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Am I asexual or is "sex" just hard to define?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by musikk021, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. musikk021

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    I've always thought of myself as gay (I prefer the term gay to lesbian) since I've always been attracted to women. But I also never understood the sex-craze that seems so prevalent in society. I always thought that sex just wasn't a big deal to me, that I have an unusually low sex drive, or that I just don't think about it much. After a sort-of relationship with a girl who was extremely sexual and wondering why I don't seem to care about sex when other people do so much, I've been looking up asexuality and thinking I'm part of the spectrum somewhere. I may be asexual or demisexual but I'm mostly having a hard time defining myself because...

    When it comes to "sex" between women, what is even considered to be "sex"? It seems easier to define for hetero couples or between two men, but I've always found it hard to define when it came to lesbians. Does "sex" have to involve penetration or the genitals? What if I have romantic desires/physical desires for intimacy, touch, kissing, cuddling, and all that but (as a bit of a germaphobe) I'm completely repulsed by the idea of oral sex or even touching genital areas with the hands? If you're unclothed and being intimate with someone but not involving the genitals somehow, is that not considered "sex"? How can I know if I'm asexual if I can't quite define what sex actually is?
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    I really would set aside any thoughts of asexuality at this stage and focus on some of the other things you mentioned in your post. To introduce the idea of asexuality when there are so many potential explanations for your feelings would only muddy the waters. It's a sad reality that people do make that leap to label themselves as asexual and then find they are in an emotional struggle as/when new and conflicting thoughts and feelings emerge.

    I wonder, have you actually looked into the fear of germs that you mentioned in this quote? Have you tried to address these fears with a therapist? It sounds like this fear (and possibly others) might be spoiling or suppressing enjoyment of sexual intimacy and it's really not as uncommon as you might think. Many gay men avoid anal penetration for the same sort of reasons, but all of these fears can be overcome. Of course it takes some effort to open up and explore the causative issues, but far better to do that than hide behind the banner of asexuality - which many people do, I'm afraid.

    Ask any two people to define what sex is and you will get different answers. Often the desire to label and pigeonhole these things adds to stress and can further spoil natural enjoyment of sex and intimacy.
     
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  3. Chip

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    I'd be in agreement with Patrick. One thing that caught my eye as well is the germophobia. That usually signals some level of anxiety, and the anxiety, by itself, often suppresses sex drive. And that's one of the major confounds when looking at asexuality: nearly all of the data out there that I've seen shows that a majority of those who self-report being asexual also self-report either anxiety or depression, both of which suppress sex drive.

    So it's pretty likely that, for you, the germophobia and/or anxiety (if, indeed, it is there) may be the underlying issue here rather than any actual hardwired lack of sex drive.

    Also, typically, the way that women tend to experience sex is different than the way that men do; women tend to be wired more for connection, emotion, cuddling, while men are typically more wired for visual stimulus and physical stimulation. (This is part of why so much more porn is consumed by men than by women.)

    So I think all of this can interplay in situations like yours, and I echo Patrick in suggesting you might want to explore this in therapy if you have not already.
     
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  4. Lia444

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    I have been thinking similar too lately that I’m asexual. I like kissing, cuddling and touching my girlfriend and have no problems getting naked and have no problems re germs etc but I don’t find it sexual, I don’t feel aroused or turned on. Nothing seems to really, other than toys and that doesn’t always work. I’ve never really been interested in sex until now but it’s nothing like I imagined, I expected to feel a lot more.
     
  5. Anaduin

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    This is a problem I’ve had since the beginning. I didn’t realize I wasn’t straight until after I had my first boyfriend. When we would kiss I would immediately feel repulsed and like I needed to stop. I went to therapy for OCD tendencies related to saliva. I like the feeling of being sexually aroused but actually sex scares me since I’m afraid I’ll be repulsed by that to.
    I also have no clue how sex between women should be like and just asked a similar question. In society, gay sex is not really talked about and when I is it seems to only involve anal. I know some gay men who are not into anything butt. I believe that just being naked and intimate with another person can constitute as sex. Just cuddling or touching is intimate enough. In my opinion. As long as you get that feeling it can constitute as a sexual act.