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Am I contributing to bierasure if I come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by hoolahoopycray, Jun 26, 2024.

  1. hoolahoopycray

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    I’m 24 , f. Since I was kid knew I was attracted to women but struggled with it until I was like 18 and told people I was bi. I have dated and slept with plenty of men and genuinely cared for some of them. Have also been with women here and there, but recently I had a real and intense relationship with a girl. It ended sadly but I just can’t ever see myself with a man since. I feel like I finally finally accepted that im gay and im so in love with women. Sex with a man doesn’t appeal to me anymore but I can’t get enough of women. I also read some stuff about comp het and identified with it a lot. Always been terrified of my feelings for girls and always been more awkward around them so I dated men. But it never felt really satisfying. The sex was ok, it didn’t disgust me. But now I feel really gay and I want to be out as a lesbian. But I’ve been seeing a lot of stuff online from lesbians being pissed off at bi girls saying their lesbian when they’re not and that if being with a men isn’t disgusting to you means you’re not a lesbian. Also heard people saying that it’s just internalized biphobia. I don’t know. I feel guilty and confused somehow. It’s like, I’ve always wanted to be gay so bad am I just forcing it? Like repressing any attraction to men because I only wanted to date women? Idk why it matters so much to other people but I only want to be with women romantically and sexually so is it wrong if I come out as gay?
     
    #1 hoolahoopycray, Jun 26, 2024
    Last edited: Jun 26, 2024
  2. FemWired

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    Sexuality is a spectrum, terms like "gay" and "bi" are just descriptors we currently use to explain who we are generally attracted to, there will still be variance within those identities. If you believe "gay" best describes your feelings, then go for it! It's not someone else's place to tell you that you're not gay because your experience doesn't completely match theirs, they can't know how you really feel.
     
  3. tearingtherose

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    Ignore those gatekeepers, they don't represent the broader community, and you won't find people saying that here at EC. Like you, I knew from a young age that I liked men, but ultimately ended up married for over 20 years to a woman. Since separating and a lot of reflection, I accept that I am same sex attracted and that comp het caused me to develop internalised homophobia and led to my trying to be straight. People are welcome to say otherwise, that I must be bisexual because half my life was with a woman, but I won't listen.
     
  4. JT1999

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    I don't think its wrong. If you are generally not attracted to men anymore and only want to be with women, that's pretty much the definition.

    There's definitely some fear of partnering with a bisexual people, both from straight people and gay people. But of all the lesbians out there, I imagine its a pretty big proportion that have previously been into men or with a man in some way before coming to terms with their orientation.
     
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  5. Chillton

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    Biphobia is definitely a prevalent and odd thing. I experienced some of it after I first came out as Bi but later identified as gay. After I went on dates with a few guys my attraction for women severely diminished and felt the Bi label really wasn't for me anymore. Sure technically speaking I could still be considered Bi and I still think women are attractive, but it's so minimal that I don't feel the need to really acknowledge it and I don't really think about it or want to. So labels are just labels. They are not perfect. The spectrum is a wonderful and complicated thing. Trying to fit everything into a box is lame. It takes away all the wonder and thrill. No one has the right to discriminate against how you identify even if they may not agree. Your sexuality could always change in the future too. You never know what life has in store.

    Some people see individuals who are Bisexual as fence straddlers who don't commit to either side, and ultimately will be more naturally drawn to the opposite sex. In many ways it's also seen in the same light as people dating individuals still in the closet. It's just viewed as a place or position of turmoil and many people do not want to take that risk or go back to that uncertainty. Also you know how Some straight people discriminate against the LGBT community and are offended by their existence. The opposite is true for some members of the LGBT community viewing Bisexual individuals.

    I know my explanation is very broad and blunt but that is the simplest and easiest way for me to break it down for you.
     
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there! The most important thing here is, is how you feel, and what you are learning about yourself. What matters is to whom you feel attracted to, what allows you to say 'this feels right.'

    Critics, wether they be online or in person, don't count. People will at times make statements or say 'you are not a real this or that,' because creating the 'us versus them' binary helps them to create a sense of community that shares their beliefs, and makes them feel safe. Making things certain, where things could still change, or where pieces might still uncover themselves, is one way to avoid asking more difficult questions about oneselve, the place one occupies and the surroundings.

    Gaining the additional understanding about yourself, knowing that you can see yourself with, are attracted to women, shows how much work/thought you have put into it, and the resulting confidence.
     
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  7. hoolahoopycray

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    Thank you so much for the replies ❤️ they really helped. You guys are right, I don’t have to justify my sexuality to gate keepers , it’s about my feelings. Kind of scared about coming out because k know my parents hoped I would end with a man but I feel so much happiness calling myself gay and thinking about relationships I could have with a woman.
     
  8. JT1999

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    There probably are a lot of people currently identifying as bisexual (or who have come out as bi) who will ultimately end up being gay, whether they know it already or they’re in the process of dealing with changing feelings and undoing comphet. I guess it is maybe more comfortable for people to take two smaller steps than one bigger one. I think bi people need to try really hard not to take this personally. I appreciate for some that’s easier than it is for others.
     
  9. silverhalo

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    When you find the right woman and your parents see how happy she makes you, they will be ok.
     
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  10. Mirko

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    From what you have shared it sounds like with a bit of time and understanding your parents are going to be supportive. As silverhalo mentioned, how you feel will have an influence on how they might react. You will know when it feels right, or a good moment has presented itself to come out. :slight_smile:
     
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  11. Right Field 6

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    There you go I think you have got it now. As long as you feeling good and happy it that’s all that’s count.
     
  12. tallslenderguy

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    Though comp het a newer term, it's as old as life itself. Another older descriptor is ethnocentricity. i think either is born out of the notion that life in general can be fitted into binary, black or white terms, leaving out the infinite shades in between. i think there is something about the simplicity of the binary approach to life that appeals to humans sense of surety and security. Infinity, on the other hand, can be fluid, unsure, insecure.

    Binary approach means we can establish a thing once and be done with it (e.g., "there is only male and female with absolute and strict definition of both"), so it also requires a lot less energy and effort. I.e., we can base our actions on memory instead of having to continually look, listen, see and hear. i see the former as a type of death, the latter as living.
    i believe that the binary approach to life is an illusion, that it does not reflect reality, so it actually has the opposite effect on us individually and collectively: i.e., it makes us unsure and insecure when reality raises it's head and what is contradicts the comp het notion of what should be.

    i was raised in a comp het religious culture that purported stuff like "peace that surpasses understanding." i was so conflicted most of my life, trying to be what i 'should be' vs who and how i am. It was a daily tortured existence filled with anxiety and tears, aloneness. But i doggedly pursued understanding, answers, and finally realized that i didn't really know many of the things i believed were "true." Those things simply failed to aline with reality, over and over and over, ad nauseam. It was like some type of sitting under a tree meditation enlightenment when it happened, when i was able to say about those espoused (conditioned really) ideas: "i don't know." It wasn't so much reaching a place where i reached yet another binary conclusion, being able to acknowledge what i didn't know was immensely freeing and i had instant peace. i think because reaching that place was simply a place of reality, and the anxiety just disappeared... and has never returned. Now, i live based on what i know, see and hear, and am not longer afraid of the fluidity of living.
     
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  13. BradThePug

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    This is something that is pretty common I think. I've gone back and forth with considering being gay and straight, so that is why I stick with being bi. People tend to forget that sexuality is a spectrum. There is also a stigma that bi people just cannot make up their minds. I think that it is important to to remember that you define yourself and that others really have no say in how you choose to identify.
     
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  14. Chip

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    "Erasure" is a bullshit, overly dramatic phrase perpetrated by a small-but-annoying contingent of people set on making drama where none exists. Nothing anyone does can have the effect of, according to OED, "removing or destroying all signs" of bisexuality.

    While it's true that a lot of folks identify as bisexual while they are on the journey to finding themselves, and ultimately they decide they are gay or lesbian, this does not mean that there aren't genuinely bisexual people.

    You absolutely shouldn't avoid using the label that best fits you because a bunch of dramatic folks think that someone is "removing or destroying all signs" of their existence. Isn't happening, never happened, isn't going to happen.

    Please be who you are. Use the label that best fits you.
     
  15. JT1999

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    "Make your mind up." Ugh, I hate that. I have made my mind up.

    upload_2024-7-9_9-57-58.png
     
  16. LlouW

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    It sounds like you are probably lesbian but it's up to you. Don't let anyone talk you out of it or say you can't be a lesbian because you have had sex with men. You DON'T have to think that straight sex is disgusting or unpleasant to be a lesbian. That is only true for one sub-class of lesbian. It is a continuum. If you like sex with men but would rather be with a woman, that is one type of lesbian. Most of them are like me - I have tried sex with men many times and found it didn't do too much for me. I didn't find it unpleasant - just disappointing. I have always been attracted to women. If you are lucky enough to enjoy both types of sex - then you are bisexual. Some lesbians are capable of loving men - even though they don't enjoy sex with them. One of my girlfriends was completely bisexual - she had NO preference between men and women but she was in love with me. What turned me off was that she wanted threesomes with her live-in boyfriend. I'm not sure what level of love she had for him. She considered herself a lesbian, but maybe she just felt that way around me. To find your answer just think about how you enjoy sex and who would you like to be with. If I had a chance to meet a nice, good-looking man or a similar woman, I would take the woman without hesitation. That is the type of thing you should ask yourself.
     
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