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Am I asexual or is there something wrong with me?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Dryad, Mar 14, 2019.

  1. Dryad

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    I currently identify as pansexual or bisexual (I think the first fits me more but I use the second more often as it's more widely understandable). I find people of all genders attractive and I've had romantic relationships with several men and a woman. However, I struggle with figuring out what's going on with my sexuality. I will give quite a few details about it, just saying so that you can stop reading if you think it could make you uncomfortable.

    So, I enjoy sex when it's with someone I have feelings of love and affection for, and I experience it as an expression of my intense feelings for them, but I don't necessarily have that primal sexual instinct to have it that everyone seems to be talking about. I think I'd be pretty happy without sex altogether, although I'd still want to make out and cuddle naked. I also find it difficult to have an orgasm during sex. I get turned on, but in order to have an orgasm usually I have to fantasize about something else - usually my own self or some other woman masturbating in some kind of unreal, not romantic or even sexual, scenario - to do it.

    I have a sex drive but I find it hard to associate it with other people, even though my loving feelings for my partners (both their minds and their physical bodies) are pretty strong. Even when I'm watching porn, it's other women masturbating, or lesbian sex where I focus on the satisfaction each woman is getting, rather than the relation between them, if that makes any sense. This whole thing is causing me distress since I first started dating. For example, when partners ask me about my fantasies I just appear to be shy, when really my sexual fantasies ironically are not really "sexual". I feel like something is wrong with me, guilty, kinda sick, broken. Can anyone relate to my story? Thanks :sweat:
     
    #1 Dryad, Mar 14, 2019
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 14, 2019
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  2. StarryEyes

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    I just want to say that I experience the exact same things that you've described and it has me confused, as well. You've worded it all so well, so rather than elaborate on all the ways your post resonates with me, I'll just say a big ditto! It's a little bit of a relief to hear that I'm not alone in experiencing sexuality this way. I don't have any answers but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I am pansexual and I experience basically everything you've described above. In my case it's really difficult because my partner has an extremely high sex drive and derives a ton of validation and rejuvenation from sex, and that creates a lot of conflict with us. It's definitely confusing. Just know you're not the only one! Hopefully someone else can chime in and help is understand what spectrum we may fall on?
     
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  3. Dryad

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    I'm not sure I should be happy that someone else is going through the same thing, because it has caused me some problems too - I also have a partner with an extremely high sex drive, whom I feel I let down sometimes, if it makes sense. But it put a big smile on my face to know I'm not the only one! I hope we get some enlightening response. :blush:
     
  4. Kevin k

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    I can relate so deeply with this. I don't understand why everyone thinks there has to be sex in a relationship. I'd be fine if I never had sex with my boyfriend. I much prefer someone I know cares about my feelings. I have no sexual desire unless he wants to. When I'm not around him, I miss his company, not sex. I don't have the desire to have sex all the time like everyone talks about. Glad to see I'm not the only one.
     
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