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Am I gay or bisexual or do I truly have HOCD?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Bokon, Apr 3, 2020.

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  1. Bokon

    Bokon
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    I had to stop the meds because I couldn’t live life without being able to have strong, satisfying orgasms.

    But now that I’m off the meds and experienced strong orgasms with gay porn, it feels like I was using the SSRI to cover up my true sexuality.

    I don’t know what to think or feel right now. I’ve been trying to watch straight porn again and now I’m barely getting any arousal. And I feel like I can’t honestly call myself heterosexual since gay porn causes arousal in me and due to same sex experimentation in my childhood and teenage years.

    I guess I’d be ok with identifying as a bisexual but I don’t want to lose the attraction I feel for women. It feels like it’s fading away now.


     
    #21 Bokon, Nov 9, 2024
  2. Nickichico78

    Nickichico78
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    I had OCD 22 years ago it was horrible experience the disacoation to the fact it rob me of focusing on other things in my life. I had harm OCD total nightmare uncontrolled crying and dissociation. It took heavy medication and marijuana to break the stranglehold OCD had on my mind. My OCD was never in the sexual orientation realm since experienced sex with both men and women before the OCD hit me. I stopped most meds as most did not work and no longer needed them. My arousal very different in my 20s vs 40s as need emotional connection to partner or I feel wasting my time.
     
    #22 Nickichico78, Nov 9, 2024
  3. Ran

    Ran
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    Go to your professional, tell your doctor about these effects and maybe they will write you something better.
     
    #23 Ran, Nov 9, 2024
  4. Bokon

    Bokon
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    I don’t think I want to go back on meds. I already tried 2 different SSRIs.

    However, today I masturbated to gay porn 3 times. But I noticed that thoughts of women and the idea of being with a woman kept popping up, which is confusing me.

    I’ve been told before to quit porn and masturbate using my imagination to truly determine my sexuality, but I’ve never been able to hold off porn long enough to see. Maybe I should finally try that? Maybe I’ll finally know?
     
    #24 Bokon, Nov 11, 2024
  5. Ran

    Ran
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    You do need some sort of treatment and there are options available beside medication what you can google, but also therapy is important, like CBT. It's important to manage it, otherwise it will get worse.

    I will refuse to answer any sort of sexuality questions here, because otherwise this thread will go on forever. This won't help you.
     
    #25 Ran, Nov 11, 2024
  6. DrakePrincesd

    DrakePrincesd
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    Hi
    I also have SOCD and experience thoughts similar to what you describe. I'm grateful for posts like this , it reminds I'm not alone struggling with it.

    Regarding the thoghts about women, when they pop up, I try to ignore them. I'm probably bisexual (gay-leaning) and I'm also afraid of losing attraction to women, but my hypothesis is that if you're bi, the attraction (however small) will still be there. It is only shadowed by anxiety (if I try to watch straight porn and maybe try to fap on woman only to prove myself I'm bi, my anxiety effectively kills the arousal).

    TRIGGER ALERT!
    I think that the anxiety stems from my refusal of being gay. So, as a form of ERP, I try telling myself that I'm gay and acting on it. I absolutly hate mysels for being gay, but I feel like this is the only way to fight my anxiety.

    I'm sorry, but I cannot provide you more advice other than my own experience, but I think that speculating about the sexual orientation has little sense before the OCD is dealt with, at least to some degree.

    Take care and keep on fighting!
    Drake
     
    #26 DrakePrincesd, Nov 13, 2024
  7. Feuer445

    Feuer445
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    I'm in a fairly similar boat as you although I'm not officially diagnosed with SOCD just OCD. Earlier today I was masturbating to straight stuff and it wasn't really going anyway and I was kind of forcing myself so I decided to just stare at the guy in the frame and very quickly after felt close to finishing. It's definitely very stressful and makes me feel like I've lied to myself for over a decade
     
    #27 Feuer445, Nov 14, 2024
  8. Chip

    Chip
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    You've basically answered your own question. You are straight, the SSRIs balanced out your brain and got rid of the anxiety that was causing the OCD that was causing the intrusive (and false) thoughts, and all was working fine until you went off of the medications.

    There are quite a few SSRIs that effectively treat OCD, some of which do not have the interference with orgasm that the one you are on does.

    I highly recommend talking to a psychiatrist with specialty in managing OCD and trying a different SSRI. You don't deserve to live in this state of constant discomfort.
     
    #28 Chip, Nov 18, 2024
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2024
    TinyWerewolf likes this.
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