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Am I a lesbian or just an unlucky tomboy...?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Islanzadi, May 29, 2017.

  1. Islanzadi

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    Hi y'all! I am seeking support from this wonderful community because despite many many years of questioning, I still can't figure out my true sexual orientation... :bang:

    So here's my situation. I'm 23 years old, and since my very early childhood, I've never quite fit in with the other girls. Since the very beginning, I would throw a massive fit every time my mom wanted to make me wear a dress or a skirt (I just feel very uncomfortable in those clothes), I despised Barbies and dolls and preferred to pile them up under my hotwheel carpet to make a hotwheels jump and I would go play football and hockey outside, climb trees, catch bugs and get dirty, most of the time shirtless, trying to fit in with the boys. My parents thought it was a phase, but it wasn't. I'm still the same today (except I can't go shirtless in the streets...:lol:slight_smile:, I love sports, I don't wear dresses or heels, nor do I put any make-up on. My morning routine basically consist of tying my messy hair in a ponytail, and I dress pretty much everyday with a pair of jeans, a tanktop or t-shirt often picturing a rock/metal band logo and my lovely pair of converse. I alternate my hair between very long and very short every couple of years, when I get bored of my hairstyle. So I'm basically very "tomboyish".

    Now about sexual orientation. Since my early teenage years, I've questioned my sexual orientation, but so far, I've only dated men. And let's say it, I'm very very bad at dating, so I've only had 3 dates in my life, but the first one was my boyfriend for 2.5 years. Even thought this is not a very big "sample" to draw conclusions, every relationship was kinda awkward and I never felt like I was really sexually attracted to them. I've never had this feeling to "want him" that all the other girls speak about. The sexual intercourse in itself was all but the "best thing ever" that everyone says it's supposed to be. In fact, I felt more like it was a task every night and didn't really want to do it, but still wanted to please my partner... Since I never really enjoyed sex with a partner, after I split up with my boyfriend I spent 3 years without any sexual or romantic relationships (why would I want to do something I don't like?). I ended up giving it another chance, and dated 2 guys during the past year, with the same disappointing results.

    Despite the fact that I never really was sexually attracted to these men, I've been sexually attracted to some men, but those I had the courage to ask out all looked at me with a sorry look on their face and told me they were gay. So, it turns out that the only men I've ever really felt attracted to are the only men that will never be attracted to me :confused: Also, not a lot of men ever flirted with me, in fact, many told me that they thought I was a lesbian, and more women than men actually did flirt me...

    I have the chance to have a very comprehensive and open minded family, and I think my parents were actually expecting me to come out during my teenage years, especially that my mom suggested me many times (after my relationships failures) that boys might not just not be for me and that I might be attracted to women.

    I know that many things I've said suggest that I might be a lesbian, but since I've never had a relationship with a women, how can I tell if I really am a lesbian, or if I'm just one very unlucky straight tomboy that never met the right man? :bang: I've been questionning this for so many years now... How did you guys knew or realized your true call? :help:
     
  2. Rana

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    Hi Islanzadi,

    I went through exactly what you're going through at that age and for quite some time later. I never considered that I was a lesbian because although I had the same problems with men that you describe, I still had not experienced any sexual desire toward women....until one day out of the blue, I did! You'll know it when you know it...you will feel sexually attracted...if it's to a man that you happen to click with, then great...if it's with a woman, that's good too.
    Unfortunately for me, I never felt attracted to women until much later in life and there are many reasons for that (repression of sexual orientation is a thing).
    Anyway, don't fret about it. Date people (men or women) you feel attracted to, and if you don't, then certainly don't force yourself. Give yourself time to figure it out. Sometimes the answers come gradually and sometimes instantly at some point.
    Give yourself time, that's all I can say. When you feel that attraction, you'll know it, believe me. Best of luck! ♥
     
  3. Lexa

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    You could be bi too. You write you've been sexually attracted to some men. Perhaps they were all gay because you are attracted to feminine men?
     
  4. silverhalo

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    Hey, do you ever notice women, have you ever imagined being with one? What happens if you do?
     
  5. LonerGirl

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    Based on what you've said there you only mentioned that you have been attracted to men. In that way it sounds like you're straight, but only you know what you feel. If you think you could be or have been attracted to women also you can try to explore those feelings further. Your orientation should be based on how you feel, not what others perceive you to be. Questioning is confusing & very personal. Best of luck :slight_smile:
     
    #5 LonerGirl, May 30, 2017
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  6. Islanzadi

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    Thank you very much y'all! To answer some of your questions, the reason I am attracted to gay men is most likely that I am, indeed, attracted to feminine men. In fact, the 3 men I dated were quite feminine. Also, I do tend to notice some women. Some are just gorgeous and I have to remind myself not to stare too much so I don't look impolite... :lol: The thing is I don't know if this is something that happens to everybody or if it means that I'm attracted to women. I always had a hard time identifying my feelings, and so I don't know if what I feel is attraction or something else (like envy, or admiration??? I really have no idea...). I have never imagined myself with a woman, it's kinda hard to imagine when you never tried it... but when I imagine myself with a man, I just feel awkward, probably because that's how I felt every time I've been with a man... :rolle:
     
  7. silverhalo

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    It can be difficult to imagine and some people's minds don't really work that way. Even though I am gay I don't ever look at women that I think are pretty and imagine taking them to bed. For me I need to get to know their personality and stuff as well.
    Have you ever seen any tv programs or films with lesbian characters?
     
  8. Islanzadi

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    I definitely need to know their personality as well to get a better idea about people, maybe that's why I have a hard time to imagine being with one in bed...

    And yes, I've seen a couple of movies and tv shows with lesbian characters, why? I also had a lesbian roomate as well for a couple of months last year! :slight_smile:
     
  9. silverhalo

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    Well a big part of me actually properly questioning my sexiality was from watching shows with lesbian characters like sugar rush or the L word. I suddenly had this revelation like hmmm I think I enjoy this more than the average straight girl I wasn't sure if it would help.

    Once I was questioning another thing that helped me a bit was to allow my brain to be gay or have gay thoughts. It sounds stupid I know but society leads you down the straight and narrow so to speak naturally and I think sometimes if the first couple of times you have a fleeting thought about a girl it doesn't set you on fire it's easy to dismiss it. I know when I first questioned by sexuality in my mid 20's my first thought was but you can't be, surely gay people just know they are gay. Turns out not so much. I'm not saying you have to think about sleeping with a girl but if you see one that's pretty let yourself admire her, you don't have to stare for ages but let yourself look. Think about what it would be like to go on a date or be in a relationship with a girl it doesn't have to be sexual and see how you feel.
     
  10. Islanzadi

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    Thank you this comment really made me feel better! :slight_smile:

    I have been questionning for many years now, but like you I thought gay people just knew early on and that what took time was to accept it. What made me question more seriously lately is when I stumbled on an interview of a girl about coming out on Ellen Degeneres. They were both telling their stories and everything they said about how they felt before they knew they were lesbians just really made me think: "this is exactly how I feel too". I had already heard lesbians tell their story but none quite hit me like that one did.

    And like you say, there's a possibility I subconciously dismiss my feelings. It's really hard to figure everything out!
     
  11. Lexa

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    I think there are two things that are important in your text.
    1) You weren't sexually attracted to the men you dated but you are attracted to some men. So it's possible that you just didn't find the right man to have a relationship with.
    2) But having to remind yourself not to stare too much is an indicator you could be into girls. Silverhalo is right. Sometimes it takes opening up your mind to discover your sexual orientation.

    I definitely didn't just know that I was bi. My first crushes were on (more feminine) men/boys so I thought I was straight at first. I also spent a lot of time in doubt before I knew that I was bi.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Anytime. When I first joined EC. I felt like I was the only person in the world who had no idea they might be gay until they were in their 20's. I felt so alone and I felt stupid. EC taught me many things but first and foremost it taught me that you are never really alone there are lots of other people all over the world who have been or are going through what you are whether in the end you decide you are bi, straight or gay. sometimes the less pressure you put on yourself to figure it out the easier it becomes although I know that is easier said than done.