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Almost 40 and never dated

Discussion in 'Chit Chat' started by Mark28277, Aug 25, 2018.

  1. Mark28277

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    I am a gay male and almost 40 years old. I never dated anyone before and in fact I never experienced my first kiss yet. My question is, if someone is almost 40 years old and inexperienced is that a huge turn off? I don't now how I could explain to someone that I am still a virgin and have never experienced my first kiss yet. What would you do if you were me?
     
  2. Devil Dave

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    Most people assume that we've all been in relationships and had lots of sex, no matter what we look like or how nice we are. So when you admit to having little or no experience, it takes people by surprise, and you may find that a lot of people react negatively. Sometimes it even feels like people are telling you off for having a lack of experience, like you're committing some unspeakable crime for staying single so long.

    If I were you, I would be honest any way. You've not done anything wrong, and if people have a problem with your lack of experience, it's their problem not yours.

    Just some questions to help you with your thoughts:

    What is it that has prevented you from dating and being kissed?

    What has caused you to come forward about it now?

    How do you intend to find dates in the future?

    What sort of partner would you like to be with?
     
    #2 Devil Dave, Aug 26, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 26, 2018
  3. OGS

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    You say you're not sure how to explain it to someone. I would explain it to anyone else the way you explain it to yourself. Surely there is some chain of events/reason that led to where you are. I would spend some time thinking about that chain of events and, specifically, what has changed (because I think when people react negatively it really isn't so much about who you were, but rather who it might indicate you are) and go with the truth.
     
  4. Mark28277

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    Thank You for the reply Dave. Just a few answers to to questions. #1. The thing that has prevented me from dating and being kissed is that I never really had any interest in it. I have tried watching porn before but for me it was very difficult to watch especially the intercourse aspect of it but now its much easier for me to watch. Also the thought of getting my feelings hurt or hurting someone else's feelings is what prevented me from dating but now I realize that you have to take the good with the bad.

    #2. The thing that has caused me to come forward now is my age. I just lived the first 40 years of my life and the thoughts of possibly being in the grave 40 years from now is waking me up. I haven't really experienced life yet and haven't done anything exciting. These past 20 years have been nothing but working lots of overtime at work and spending time on the computer and I don't think life was intended for that, especially for watching things on the computer. I think we need to go out and actually have a real experience.

    #3. As far as finding dates in the future I have actually tried an online app and posted a profile on there but took it down after 10 minutes because I felt that although I am almost ready I was quite there yet. I wasn't prepared to get bombarded with the many PM's I got. Would you recommend these types of apps?

    #4. The type of partner I would like to be with would be a younger guy say in his 20's but definitely 18+. The Daddy/Son thing is kind of a turn on. I am the type of guy that if we are dating I pay for everything but at the same time I don't want to be someones sugar Dad. I would be more of the Dom type I suppose and if I would ever try sex I would only be a Top.
     
  5. trojan

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    There are just as many people that would find your inexperience really nice. I would definatley let tham know before you kiss, but I wouldnt let it bother you. You could even wait till you are just about to kiss. I cant think that too many people would find it too odd. I dont think its too odd. I didnt have sex until 23. 40 is OK...but if I were you I would get with the program and go find someone to have sex with you have some catching up to do.
     
  6. starfish

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    I don’t have a lot of advise, but you are not alone. I’m nearly 40 also and I don’t have a lot of experence either. I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve had sex.

    From my experience this is not uncommon in gay guys, especially ones out age. Most people get their awkward dating phase out of the way when they are teenagers. Well when when we were teenagages, being gay wasn’t as accepted as it is now. So we lived in our closets and got the experience that our peers did.

    A nickels worth of free advice for what its worth. Don’t worry about it. Everybody has different levels of experience an if the relationship is worth it, he’ll be willing to figure it out with you.
     
  7. Devil Dave

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    Personally I don't find apps all that useful. You can meet nice guys on them, but apps are not the be all and end all of finding sex and dates. I probably meet up with about 2 or 3 guys a year on an app. A lot of guys that have chatted to me on apps just wanted to get straight into sex, they would invite me to their houses before even knowing anything about me. I'm not comfortable with going to a stranger's house for sex. Also, I don't do anal, and that is a turn off for a lot of guys on apps. They ask if I'm top or bottom and I say neither and they quickly lose interest. And if I have been on a date with a guy and tell him during the date that I don't do anal, then they usually get disappointed. And having a lot of my interaction with other gay men playing out like this has killed my confidence at times.

    You say you got bombarded with private messages, that's actually not a bad thing. You have a lot of options (hopefully they are all messages from different guys and not all from one person!) And apps do give you the option to block users that you're not interested in. Just respond to the ones you do like.

    One thing that has helped me is going to gay public bathhouses. This is not for everyone, but it works for me. They provide a mutual location to have hookups with guys. I'm not able to accommodate dates, and some men can't or don't want to take men to their houses for sex, so a sauna is a safe and convenient place to have sex with a stranger. And a lot of men I meet there are not worried about anal because they prefer to keep the sex low risk.
     
  8. BobObob

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    I agree. While most people start dating in high school, or even in middle school in a certain form, It's very common for gay people to not date until adulthood, sometimes even late into adulthood. I'm almost 30, and I've barely done anything with other guys thanks in large part due to my religious/conservative upbringing, and also body image issues after not taking care of my body until recently (indirectly caused by my upbringing).

    OP, I don't have a whole lot of advice, other than be honest with people when it becomes relevant (does not necessarily need to be on the first date, but I would do it before doing anything intimate). I think OGS's and Nice Dave's advice is good: Be honest, and explain it how you explain it to yourself. It sounds like you have that answer in post #4.
     
  9. Loves books

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    I'm 26 and never dated or even kissed someone. I'm hoping I get my first kiss before 30 but things aren't looking good. I was always disgusted by the idea of kissing guys and French kissing, to me, sounds disgusting. I have never met another Lesbian or if I have I didn't know it. I live 5 miles away from a town up a mountain The all girls school I went to in that town had 200 students total. Lesbian was the worst insult you could give someone. Not a lot of opportunity. I'm hoping for the future that honesty is the best policy.