I was lying on the bathroom floor not an hour ago. Just, immobilized. The pain builds up that it comes to a point where it all crashes down and leaves me a wreck. I don't usually tell people when this happens. And I'm thinking out loud here, but I felt like I needed to share this. All I could think when I was laying there, barely breathing between the choked sobs, was why. Why am I going through this? Why should I go on? Why not just kill myself and have it over with? I'm not sure who I am, or what I believe. I don't understand why I am trans or why I have lost so many people that I care about. Why I am so alone. But at some point tonight, and tomorrow I am sure, I will have to pick myself up again. Off the floor, rub the sting from my eyes, take a deep breath, and go again. I should be down, hell, maybe I should be dead. But I have to keep fighting. Even when I'm forced into silence, and every day feels like a second or an eternity. I am so scared. So tired. So weak. But I have to keep fighting. It doesn't matter why. It only matters what is and what can be. If you are still pre-transition, or going through transition, and feel alone or like you cannot go on. Listen. You're here right now reading this and this is your sign. Your sign to keep going. You matter. You deserve a beautiful, full life with a family and friends. You will get that. But you must keep fighting. I know that it hurts, believe me I know. It doesn't make sense and maybe you feel like there's no hope for the future. That's okay, let yourself feel those feelings. But remember that this is your life, and it is your choice alone how to live it and who to become. If today is hell, then live for tomorrow. To myself, and to you, always keep fighting.
This is what I really needed to hear right now, thank you. I'm sorry you were feeling the way, I know how it feels and it is just so hard. The future will be better.
I know the being on the floor, suicidal feeling. Kodo you are so brave to face your demons and march on day by day. And an inspiration to us all. Keep the fight going, brother.
Thank you so much for this post. It makes me feel less alone. I admire that you wrote it and talked about your vulnerability, as opening up about my feelings is something I struggle with a lot. I hope you feel better now. Remember that you are an amazing and strong person and that you will soon be able to transition and be yourself. And you will find people who like you and support you because of what makes you you.
I got on EC just now just because the dysphoria is overwhelming and I think your post is what I needed, Kodo. I'm pre-transition but I realized, as I look around the women in line with me to the restroom, something is clearly different between me and them. They're all long-haired, wearing feminine clothing. I'm dressed in clothing that, oddly, may be seen as comfortable as some people (sweats and tshirt), but as uncoordinated, slobby to others. And that's how I feel sometimes. This is who I am. I am a man-not-yet-not-a-woman who may sometimes appear comfortable in his broken skin but sometimes just seems like an amalgam of uncoordinated parts. I don't want to have to resort to testosterone shots to be accepted for who I am and to feel safe enough to use the men's restroom. But this is what it comes down to. This perpetual feeling of not belonging. All over something as totally stupid as going to the restroom or being told to be a woman. I don't know what I need to do to prove that I am trans because it's difficult for me to even prove that I am a man. Somehow, I always have ot be the TRANS man, not a man. I'm sad and within a week or two I'll get another, shorter haircut and change my clothes to reflect my maleness. I am gawked everywhere I go because, to be a trans man that doesn't pass and feels small is to be a trans man who doesn't wear his masculinity with confidence. My wish is to be gawked even further, to be a trans man that doesn't pass and feels as large as his dreams are, and who is stared at because he wears his masculinity with genuine confidence and happiness. Being trans has made me sadder than anything else in my life ever has because it's a continuous stigma I face in and out in public and especially among unknowing friends and family members. But I know that no matter how sad I get, I'll still be here tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. Men don't need to come out to their family and friends as men. From now on, I will no longer apologize for who I am. I just will be who I am. I will cut my hair as I wish, dress myself as I wish, walk how I wish, love who I wish. No regrets, so slouching, so self-consciousness. If I ever meet any one of you on the street, I'm doing this for YOU. I want to be gawked, to be visible, to help give YOU the courage to do the same.
Thanks for the post, Kodo, just what I needed to hear today. And thank you Foxfeather, too, because you said exactly how I feel sometimes. Not fitting anywhere. Girls sense I don´t belong (a workplace restroom is hell) and boys just think there is something odd with me but they can´t point at it. So they give me blank stare, both boys and girls. All I want is just to be friends with people but they treat me like an enemy, or weirdo or a threat. I feel so f..... lonely I can´t even tell how much. So I keep myself busy with work (and more work and more work) so I can´t see how lonely I am but sometimes the cover up just does not work.
