I'm sorry, but I'm freaking out. Here's my story: I'm 27 years old. I think I've been battling HOCD for about a year until this morning. I think I lost the battle. Since I was a young boy, all I masturbated about was girls. All the time. I am now in a LTR with the girl I plan to marry when we're ready. Thing is, I have massive questions about my sexuality. I did have extensive experimentation with my younger brother when I was 16. I grew out of that when he got bigger - I didn't like his cock. And other than those experiences, that was the only time I ever masturbated to guys. Ever. Only girls. Occasionally now, I will bump into a feminine gay guy and start "crushing" on him. Last night, I could only dream of guys sexually, and I haven't really been able to conjure up thoughts of women ever since I quit porn. Only guys. And it bugs the shit out of me (no offense). When I physically see a guy, whether a naked one on the computer or in real life, I have slight attraction, I'll admit it. Like it COULD be nice. But when I see a naked woman, it hits me in the perfect place physically, sexually, and in my soul. Nevertheless, it's when I don't have visual stimulation I think of guys. Last night, I saw a feminine gay guy and thought it was alright, like no arousal, I was like "cool", we can get along and I'm not attracted. How nice. Then, I start touching myself to the thought of him. I didn't get off last night, but after not being able to conjure up straight dreams last night, I rubbed one out to him this morning, and it didn't feel bad. Thing is, only when I'm really horny, I'll rub one out to a guy, or I just won't do it. But I feel like I just repress my homosexuality. That I'm not really straight. That I'm lying to my girlfriend. That years from now, when we have children, I'll have to leave her. I've talked to her about this. She doesn't think I'm gay, in spite of everything I've told her. Today was the like the second time I j/o'd to a man in 10 years. My question: Am I being turned on by men more when I'm horny because I'm looking for a kink since quitting porn? I also masturbated to young teens lately (mostly girls 11-13), and other weird shit, but with no porn, so it was all in my head. Does this say something about me? Am I gay? I never was growing up. WTF is going on with me? I don't want any of this! I just want a normal straight relationship. And I'm not religious. I wouldn't mind being gay. I just want my love for women back. Unless I'm gay. Also, is it possible to be gay, but masturbate only to women, because of deep repression? Thoughts, please. Thanks for reading. Sorry for freaking out a little. I am a little scared. Best, Musician
You're likely just bisexual, leaning toward women. If you are honestly attracted to women, that's not really going to disappear. A lot of men who consider themselves straight because they are mostly attracted to women are also slightly attracted to men, and the reverse is true for a lot of gay men. Those "straight" men seem to have the same fear as you, that their gay side is like a cancer and it's going to spread and take over your whole body in time and that you'll be some kind of fantabulous full-blown homosexual in a few years from now. It doesn't work that way. Did you lose your attraction to your girlfriend? If not, it's not going to go away just because you also have some capacity to like men. If you're attracted to other women while liking her, why would also being attracted to men suddenly make your relationship impossible? Same temptation, just different genders.
Thanks for the quick reply, KTWK. Well, I would be comfortable with that assessment, Kinsey 1, maybe Kinsey 2, like the bisexuals the vast majority of us are anyway. Thing is, when I see pictures of men vs. women, the answer for me is pretty clear cut. It's when I'm in my head and men are all I begin to dream about that it worries me. If I won't turn gay like a "cancer" (don't like to use that term due to it being offensive to LGBT community), that's fine, not because I have anything against homosexuality (not at all), but because I just can't believe it's me. I just wish my mind would gravitate much more to what I'm attracted to, rather than something that's more "kinky". Cuz women make my you-know-what go up a lot more IRL.
1. There's no proof most people are bisexual. Bi-curious or trysexual (try anything once) most likely, but bisexually oriented I don't think so. 2. The Kinsey scale is very flawed. 3. You "could" be bisexual. It just hadn't developed fully until you got older. It may take time, but maybe over time you will notice yourself becoming attracted to more men you see in public rather than just in your head. You may actually have a strong pull of attraction towards people with "feminine or androgynous" mannerisms/behavior, which could cross gender boundaries. 4. On the contrary..... This may just be mind games by your HOCD. You may actually be truly straight. If you honestly feel no pull at all towards real life men, then it's safe to say you are straight. 5. I know #3's and 4 sound conflicting, but that's only two ways I can see it going based on your situation. 6. The whole gay spreading like a cancer-thing.... Well it did to me during my teen years.
I feel that sometimes I do have this attraction to people with feminine qualities - men or women. Just the softness of a woman's body is irreplaceable. Still, Idk what's happening. So that could be some combination of HOCD and this weird pull? I always get this when hearing feminine male voices - but not visually at all. Visually (and scent-wise), women are definitely the way to go for me. How come you see no other alternatives in my situation? I've always had this pull toward feminine gays when I was younger, but it creeped me out so I kind of gravitated more towards my straight/masculine acting friends and was more comfortable.
Hi, First, unless you have other symptoms of OCD, let go of the idea you have HOCD, because HOCD doesn't really exist except as a subset of OCD, which, itself, is pretty rare, and people with OCD who only obsess about their sexuality... well, that's pretty much nonexistent. The label is a scourge because people latch onto it and it stands in the way of their really being able to understand what's going on for them. Onto the main issue: From what you're saying, the most likely thing is that you are mostly straight but a little bit bisexual. Nothing in what you've said indicates an overwhelming attraction toward guys and not toward women, and a lot of what you've said indicates a pretty strong attraction toward women. Now... the only thing that complicates matters a bit is the experiences you had with your younger brother. Did you, yourself, have any other sexual experiences or inappropriate touching as a young (5 or before) child? Early sexual experiences, including those you had in your early teen years, can affect our attractions, but not our underlying orientation. In short, I don't think you have much to worry about, but gaining a better understanding of what motivated the behavior when you were a young teen might help you better understand what's going on.
Hi Chip, I totally agree with getting an understanding. I would love to be at peace with where I am. I was never touched in that way. I think what precipitated all this was a certain incident I had when I was about 15 or 16. There was a girl, maybe 12 or 13, sleeping on our couch, and I had an urge to touch her. I had never even had one sexual thought of a guy before. So I did (not entirely successfully, fortunately, and she woke up before I think she noticed anything), and got off to the idea for months. It was like hypersexuality. Afterwards, I needed a stronger kick, so I would do this to my brother for a while (like a dozen or more times). He wasn't fully developed yet, so I imagined the girl. After a while, I realized how disgusting this is (to me), and I stopped. I vowed never again. For 10 years, it was alright, until I met my girlfriend (I had lots of girlfriends before, but not really LTR), and I think somehow the physical activity brought up the pathway in my brain. So, I never really had a sexual attraction to guys (unless I've avoided some anxiety to feminine gay men - which I've never even had a desire to fantasize or masturbate to), and before the incidents with my brother and after, I never even thought of guys. It's only been in the past year that I've been confused. This makes me sad. I remember right before touching the girl thinking that it may not be such a good idea. If this is true, I really can't believe how it has impacted my life. I've also had very strong emotional attachments to my guy friends, but never anything sexual, until these obsessions/worries hit about a year ago (it was just a thought that started last March, at a particular moment, it wasn't like I had some predominant attractions to men).
Sounds like an interesting situation, and I understand that you feel a little scared. It's not my place to tell you this but you definitely need to figure things out before you move forward with your girlfriend; it wouldn't be fair to neither you nor her. Also, at 27, I don't think it's some sort of phase or anything; I think you're at least bi or far in the closet gay. That's just my opinion and you can take it for what it's worth, but, even though I feel that I'm gay, I still used to jack off to girls when I started, as I still have the ability to be attracted to girls, It's just that I prefer guys heavily. It'll all work out, anyways. Good luck!
The reason I think it might be a phase is until last year, all my fantasies were strictly about girls. In all sorts of sexual manner. Wouldn't I know this sometime in my teen years, whether my fantasies are about men or women? Even when I did the things with my brother, when I wasn't doing it with him, my fantasies were always about girls. Even when I was doing it with him, not about guys, always about girls. Is it possible to be that far in the closet to finally come out now?
Just the fact that you did sexual things with your brother speaks a lot to me. I don't think any of my siblings have done that, because they just know they're straight. They are some of the only people who know I like guys, so they can talk about anything with me. I just don't think most straight guys do that. I think you should experiment. Obviously, though, everyone's situation is different and not one person on this website can decide except you.
I think many straight guys have had childhood play sessions with same sex partners. That is a part of growing up for many. But I do suggest you meet up with a nice good looking feminine type of guys, and play around a bit, and see how you feel about it.
I think you're straight. I don't believe in this little tiny bit bisexual nonsense. You either have full blown attraction to both or not. This whole I'm slightly turned on makes no sense at all. This one guy I knew would make this excuse just to justify he's not fully gay at all.
It's obviously bothering you so why not make an appointment with a therapist? Seriously it can't hurt talking to someone thats actually qualified to help you sort trough all this.
What genre of music do you play. Do you think about this in its relation to your art form. I certainly do, and that is my major problem. I'm married with a child. I like both sexes sexually but am much more capable of physical arousal with men. The sadness is huge the my constant desire to be with a women In a relationship is compromised by knowing I probably can't get the final Amount of sexual union with them. That said, my greatest experiences in life have been in bed with a women. Or somewhere other than in bed. I'm really curious about the art/ sex issue since at least for me sex (both ways It seems) Is one arts most potent, indispensable and magical inspirations. ---------- Post added 9th Feb 2013 at 03:02 PM ---------- This is very very difficult for me. If I wasn't an artist I might more easily do without the gay part.
Do you have other OCD issues? I do. I seems that any stresses on has below the Platform that OCD creates can feel scary and out off control. It's not easy to separate the irrational fears (which are exaggerated) From the real disturbing issue (which may feel more scary than they really are). You might (and I might) be gay underneath the Patina of worry or in my case possibly excessive Calm or detachment, but I think with a mental issue (which OCD is) You need self acceptance and time. Also I think in my Case having more homosexual experience if some type has been a helpful thing. ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2013 at 11:45 AM ---------- I'm not sure as someone above said is hocd always occurs concurrently with other OCD Symptoms ---------- Post added 10th Feb 2013 at 11:48 AM ---------- I am 55 and you are 27. You really have space and time to figure this out. I think that's very very fortunate. Sadly because I suppose of my horrible long OCD history(now controlled) I am dealing with these things very late in the game.
Hey guys, thanks for the responses. I am in therapy now, so I'm dealing with a whole host of issues now. Omla, I play classical music. I understand that for many gay people (think Sir Ian McKellen), that arts can be a release for them - he admitted that himself. I don't know if I personally see art in that way. I just like making music.
