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Almost a year of self discovery and still confused.

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Chris2018, Oct 7, 2018.

  1. Chris2018

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    Hey. So I'm afab, and questioning. I thought for a good while I was definitely FTM. Then after a few months of accepting and coming out to my husband, I went back to feeling just female. Then for a few months, I went back to feeling like a guy. When I'm in guy mode I have these intense needs to flatten my chest, pack, cut off my long hair, and have facial and body hair, and be this big burly guy.

    Since early September I havent felt any dysphoria, or need or desire to be/present male.....and I want to?

    I've tried to present male and it doesnt feel right. I actually miss.being in guy mode. I miss packing and putting facial hair on. But I have done it a few times recently and I get no amount of euphoria like I do.when I'm really in guy mode.


    I'm sad that now that I've accepted being Male (at least sometimes) and that has gone away.

    Also, in girl mode I seem to be asexual. However when I'm in guy mode, I tend to be a more sexual person. Is this normal? I mean...I'm only attracted to men (both cis and trans), no matter how I'm feeling. And even when I'm I'm female mode, I feel more comfortable calling myself a gay man.


    Is all of this normal?

    Thanks in advance for the kind comments.
     
  2. Chris2018

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    Also, I have gone by terms such as genderfluid and bigender. These terms i believe more closely fit me?? Maybe?
     
  3. Hats

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    Hey, Chris2018. That rings a lot of bells with my own experience as an amab genderfluid person. I’ve had times where I’ve felt comfortable enough in my agab for long enough that I start to question whether I’m even trans at all, and then I start to miss my non-cis days.

    For me my orientation doesn’t change a lot. I’m pansexual regardless of my internal sense of gender, but when I’m more female I’m much more comfortable with being a sexual person, if that makes sense. I don’t have any, or as many, of the blocks that I do when I’m a man, which I think is due to a lot of baggage I have around male violence.
     
  4. Chris2018

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    Can I ask you how you cope when your feeling female? What do you do? I' e been wearing boxers and mens clothes for awhile just because I always have. But it's mostly just been tshirts hoodies and basketball ball shorts.

    I recently bought a flannel shirt and mens Jean's and am so excited and nervous to wear them!!! Its crazy.

    Also, my hair goes to my mid back. In guy mode it makes.me super dysphoric, in female mode I'm just oddly attached to it. I want to cut it, and have found many shaved pixie cuts I want to make it more femme or masculine as I need to. But I just camt seem to actually cut my hair. And I know men can rock the man bun but I dont want a man bun. I see myself as more of a metrosexual lumberjack type dude.
     
  5. Hats

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    For me, it’s a case of “prevention is better than cure” given that I’m rarely in a position where I can change things on the spot.

    I’ve tweaked my masculine gender expression with feminine highlights. I have a bunch of feminine t-shirts and hoodies I wear fairly regularly, I’ve grown out my hair past my shoulders, and I’m starting to go by my family nickname, technically male but these days used more as a female name. My ballet kit is in both men’s and women’s colours. One of the choirs I’m in has had a couple of concerts where I’ve presented in a much more feminine way.

    I really, really wish I could present androgynously enough that I only had to tweak one or two things to look feminine or masculine. How much of my inability to do so is an illusion I don’t know. In any event, I present as masculine almost exclusively, even though on my dysphoric days the fact that my body or expression prevents other people seeing the girl I am inside really hurts.
     
  6. Hats

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    Do you mind if I ask how you managed to stop fighting your fluidity? It’s been two years for me but I still find myself locking down. Also, how do you deal with your dysphoria?

    That’s great news about your new clothes, by the way! It's a great feeling when you finally get something which affirms who you are inside :slight_smile:
     
  7. Chris2018

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    I dont know that I've stopped fighting it. I've just accepted it. If I wake up feeling particularly masculine I wait until I'm home alone and dress head to toe as the guy I am. My husband calls me his man when I'm in guy mode.

    As far as my dysphoria I dont think I deal with it too well. Like I said I'll wear a packer, flatten my chest. My husband know my chest is off limits. Girl or guy mode, I hate my chest. I get no satisfaction from it at all. That's the biggest issue I have. As far as bottom dysphoria, it's rare it gets bad, but my husband helps me with that as well. The majority of my dysphoria though stems from my lack of and inability to grow a beard. I hate that i cant grow one. Even in girl mode i want a beard badly. That's the one thing i havent figured out how to deal with.
     
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