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Am I bi or am I overthinking this?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by eminindo, Sep 12, 2017.

  1. eminindo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Warsaw, Poland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I've always been attracted to girls, getting crushes on them as early as in primary school, with no crushes on boys in sight. I didn't think anything of it really, I'd just thought the feelings I was having towards girls were "intense friendship feelings" and the feelings towards boys would come in time. It probably had something to do with me having no idea that gay people existed (hi Poland you CHRISTIAN CHRISTIAN country) and that being gay was a valid thing you could be. When I finally realized what those feelings meant, I accepted it right away. It didn't mean I was happy with it (religious country and all that) but at least I knew what was going on with me now. Fast-forward to today - I'm out (except to my family) and proud. However, recently I've been getting more appreciative of the male form. I've never really noticed if guys were attractive or not before, as I wasn't attracted TO them. However recently I've been talking more and more with a guy friend of mine (who knows I'm gay). We've always been close but now it's at a new level, he's told me a lot personal stuff he doesn't tell anyone else, and I did the same. I don't think I have a crush on him, because I don't get butterflies around him or anything, I don't wait by the phone praying he'll call and other such bullshit :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    A few days ago we were at a party at our mutual friend's house and we both got tipsy drunk, drunk enough to not be able to walk back home but not drunk enough that we didn't know what we were doing.
    We were laughing about something (we were alone in a room on a bed because the rest of the people at the party were already asleep) and then we just kind of... kissed? I've never kissed a boy before, I've never even wanted to. However this kiss wasn't bad, it wasn't bad at all. It turned into more of a make out session. I honestly didn't want it to stop. But then he slipped a hand under my shirt and tried to undo my bra and I basically bolted to the bathroom, pretended I was sick from the alcohol. I didn't bolt because I didn't want anything more to happen, I bolted because I did want something to happen, and that scared me.

    I have no desire to be in a relationship with a boy, not even this guy-friend. However I think I may be slightly kind of sexually attracted to him? So now I'm sexually confused, again... Ugh. Am I bisexual with a very very very strong preference for girls? Am I gay and he's just my one exception? Am I gay and this is just my internalized homophobia trying to get me to think I could actually like guys too? Or maybe I'm demisexual, because I was definitely not attracted to this guy friend before we became closer...
    So confused, send help :frowning2:

    TLDR: Always liked girls, but now I may like this one boy (only sexually though). Am I bi or am I overthinking this? (What up thread title reference!)
     
  2. shadowalex

    Full Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I had similar experiences to yours. All throughout middle and high school I was always pressured by my family to disclose whatever boy they thought I was crushing on at the time but in reality 90% of the time I was crushing on a girl and didn't know how to put that into words towards my family or even myself. I denied my sexuality for YEARS. (Im bi/pansexual.) I've realized over the years that I'm way more attracted to women than men, and I only feel sexually attracted to men that I feel a strong romantic/emotional bond with. It might help to think about terms such as homoflexible and heteroflexible. So really, yes you could be bi or pan. Maybe take it slow and see if you really are attracted to some guys (even if its just one). And in the end you could still be a lesbian/gay. Or just a lesbian that has had romantic/sexual feelings for a guy once in a while. There are no rules. It's really all up to you what label you feel suits you. I hope this helps. :slight_smile:
     
  3. eminindo

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Warsaw, Poland
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks for the reply! :slight_smile: For now I will try the take it slow approach, just see how I feel. I'm just scared to be in this headspace again - questioning my sexuality. I thought I was done - it was difficult enough the first time around. I was just like- I'm a lesbian, yay! Now I finally know who I am. And I tied so much of myself to this label that it's scary to have to wonder if it's really who I am. I hope I can figure this out eventually haha