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Almost 35/coming to terms with own sexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by 35stillstrgln, Nov 22, 2009.

  1. 35stillstrgln

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    Alright, just looking for some advice, direction, etc. I'm almost 35 and my closet has been a revolving door. I'm still not sure what I want. Men? Women? A little background...had a best friend when I was a kid, boy, curiosity, exploring, etc. First crushes, all guys, 5th, 6th, plus grades. Friend in high school that was kind of a boyfriend, or at least I wanted the relationship to that, but he didn't. But that was my first sexual experience(s), which went on for a year or so. Until, my parents somehow found out that this friend and I were having sex. I got confronted by my dad and mom. This was the most shameful experience of my life. Very traumatized. Rest of high school, no dating at all, but took girl friends to prom and other events. College, called myself bisexual. Dated both guys and girls, but more girls than guys. Most people knew that I would date either though. Leaving college, I thought I'll just choose the straight path. It'll be easier. Then I went out into the world of work. Nobody at work knew anything, for years. I dated a girl or two. At this point, and for the next 10 years or so, I would tell some friends I was bi, date a girl, think that I'll just choose the straight path, over and over and over and over.

    So, that brings you up to now. I had in my mind for years that I want a wife and kids. But, it just isn't happening. I'm wondering, have I been trying to force myself on the straight path? Do I prefer men? My recent big crush is guy. Ok, I know I'm not straight. But I'd really prefer if things would appear to be more clear than they are. I know they probably won't be, but it would be easier. I feel like I'd really prefer to be either gay or straight, bi feels to confusing.

    I've got more to say and more that's on my mind, but that should get things started. Please give me advice or direction. I'm hoping to hear from some folks that had difficulty coming to terms with their sexuality in their 30's or later in life.

    -B

    ps, sorry if this is too much or a little scatterbrained, I've just recently resolved to talk more about all of this through this and with some friends.
     
  2. zzzero

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    Hi, I may only be 20 but i just have some questions to ask you. When you see men that are attractive, do you have the same feelings for them as you do with women? When you've been with women have you longed for men? If you feel unhappy with women or if you feel that you're missing something with women, why not try actually dating a man and seeing if that feeling changes. I have a friend who had a similar situation, he's only 22 but he had been going back and fourth for a while, mainly acting as a straight male. He found a man he really loved and now sees what he was always missing with women. So no one can tell you wether or not you're straight or gay or bi, but what I can tell you is that this is something you cant just make a decision on. You really should try to step back from whatever expectations you or society has for you and look at what you truely enjoy. You may find that you have tricked yourself into liking women all these years because that's what society told you to like. or you may find that though you find men attractive sometimes, it's not something you want to act on. Whatever the case, I know you can't just start assuming that you're gay or something because you cant find a wife...

    good luck on you're soul searching man!
     
  3. Beachboi92

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    Well obviously you are Bi but i think there is a little something bothering you that bothers a lot of people when they are first coming to terms with their sexuality. That is the whole kids and family thing. And you need to realize you can't deny who you are just because it might be easier. Even if you date or fall in love with a man you can still have a family through adoption or artificial insemination with a serogate mother. Just go with the flow if you like a guy pursue them if you find you are attracted and like a girl pursue them, as if they have no gender :slight_smile: Love is Love and no matter who you decide to be with it has to be you that decides. Like Tswyter said i would try a relationship with a guy. There is no need to lock yourself down into a category sexuality is fluid. I call myself queer because i don't fit into categories and am sometimes attracted to women but at the same tim i tell others i am gay cause explaining it is annoying xD In the end just remember it only matters how you see yourself and what you are comfortable with. PM me anytime if you want to talk or message me on my wall :slight_smile:
     
  4. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    It's very tempting to want to "figure out what team you're on". There's a belief that once you've managed that, that everything is sunshine lollipops and rainbows after that. Nope. You just swap "now I'm gay/bi/straight/whatever and I have to deal with potential partners" problems for your prior "what orientation am I" problems. :slight_smile:

    So what ARE you? Offhand, bisexual seems to fit. That said, a couple things stick out in your post. You mention crushing on a couple guys, but only "dating" a couple girls. I don't get any sense of sexual attraction from them. I don't question that you liked them, but hey - I like plenty of women, too. I just don't want to get into their pants. :slight_smile:

    So think about it. WAS there sexual attraction there? Or where they more like platonic friends?

    Lex
     
  5. Halo

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    I can see the frustration, I came out as a bi last year (30). It wasn't easy since I've always dated men and fell in love and wanted to get married. But then things changed in my life and came in terms with who I am, the question of "what is my sexuality?". I get attracted to people regardless of their gender, and I would like to have relationships with the one that I am attacted to.

    Being closeted bi makes it easy to go the heterosexual way and get away with desires towards the same sex. I think categories tend to confuse some of us more then it helps us...I find myself to be invisible in LGBT communities sometimes since some think bisexuality is a phase to homosexuality (to some it may be)...especially now that I am dating a woman it makes it even harder since most assume I am a lesbian.

    I think it's really up to you on how to categorize yourself (or not to).

    I can understand in terms of getting married and having kids, I guess those are some of the things that confuses some bisexuals, as if you could "choose" to have a heterosexual life but yet you choose to go the 'difficult' way.

    Maybe first you can focus on what you desire and then think about what you want to do next. Such as do you want to have a wife because you want to have a life partner who you can love, share, and be committed to or do you want a wife because that's what the society expects you of...

    If you have questions you can send me a message.
     
  6. NJCentralGary

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    I know how you feel. In my college years I dated only women, then i went years without dating anyone at all...not that i'm really dating anyone now lol. I would say to myself "I'm bi" it was easier then saying I was gay and this way I didn't have to tell anyone and I kinda just ignored it. I have finally admitted to myself that I am gay! I can finally say it now, even if it's only to myself. I have recently come out to my sister and it felt good, but i have a long way to go. We ALL have this struggle at some point, just for us we are dealing with it later then most. I will tell you this...I think women are beautiful, more to look at then to actually be with. :slight_smile: It's confusing, you will figure it out. If you want to message me to talk, I WILL be there as I'm sure so many others will as well. Good luck in your journey of self discovery, it's a bitch. :slight_smile:
     
  7. Chip

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    Hi, and first off, welcome to EC. There are plenty of people -- including quite a few here at EC -- who have struggled with deciding about their sexuality for years. The biggest step is openly talking about it and exploring your feelings, which you're doing.

    The only large scale study ever done on sexuality was about 65 years ago, but much of that data is still valid today. And from that, we know that only about 10% of the population is completely straight or gay, and everyone else is somewhere on the continuum. Kinsey, who did the research, scaled everyone from 0 (completely heterosexual) to 6 (completely homosexual).

    However, that being said, I would infer from what you've said that your natural orientation is probably toward men, and you have been trying to *convince* yourself that you are attracted to women. You're likely not a Kinsey 6, but probably somewhere closer to that end of the scale.

    Most men go through a process of accepting their non-straight sexuality, and nearly all of us go through the five stages of loss (denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance) as we give up our view of ourselves as heterosexual men and come to realize we are somewhere on the continuum. I would suggest that perhaps you're reaching the "bargaining" stage where you're trying to hold onto the "normal" heterosexual values of having the wife, the house with the white picket fence, and the 2.3 kids, while at the same time realizing that that idealized lifestyle is perhaps not realistic.

    I think that as you talk more with people here at EC, read more of the stories, and examine yourself more closely, you'll find that whatever the answer is for you, it will become more clear.

    I would also suggest that seeing a therapist for a few sessions might be a good step also to help you clarify your feelings and gain a clearer undrerstanding of where you are.

    Keep us informed and be sure to speak up and ask any questions, seek any input or clarifications you need... and take your time :slight_smile:
     
  8. Jim1454

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    I can certainly relate to how you're feeling. I DID get married and have kids, but that never seemed to make me happy. I still struggled with depression, and still secretly would use gay porn. Eventually I had to come to terms with the fact that I was gay.

    Do you know what made things easier, and much clearer? I accepted that I wasn't straight, and that I was likely gay, and I went with that. I didn't commit myself to it for the rest of my life, but I 'tried it on'. And I was comfortable - really comfortable. It felt good to admire a good looking guy or an underwear ad and not feel guilty or uncomfortable about it.

    Maybe during that period I'd have had the odd woman turn my head. Maybe I'd have entertained the thought of having a relationship with a woman after I had separated from my wife. (Although she warned me that if, after all the heart ache and disruption of our separation, I ended up with another woman, she would hunt me down and kill me! :grin:)

    I guess for the benefit of my health, that didn't happen. I wasn't interested in women. I didn't feel forced to notice them, and I didn't notice them. But man, did my neck get sore checking out the guys. :icon_wink

    So try to relax. Let yourself be 'gay' for a while. For 6 months or so. Nobody needs to know other than you. And see how you feel compared to how you feel now. I'm guessing that you'll feel better. I did.

    So welcome to EC - and use this site to get more and more comfortable with yourself. It's worth the effort.