonardo5

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    I’ve done a lot of research on this topic, and being lithsexual is the closest thing I’ve found with what I experience.. but I’m not certain yet.
    Some background info:
    I’ve always had crushes. Even once on my teacher, but they never last longer than a few months and I move onto someone else. In my mind I really crave their touch and being sexual with them, but if it were to actually happen in real life I would literally run or just have a panic attack. I think Im fine with touching someone else, but I just can’t have someone touching me, I don’t remember the last time I hugged someone (maybe haphephobia?).

    Am I lithsexual? Or is it something else?
     
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  2. Destin

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    I didn't know what lithsexual meant until now, but I can guarantee that is not even a real thing. The definition is: "someone who feels sexual attraction that fades or disappears when actually engaging in sexual acts"

    ...which is better known as "being horny."

    A lot of people would be scared to actually do it if their sexual fantasies came true. That's not a named diagnosis, it's just how fantasies/crushes are.

    Everything you wrote just sounds like anxiety which most people have about something, for you it's just focused on being touched.
     
    #2 Destin, Jan 20, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2020
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  3. Chip

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    'lithrosexual' is one of those utterly bogus labels dreamed up by somebody on Tumblr with absolutely no credible study of any type.

    What you're talking about is in the realm of mental health concerns. As Destin suggests, anxiety, a history of trauma, or various other factors that, at some unconscious level, make it uncomfortable and unsafe to be in intimate situations with people. This is definitely not hard wired, as a sexual orientation would be, and can be dealt with effectively with therapy.
     
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  4. Benway

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    Thank you. I'm glad somebody had the guts to say it. You have no idea how many people I meet online who say something like "I'm akoisapiodemisexual." And they think they're right when they're actually experiencing a mental illness.

    Onto Jay557's issue. I experience something similar. As soon as I have an orgasm, I lose all interest in sexual activity. I prefer to concentrate on the other person as much as possible if I'm working with a partner and make sure they come first because I know I'm not going to come. If I orgasm, that's it for me, I can't keep connecting to my partner sexually, probably for the whole day. This is not limited to one-on-one sexual activity for me, but also to solo sexual activity. If I'm chatting with someone online, and it's getting hot and heavy and I finish myself off in the middle of it, I'll just stop talking to that person, and usually I'll go a step further and delete my account on whatever dating app I'm on to prevent myself from going back to that conversation.

    It's a problem, Chip seems to think it can be fixed with therapy, but I've never talked out a solution to this, I just get a "and how does it make you feel when that happens" response from my therapist whenever I explain the situation. So nothing really comes out of it. Maybe I'm wording it wrong, but I don't know any other way.
     
    #4 Benway, Jan 21, 2020
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 26, 2020
  5. Andrew99

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    Sounds like you just have a lot of fantasies and then get bored of them after a while.
     
    #5 Andrew99, Jan 21, 2020
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  6. Devil Dave

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    Maybe you're just not feeling ready to be physical with another person? The thing about having crushes is that people don't turn out to be like our fantasy of them. We imagine them speaking and acting one way towards us, and in reality they treat us completely differently. Dealing with someone's personality in the real world is completely different from daydreaming about them.

    Also, how do you feel about your own body? Are you confident in your own appearance? Do you have any physical conditions that are bothering you, that might make it difficult for you to have sexual experiences with a partner? If something is holding you back, then I think you should address it rather than look for a label to hide behind.
     
  7. Destin

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    It's probably this, extremely common and not necessarily about anger/sadness like the article says, sometimes it's just boredom. It's better known as "post-cum clarity" these days.
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-coital_tristesse
     
    #7 Destin, Jan 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2020
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  8. Leonardo5

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    So lithsexual isn’t an actual thing.
    It’s probably anxiety then, I do believe I have some level of haphephobia because I cringe at touch. I am also a closeted trans male, another reason.

    Thank you all for the help
     
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  9. Benway

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    Yeah tell me about it. I have that "clarity" in the most horrible way. For years, I'd masturbate and when I finished, I'd say "I'm not gay, I was just horny." It took me decades to get over that. I'm not sure if "clarity" is the right word for it. It's more like this ashamed feeling. I know it very well, it's four in the morning, I've just finished myself off and I'm staring at the galaxy of unborn dripping down my hand in abject horror at what I've done. It's not fun. It's like whatever force that governs the universe is playing a dirty prank on me, sometimes. I still get it from time to time, especially if I'm watching BDSM spanking videos or something weird like that. Sorry to be explicit but I can't think of any other way to appropriate my thoughts on this rather unusual matter that I don't think gets enough attention.
     
    #9 Benway, Jan 21, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 21, 2020
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  10. Chip

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    The cringing at touch is, as near as we know, nearly 100% environmental/behavioral. In other words, something happened (or didn't happen) in your childhood to make you uncomfortable with touch. This and the anxiety are most likely interwoven, and are definitely things that therapy can effectively address. It's a lot more than 'how does that make you feel' if you're working with a competent therapist, because it involves exploring the deeper awareness of when and how those perceptions developed. In the words of Gabor Maté (talking about addiction, but this applies equally to anxiety, depression, self worth, etc), the question is not 'why the [addiction/depression/etc]' but why the pain'. When we identify the early-in-life coping strategies that came into play to allow us to survive, we then are on the road to changing the underlying messaging and feelings permanently.

    @Benway, one of the problems with therapy is a lot of therapists suck. We've talked about this before, and it sounds like you haven't had the best (though, as previously discussed, social workers and MFTs are often actually better therapists than doctoral-level psychologists, as their training is often more directly focused on clinical skills, where psychologists often receive more research-oriented skills and training.)

    Also, I want to address the issue of the bogus labels, as Benway's comments sound pretty judgmental. The issue is, for whatever reason, we've gotten to this point in American society in particular where, instead of exploring and addressing the underlying issues, someone, somewhere decided that we stick a bogus label on it and call it normal and acceptable. And in many cases, that's valid and reasonable if it works for the individual. The field of abnormal psychology has changed pretty significantly in the past few years to where we now only really consider something a 'disorder' when it's causing significant stress or discomfort for someone. So, for example, the person who has absolutely no sex drive, no interest in sex or connection with others doesn't have a disorder... unless this causes him or her distress. I often challenge people who self-identify as asexual, because, even according to the (mostly shoddy) research on asexuality, some 60% of asexuals also have depression or anxiety, both of which cause a loss of interest in sexual interaction.

    So for the person that feels no sexual attraction or arousal, it makes sense, all other things being equal, to first look to see if there are other issues, such as depression or anxiety, that could be getting in the way. They might think they're happy, but if they've lived their whole life with low-level depression, they may have no idea what a happy life feels like... and, carrying that a step further, no sense of what a wonderful connection and feeling of love is. So yes, they may be 'happy' within the capacity of what they know how to experience, but there might also be a vast, beautiful, unexplored existence awaiting them if they are able to address the underlying mental health disorder. And since many of the so-called labels (the ones that are research- and evidence-free, and lack any sort of credible grounding in anything) are essentially labels slapped onto what would otherwise be described as mental health disorders, cognitive distortions, or thought distortions, it makes sense to at least explore the possibility that a different perspective, or effective therapy might open up a whole new world of joy and happiness for them.

    All of that's a longwinded way of saying that very often, the simplest answer -- that there's something within us that we can explore with curiosity and openmindedness -- can lead us in a very positive direction, without the need for special or unrecognized labels.
     
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  11. Benway

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    I was touched inappropriately by an MFT as a child, so I don't trust "family" therapists. And I see a social worker, I just call her my therapist because that's the best label I can come up with for her. I see a social worker instead of a therapist because she's all I can afford. I had a really good therapist many years ago, but he doesn't take the insurance I started using when I turned 26, but I still call him from time to time for free advice, even if it is brief and over the phone.
     
  12. Chip

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    I'm sorry you had a bad experience with an MFT. That's something you should explore with your therapist, because excluding all MFTs because of a bad experience with one would be a little like excluding all men/all doctors/all retail workers/all whatever because of an experience with one. If you have not done so, making a report on this therapist, if she is still practicing, would be wise.

    Now, that said, MSWs ARE therapists, and far from being 'all you can afford', can be better than psychologists for the reasons I gave above. They are in no way second rate as a group, though there can be shitty MFTs or MSWs just as there can be shitty PhD/PsyD psychologists. In many of the professional trainings I went to, the masters-level therapists were often more insightful than the doctoral level ones, probably in part because of the difference in their training. If you aren't having good luck with your current therapist, it's worth discussing with her, and it is also worth considering a different one.
     
  13. Aussie792

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    I want to chime in a bit about the use of clinical terms (or faux-clinical terms). I'm in no way clinically qualified but I find this useful for me.

    A really helpful way to manage the really difficult period of being trans, in the closet and (perhaps, but you haven't said here) struggling with body dysphoria, is not to let the struggles define you. It is often much more helpful to think 'I feel anxious' than 'I have anxiety', which is itself much more useful than the statement 'I am mentally ill'.

    There are obviously limits to this - they're useful labels for doctors and at a semantic level any one of these statements will likely be true if the others are also true. But as a matter of framing, it's much nicer and more human to ask yourself, 'what am I feeling and how can I try to understand and adapt to that?', than it is to ask 'what clinical condition defines how I feel?'. The same goes for 'I don't like being touched' over 'I'm haphephobic' (especially if you've not been diagnosed with irrational fear of touch).

    A useful example is with your emotional response to work habits. Saying 'I had an unproductive day because I was distracted' is so much better than 'I'm bad at working', which beats 'I'm a lazy piece of shit' by spades. Each statement reflects on the same thing but the first statement is so much better. It isn't universal (in that it doesn't apply a blanket statement about you), it isn't moralising (in that it doesn't say you are worthless because you were unproductive) and most importantly, it leaves you room to rationally explain the cause for the bad thing.

    Behaviours like this help identify what's making you feel which emotions. That's much better at identifying what's wrong, fixing bad habits and realising you're in a bad place earlier than you might otherwise do.

    As Chip's pointed out, there is a niche if weirdly vocal subset of leftist politics, especially online and among young people, that has a tendency to magnify small behaviours into entire identities. It's presumably these circles that coined 'lithisexual'. I'm not going to lie by saying I don't relish the chance to point out this very often misses the point, exacerbates mental illness and sets up political battle lines where talking to a friend or a therapist might be more useful. And I don't want to be patronising to you for using it, I just want to suggest there are more useful ways to talk about the same thing.