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Am I being unreasonable?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by 4AllEternity, Mar 12, 2013.

  1. 4AllEternity

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    I discussed a recent crush I've had in an old thread. It was a really confusing limerance, I was never sure how he felt about me (friend or crush), but when we talked, he ended up telling me that although he cared about me a lot, he just didn't feel that way for me. I accepted that, and although I still had a crush on him, we've been able to be good friends, and I've stopped obsessing over him like I used too.

    Anyways, so things were good for a while, but over the course of our friendship, he's frequently done things that hurt me, or made me feel like nothing more than a minor acquaintance. Things like telling me he wants to hang out or meet somewhere to walk home together, and then just not showing up or canceling at the last minute. Furthermore, he often will either make some transparent excuse (rather than just tell me he doesn't feel like it anymore), or go as far as straight up telling me something else he'd rather do came up, i.e when I asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said something roughly like this:

    "I was actually going to ask you that myself this morning, but then my sister asked me if I wanted to hang out." (hang out as in get stoned together).

    This seems just thoughtlessly cruel, like "I did want to hang out with you, but I'd much rather get stoned with someone else". It's not what he's saying that's really hurtful (as hurtful as it is, I can understand his reason, just not why he'd be so callous as to volunteer that information :frowning2: ), but that he'd just say that to my face, that he enjoys spending time with me less than someone else. I don't know how to really explain it, but I understand friendships can be like that. But I would never say that to another friend, I would just say I already have plans, rather than "I'd rather hang out with someone else".

    He's also told me several times very enthusiastically that he wanted to meet, he didn't just casually suggest it, but would say things like "Yeah! I'd totally love to meet this weekend!", which would make me happy, as I enjoy having a friend like him, who's so much like me. But then, he'd just not show up. He wouldn't even send me a text message canceling, he just wouldn't appear. And then after, he would even tell me that he just didn't get around to contacting me to cancel.

    I know it seems straightforward, like he doesn't respect me the way a real friend should (I don't expect him to love me, I can accept that he doesn't feel the same. I just feel I deserve to be treated with some dignity), but things are complicated by the fact that despite how these things hurt me, I do know why he does them. He's not intentionally cruel or thoughtless, as everything he does suggests that he simply doesn't realize that these things are hurtful. Furthermore, I have a good idea why he seems so clueless to how his actions make me feel, as he is treated that way by his siblings, and presumably some other friends all the time. I've seen his sister pull the same stunt with him, asking him to meet with her, and then canceling at the last second. So obviously he just assumes that most people do that, and thus doesn't have any qualms doing it himself.

    Regardless, I do know with certainty that he's not being intentionally cruel. That much is clear. He always seems puzzled when I seem upset when he does something like that, like he didn't expect me to care. In many ways we are very close, we hug each other goodbye, and we're both very comfortable discussing our hidden feelings with each other, fears, worries, etc. We have lots of close conversations, and have a lot in common. So all in all, we are very good friends in many ways. He can be sweet sometimes, offering me gloves so I won't be cold on the way home. However, he contradicts this often by being so blatantly callous towards my feelings.

    This brings me to today. He pulled the same commit-then-cancel routine this weekend, and this time it was just the last straw. I couldn't keep doing this, getting excited to hang out, only to be disappointed. So I decided that my attempt to move on from my feelings for him while still being close friends had failed, that I needed to distance myself from him in order to really move on. Part of what has made this so hard is that he's just not consistent, I never know where I stand. Sometimes we're like best friends, at others I seem like the second-fiddle friend, the one you only hang out with out of convenience.

    So I've sort of backed off from him, after establishing that he really did consciously decide to stand me up this weekend (rather than some event preventing him from contacting me), I've not said much to him. I really hate holding a grudge, I'm the type to just explode when I'm angry (though usually I do it in private, I rarely do it in front of people. I just go on an angry tirade, and then fizzle out xD), and then quickly lose all feelings of anger or resentment towards the person. I don't believe that hating the person is constructive, and although my crush hurts me (which makes me instinctively want to hurt him back), I do still care about him and wish him well. So although I feel the silent-treatment is necessary at this point (I've tried to remain close to him, and this is far from the first time he's hurt me), in order for me to really let go of my feelings for him. It seems very clear that he does not reciprocate them, so it's just best to let them go. However, I still feel guilty about giving him the "cold shoulder", as I usually find it to be childish. However it just seems like the best way.

    So my question is, do you guys concur? Or am I perhaps taking this too far. On one hand I'd love for us to just be friends, but I've tried that so much, and am constantly let down by him. He seems to only want to be with me when it suits him, yet when we are together, we seem like two peas in a pod. I'm just so confused :frowning2:
     
  2. Ianthe

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    Well, the first instance you mention, where he was going to contact you but then his sister called, that shouldn't bother you. That just means someone else called and made plans with him before you did, and he otherwise would have wanted to see you.

    It does seem like it would be a good idea for you to distance yourself a little, because you are overly hung up on him still.

    Regarding his tendency to flake--some people are just like that. I have attention deficit disorder, and as a result, I'm not always particularly reliable. It doesn't mean I don't care about someone if I forget I was supposed to meet them, or just fail to get there.

    I think it's a good idea to distance yourself, but you should talk to him and explain why. And if you are mad about something, it's a better idea to explain why, rather than expecting him to just know.
     
  3. 4AllEternity

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    I understand that I'm not going to be the foremost figure in his life, I'm not a needy person. I don't need to be his favourite friend or anything selfish like that, it's just that he so often makes me feel like his last choice, I don't feel like he values me. I often get the impression that he enjoys hanging out with me, but I'm literally the last person he wants to hang out with. I can understand that, though it's still hurtful. However, what bothers me is that he will openly make that clear. He frequently makes casual remarks that although are not direct (he doesn't literally say "You're my last choice"), they clearly imply that he'd rather hang out with any of his other friends. I feel unappreciated, that even though I've always been there for him when he's been upset or down, always accepting of him, he still doesn't value our friendship more than any passing one.

    But regardless, that's not why I'm taking this action, it's the fact that he just doesn't even afford me the dignity a friend deserves. Although I would still be hurt if he texted me canceling out at the last minute, I could respect his decision. At least he let me know. However, he often does not, and as such forces me into a position where I feel used. I have to wait for him, as if I leave right away, I could be in a position where he may text me and I'd be the one standing him up. However, if I stay and he does not show up, I feel pathetic, having waited for him so foolishly. Either way I feel like shit, yet he could at least give me some dignity by just telling me he changed his mind.

    I will admit to still having strong feelings for him, but they are tempered by the fact I have accepted the nature of our relationship. I do know that he may meet someone and fall in love with them (he may even have already met someone, he keeps me seperate from his other clique), I know that he does not love me. What I had hoped for was that we had some kind of bond, like best-friends. We always seem close, like we're able to talk about anything with each other. I value that aspect of our relationship, I can be content being a good friend.

    What hurts me the most is not that he doesn't love me, but that he just doesn't seem to care about me, despite everything we've been through. I seem to just be another friend, and I don't even get treated like I feel a friend deserves. I certainly wouldn't do the things he does to any of my friends, even just acquaintances.

    So the driving force behind my decision to distance myself with him is not really because I feel the need to get rid of my feelings for him, but because the relationship feels toxic. He constantly lets me down, but then builds me up again with kind words (that do seem honest, he doesn't use me for anything). So I'm constantly on this rollarcoaster ride of "We're best friends ^_^"/"He doesn't give a shit ಥ_ಥ".

    He never really includes me in his other friendships, he never invites me with other friends, it makes me feel as I embarrass him or something, yet I do not know why (we share a ton of interests, I'm a pretty open-minded person, I'm not naive, I'm mature, etc). Basically, I feel like he only wants to hang out with me when there's no one else available, which of course makes me feel like crap.

    The thing is though, I can accept people will slip up now and then. It's not like he forgot to text me once so I'm having a tantrum, it happens all of the time, after we talked about meeting several times prior to the time. It's gotten to the point where I'm fairly certain that he just decides against hanging out with me, so just stands me up. It happens all too often to be a coincidence, every time something more enticing comes up, he has an excuse not to be there, or he changes his mind at the last minute and decides he feels like chilling at home (but gives me some excuse instead). As for the excuses, I have no idea why he feels the need to use them. I've made it clear very many times that I don't want him to feel like he has to lie to me, and I've backed up that statement by consistently being level headed. I'm not a drama queen, I don't sulk every time he changes his mind about a meeting. Up until now, I've always just let it go and moved on, but it's gotten to the point where I just feel so empty, so unwanted.

    For example, he often doesn't want to walk home together after school, saying he'd rather go right home (he rides a bike, so yeah, for like 5 minutes he'd have to walk it before we split up, adding about 5 minutes on to the total ride home, big whoop :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:). We both walk the same way, it seems odd that he wouldn't want to spare 5 minutes just to walk with a friend. It's such a tiny amount of time to spend, I don't know why one wouldn't. Sometimes he acts like spending time with me is some great pain he has to endure for the sake of our relationship, but whenever we actually do hang out, we really mesh well, we have a great time.

    I know, I sort of do want to talk to him, but at the same time, he shows such little care for how I feel, I feel like a fool for being open with him. I've been hurt so often that I've lost that ease of communication we used to have, I feel foolish and stupid for feeling the way I do, and I'd feel even more foolish explaining how I feel to him. I'm not going to be mean to him (I'm not going to lash out at him say something cruel, or do something with the intention of hurting him), but I just can't bring myself to be open with him either.

    I'm just really hurt and confused. He seemed like the friend I've always wanted (I do have other friends, but I've always longed for a "best friend", someone you can be closer to than normal friends), we share so much in common, we seemed so open to each other, yet it seems like it was all just a delusion, that he really doesn't care like I thought he did :frowning2:.
     
  4. June Cleaver

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    Forget him! I have one doing the same thing to me except we have had sex 3 times. It was hot than cold than hot again. Same MO, but always johnny on the spot when he needs something, than runs off once he gets it. He even goes as far as saying he loves me. I moved on and Mike (my BF) came into my life. Mine still is playing the game with my head, but no longer has power over me because of Mike. I spent thousands bailing him out. I don't regret anything I did or will do for him, see the good karma came back as Mike. So I keep him as friends these days, but he is fading into the past now. So let him go and find a man who wants you, and respects you as a friend or even a BF. Just my advise. June
     
  5. 4AllEternity

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    Well in my case I do know there's no malicious intent. He doesn't suck up to me when he wants something or anything like that. It's just that he's not consistent in terms of our friendship. He's never done something intentionally cruel, he just doesn't seem to realize that the things he does hurt me.

    This is why I'm on the fence about burning my bridges. Although he's not mean in the sense that he actively tries to be hurtful, he frequently unintentionally makes me feel like crap, unwanted. Yet I've come to realize how futile it is to expect him to change, and although I do care about him and want to keep our friendship (I'm not distancing myself as retaliation), it's just too painful. I get so excited to spend time with him, because I feel like he's such a kindred spirit. We just click, we always have a fun time together. I can be content being only a friend, but I'm not even treated with the respect a friend deserves. As I've said, I often feel as if he only hangs out with me when there's no one else available, it makes me feel really unwanted and lonely :frowning2:.

    So I realize that he's not trying to be hurtful, therefore it makes me hesitate to risk our friendship like this. Aside from his inconsistency, we're great friends. We have so much in common. Yet I find myself hurt and upset often, when he frequently chooses to spend time with other people over me. I don't need to be his #1 friend, but right now I feel like the last friend he wants to hang out with :frowning2:.

    The other thing I worry about is that although I can accept the fact that he may fall in love with someone else, I can't imagine how painful it would actually be. I feel like I should distance myself now, rather than get blindsided in the case that he does find someone.
     
    #5 4AllEternity, Mar 12, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 12, 2013
  6. 4AllEternity

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    Alright, so I've decided to stop the silent treatment. I realized that it took up more energy holding back from him than being friendly. I still feel that I should distance myself from him, since I've just been disappointed too many times. I can't keep going through this.

    I still feel very confused. On one hand, I think it would really help to just get these feelings of my chest, to tell him what upset me so. However, I worry that having a close conversation like that will only complicate things more; that I should avoid being too close to him as any kind of closeness only makes me more attached.

    I want to forgive him so very much, it's just not in my nature to hold a grudge. It tears at me, I feel filled with guilt doing petty things like that. Yet I worry that if I don't pull away from him, I'll only have my heart broken again, and again, and again. And of course, I really don't want to pull away from him. I care about him so much, I value our friendship too greatly too just toss it away without a thought. It's not that I need it, but that it's just one of those rare kinds of friendships where you share a great deal in common with the person. I don't want to waste it. Yet I've tried to move on while remaining friends, and I still keep getting hurt. I still feel upset being left out all of the time.
     
  7. iPhone

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    Your story pretty much sums up alot of my life and what iv been through with my "friend" except my friend was the EXACT same as yours , although I'm pretty certain he is gay and so far in the closet , he's sucking dick in narnia.:grin: . Aside from all the gay porn and searches I found he insisted he was straight and I respected that .. Anyways he would still act the exact same as your friend would by ditching u etc . Mostly over the phone or being extremely cold towards me . I realized I'm not like that at all and he's one of few people I know who act that way . I just can't be friends with someone like that in general . Maybe because I'm the opposite , and none of my other friends really do the same to his extent. Your better off without him ! Or stay friends just not nearly as close . Trust me you'll be happier .....
    My friend ended up outing me to almost everyone I know , some friend eh
     
    #7 iPhone, Mar 21, 2013
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2013
  8. 4AllEternity

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    No, I'm going to remain close to him. I've accepted that for whatever reason he needs to distance himself from me sometimes, so I'm not taking it nearly as personally anymore. I can't stop myself from caring about him, but I can make sure that I have other things to focus on.

    I recently learned he's going through some really confusing and difficult parts of his life right now, which may explain why he's been erratic for the last while. I don't know, I've realized it's futile to constantly try and figure out exactly why he does things, so I've decided to just be there for him when he wants to be close, but to focus on my own life. Yeah, there are times when it's hard being friends with him, times where I feel left out, or like his last choice, but I've realized that that's his choice. There are other people who like me, and enjoy spending time with me, so it's not something I'm doing. A girl at a dance I went to a little while ago came up and told me she thought I was cute, and we danced and talked for a while. Although I really wasn't ready to just jump into dating someone like that (she was friendly and cute, and we talk a lot still, but I haven't gotten over my feelings for my friend, so I didn't want her to start having feelings for me that I couldn't return), it really changed my perspective on my life. Sure, I'm no Brad Pitt, but people really do like me for who I am, so it doesn't bother me as much when my friend seems to avoid me.

    It sucks that your friend turned out to be a douche, but in my case, my friend is a truly kind person, that I respect and trust. I know for a fact that he wouldn't blab anything I told him in confidence, and he's not always cold. In fact, usually when we're together we're very close, we talk about deep things that worry us, we hug (platonically), etc. It's just that he seems to go through times where he doesn't want to spend time with me. It's not that I expect him to want to be with me 24/7, but I'll invite him places, and he seems uninterested, but then goes out with someone else. I've decided to accept that, as our friendship is important to me. I just have to accept that he tends to be very non-commital, and I have.