It's a long story, and I never had have experienced so much insecurity. Summing up... I'm 24 years old, currently an undergraduate student in Brazil (basically i changed my major in the middle of my graduation, so I am late to the party), and I work in a public organization. In the beginning of this year, a "co-worker" (I say co-worker, but, even though he is not my boss, this man is in a higher hierarchy position than I) started flirting with me in the office ambient, which led us to a short sexual relationship. He is 56 years old, really, really, REALLY rich and likes younger men - especially in their 20's. Even though I always knew that it would be a terrible idea from the scratch, I was just so much curious to let this opportunity passes by. So, when he invited me to a couple of drinks, I decided to join his game and check what would happen later. Well, soon after our first meeting, I was in his bed, and I must say that, despite his age, he has this wonderful energy in the sexy field, if you can understand. And, in a certain way, I must say that I enjoyed a lot hooking up with him. The problem is: I never wanted more than hooking up, and I told him that I was just interested in this part. “We could be friends with benefits!”, and he seemed to agree with my proposition. However, as much we deepen this kind of relationship, he seemed interested in a real involvement. One time, for example, he said I was “boyfriend material”, more than just sex. Moreover, he invited me for international trips, dinners in fancy restaurants, or travels in his private plans, etc… It was like he was trying to impress me, but I was not with him because of his money and all of these things seemed a little bit odd. So, when we first went out together, to cinema, I had this horrible reaction I wasn’t expecting to have. Suddenly, I became too self-conscious for being with a man twice my age. He tried to show affection, to touch my hands and kiss me, and… I was ashamed of that. Like, “what people will think of me? A sugar baby, stealing money from this old poor man?”. And, suddenly, I was ashamed of being ashamed… When we went to the supermarket together, I imagined all those eyes on me, judging me. It was simple awful. Well, he noticed my reaction. It was so intense that he decided to end everything. We had this conversation, put everything on the table and he finally realized that our story doesn’t have a future. But, we decided to remain friends. Lots of things happened later, but since the story is long, I'll summarize everything. What I can say it the drama returned. When I thought we were in this good situation, when were having a kind of small talk during work (nobody knows about our fling, and nobody knows he is gay), we had a misunderstanding. I didn’t know exactly what I told him, but he understood it incorrectly, became angry and blocked me on whatsapp. I was devastated. One week later, I went to his room, tried to apologize, but he was short, rude and cruel. He remembered what happened in the cinema (I thought he forgot it), said to me basically that I’m a no one, that in my age he was much more well succeed than I, that I have no right to be ashamed, etc. It was a horrible humiliation, but I thought how much I deserved this for being a dick with him. Well, right now I’m really sad for this closure. And afraid. I have this feeling that he is not a well balanced person, because he usually talks horrible things about people concerning their race and status position, defends Bolsonaro (a very homophobic candidate to president in Brazil), etc, but I always assumed these tricks were a simple trace of his personality. I apologized him because what we had was a sexual thing, so his personality would not be a problem, I thought. More than that, he is a prominent mason and said to me that he would made me a judge or something like that if I wanted, got me better jobs and everything else, because he has his influences - which could be good… or bad, considering that he has LOTS OF POWER and can do the opposite if he wanted, which means: destroy my career and reputation for revenge. So, should I be worried? I think that being involved with him was the worst to my psychological well-being lately. I am not a saint and I have lots of imperfections, but I at the same time I have this feeling of being in this disadvantage position. What can I do? Am I overthinking everything?
Hey bookworm! Thanks for sharing your story. I completely understand your worries. Getting involved with someone you work with (especially if they're your superior) is never a good idea. "Don't sh*t where you eat", they say . Looks like your ex-fling is starting to show his true colors too, which sucks. I think you should avoid further contact with him. Focus on your job and keep a low profile. If you bump into him at the office, just be polite as you would with any other coworkers. Let's hope that he'll leave you alone too and that you'll never depend on him for your career advancement. As for feeling ashamed of being out in public with him, don't be so hard on yourself. I think most people in your situation would have felt self-conscious too. He should have been more patient and understanding. But hey, you dodged a bullet with that guy. Take care and good luck with everything!
