Hi I'm always ANGRY and MAD! Always. I'm going to get a heart attack one of these days. I'm not talking about minor anger. I'm talking about getting into a car and running some people over. I have NEVER been this angry ever until a few years ago. It was only a few years ago I realised what happened. 1. My family hates me except parents. My eldest sibling used to swear at me EVERYDAY for the past 20 YEARS, gay related insults. 2. I will NEVER be accepted because I'm sooo different. 3. I have ruined my body (i.e scars) and mind due to various illnesses and medications (not advised appropriately how to take such medication). 4. Being bullied throughout school and college by teachers and peers with no PROVOCATION ON MY PART. 5. Being bullied at work constantly by bosses and co-workers despite working VERY HARD for a very lousy wage with NO job security. My first job in accounting was completely ruined permanently due to being bullied and now I'm always questioned by every prospective employer about what happened. My first ex-boss still talks crap about me to future employers when they request references. First job back in 2011, fast forward, 2019, HE STILL DOES IT. OOOh I want to smash his little office up. 6. Complete outcast in all way (gay, Muslim, dyslexic, dyspraxic, aspergers, OH MY GAWWWD). 7. i'M ALWAYS suffering from SOME illness. Allergies, breathing problems, skin disorders, rashes, eye strain, hearing issues, aches and pains. Breathing is the major problems. Nope, doctors don't help me or even TRY to help. I'm always drained now and angry. I just want to smash everyone with a frickin hammer that I hate. I don't want to see a counsellor and be like OOOH LETS TALK IT OUT. I'm tired of being reasonable. The only good thing my parents care about me and I have a cute pet cat. ^_^;; So how do I calm down?
I would like to expand on the job part. Ever since my first job, I have been doing cleaning/kitchen work for a very long time. Cleaning very dirty toilets (43 toilets at one place, morning and afternoon ugh), dealing with screaming dangerous hostel people, tons of arguments and fights in kitchens over pettiness (they started it, I finished it) and tons of injuries from back problems to cuts, bruises and being burnt badly. I feel like I'm a dog.
None of those sound pleasant, and I'm not surprised that some (or all of that) is affecting you emotionally! Have you tried therapy/counselling before? Or is the "OOOH LETS TALK IT OUT" a preconceived idea of what therapy is? You're right, there IS a lot of talking and lots of talking about feelings. But a lot of it is getting recommendations about changes you can make help you feel better! Even if you HAVE been to therapy/counselling before, I'd recommend it again, perhaps you could find a therapist that is better suited to you and your specific situations. You could even try googling therapists in your area to see patient reviews (?) and what areas they are most knowledgeable in. Besides therapy, all I can recommend is eating healthy, getting exercise and either venting to your parents/friends or some other outlet for your feelings. Also very briefly touching upon some of your other points: #2. The future is very hard to predict, and very hard to guarantee an absolute (always, never etc) outcome. We don't know what the future holds. #3. Not explaining a medication properly looks poorly on both the doctor and pharmacist/"drugist", and if that is the case, I bet the could get in a lot of shit for that. It's also important to remember that medications and affect different people in different ways, and also interact with other drugs to have different outcomes, although your doctor/drugist should have probably done a check-up to see how the [mental health] drugs were working after several weeks! #5. DO NOT GIVE HIM AS A REFERENCE. And don't give potential employers permission to call him! Google "how to explain why you quit a toxic job" and come up with ideas of what to tell potential employers! I don't think lying is good, but if you have to, lie and say you quit that job to focus on your health or other excuse. Also that first job was almost a decade ago, meaning that it may be appropriate to leave it off the resume/CV entirely, especially depending on what type you are looking for Have you just had the two other jobs? How do you and your current boss/coworkers get along? Perhaps one or several of them would be willing to be a reference for future jobs? After all the years you have worked there, most *decent people* would be understanding about you wanting to move on!
I agree wholeheartedly with therapy. You are already changing your physical self because of your mental self. In order for your body to heal—you have to heal your mind. My son is on the spectrum so I can talk about this with some knowledge simply from that viewpoint. You need medication of some sort. Not all, but many on spectrum, need meds. If for no other reason than putting your mind back into a calmer place. You need to share with someone qualified how you see yourself and your world view. Again, many on spectrum, need help determining what is real and what is perceived. You have a huge advantage in loving parents. I know it can be tough, but as a parent myself—getting a hug is amazing. No one here can calm you down; only you can. That said, here you are welcomed, safe and free to be your authentic self. My heart hurts for you. I am so sorry your world is not supporting you like you need. But, it is what it is. Please at least think about help for both physical and mental trauma. ((momhugs))
I have a few suggestions if you are willing to consider them. First I want to tell you a bit about myself and how my life compares to yours. I am not trying to play "oppression olympics" I just want you to see that I can empathize. From your list. 1 all of my family hates me, even my parents; 2 I have felt that also, it is an internal lie, there are people here who accept you and it is possible to find them IRL also; 3-7 been there done that - bullied at home, school, work and by law enforcement, I am also ASD, dyspraxic etc with food intolerances and more. You are not alone. An approach of at least three prongs. One, get into therapy. I have friends from the UK. I know that they system can be difficult to navigate but at least it is available. When you do get into it work with it. Share what is going on with you and listen to the therapist. Follow the suggestions and do the work. Two, concentrate on the positives that you do have. You have already said that your parents care and you have a pet. Work with that and spend time with them. I am sure that there are other things, they may be small a tiny thing that you enjoy or something. Work at seeing the good however small it may be and avoiding the toxic things however prevalent they may be (I know from personal experience that this is very difficult especially at the beginning) Three, working through the anger through growth. This needs to be personal, it is expressed by many as a spiritual thing. For some turning to a religion that they connect to works, others find a hobby that they can get into, helping others through volunteer work, etc. What they all have in common is getting outside yourself. For me mindfulness training, meditation and spiritual growth (not religion) are what helped. You have to find your own best thing. With these things you can grow and as you are able to not express the anger as much you will be able to find friends. Even in the most toxic surroundings that I have lived in I have been able to find people. They are out there even in places where they are rare (I have lived far out in the country and I have lived in extremely conservative areas and yet still found a few supportive people). It takes work but if you are willing to do the work, I have found from personal experience, that you can make things better. I still get angry but it eats me up less and less as I work things through.
