My wife has been, by and by, quite supportive of me since I came out a couple of months back. Despite the shock and the emotional up's and down's we are preparing for an amiable separation in the late spring. I trying to be gentle with her and understanding as I work a couple of jobs to pay off some bills and put a little more money in the bank. I am not trying to date, which was a relief to my wife. However yesterday we had a bit of a tiff. I mentioned to her that I found an active LGBT community within driving distance. They sponsor dinners, gaming, hiking, trips and counseling sessions among many other activities. I expressed interest in attending a few of these events just to meet some other gay people and possibly make some friends. My wife was adamant in her opposition. If I did so, I would have move out of the house. She said it was inappropriate for me to attend such functions while we are still together. As we talked, it appeared what she was really afraid of was that I might meet someone and start dating. I felt her attitude was rather harsh. I insisted I wasn't using this group as a dating site, but she wouldn't budge. I could move out now but don't want to blow all my money that I was hoping to save. I will not attend those LGBT events and will wait out the next few months until we separate as planned. I am trying to stay positive but am somewhat resentful. Was my interest in attending a few of these social or counseling events at this time a bad idea? Was I being unreasonable?
Personally, I don't think you're being unreasonable and I do see how you can be resentful. She has loved you for a while (I dunno how long you have been married but from what I can remember from other posts you've done, it's been a while.) and it's hard when your spouse not only tell you that your marriage is done, if she was not ready for it to end, but to see you move on when she isn't. I don't think (and I could be wrong because I don't know your wife) it is necessarily that you could find a potential boyfriend but that you are in fact moving onto the next chapter in your life. It is very easy to pretend/convince yourself that everything is all right and that there is still a possibility to recover/save the marriage if you aren't actually getting out there and embracing your interests and spreading your wings as they say. I also understand your resent toward here because once you accept yourself and you are ready to get out there and be yourself it's hard not to do just that. I personally have never liked being told what to do, be it from my parents, friends, and wife. With her telling you that you can't explore this side of you is holding you back from what you want to do and essentially telling you that she's not ready to see you going out and hanging with LGBT people, people like yourself. It is going to take a lot of time to accept that you are not only someone she thought you were and that you are ready to move on. It can feel like a betrayal. That this is all because of something she did. That you never loved her. It's hard not to take something like this personal and that's probably at the stage she is at now. Though I could be wrong about all this and it's just my two cents.
Chaosbi, I so appreciate your very thoughtful response. Yes, my wife and I have been a long time (32 years). Perhaps, because we have been together so long and have had a happy relationship, she may not be quite ready to move on yet.The heart moves at a different pace than the brain. My eagerness to meet other gay folks like myself may indeed feel like a betrayal, that I am ready to begin the new chapter in my life. I can only hope that by the time comes for us to part, that my wife will have finally come to terms with all this. I don't want her to be unhappy and really wish the best in her new life too. She is in better spirits today. I can afford to give her more time to adjust. I only have to wait a few months more. Thanks so much for your two cents! *smile*
I totally agree with your decision @Dionysios, out of courtesy, as well as financial and emotional stability, you decided to wait till late spring for the separation, you don't need to make her feel that you are now separating by seeing other gay people or by getting involved within the lgbt community. In my opinion, I think that you should stick to the main plan of late spring, then you can do whatever you want. Who knows, may be on the first day of your involvement with the gay community you might meet someone that you like, you cannot stop the heart from beating for someone, it can happen (low probability but can happen!), then if it happens, you'll feel sorry for your wife and for breaking the promise you made.
