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After coming out and unresolved issues

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dlarkin, Mar 7, 2017.

  1. Dlarkin

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    Hi guys,

    I would hugely appreciate your advice and support right now. Basically I'm a 29 year old male and I decided over the last year to begin the coming out process. At this point I have everyone told and the support I have received has been amazing.

    I waited until now to come out as I simply did not have the courage to do so sooner. I come from a working class area and breaking the mould as the 'gay guy' was always something that frightened me. I guess you could say I have a somewhat conservative background too which didn't help (Catholic Ireland).

    I literally put my love life on hold all my life. I kissed many girls down through the years but I knew that ultimately I did not find them attractive therefore I never did anything beyond kissing with them. Although I desperately yearned to meet other guys, I avoided this as I was afraid of being found out. It is difficult admitting this but I am still a virgin.

    I think I mostly avoided intimacy as I have major body hang ups. I am very tall/thin and although I have been told I'm handsome, I feel so self concious re: my body. My doc once thought I might have a condition known as Marfans which is an illness that effects the heart. Those with the condition typically have a lanky/thin appearance too. Fortunately I don't have the condition but I still feel I look horrible when naked.

    I do wish to meet a guy and I know I need to make changes in my life in order to achieve this. I'm thinking of hiring a personal trainer to help me gain some muscle and improve my overall confidence.

    My question right now is, would other guys be interested in a lad in my situation? I know I have a lot to offer in a relationship and besides my sob story I'm actually a fun, caring and loyal kinda guy. I'm just petrified to reveal to other guys that I'm totally inexperienced at my age. I will be 30 in June.

    I really want to make my 30s special. Any advice or thoughts on my situation are appreciated.

    Best regards,
    D
     
    #1 Dlarkin, Mar 7, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2017
  2. Patrick7269

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    Dlarkin,

    Congratulations on coming out and making the choice to be authentic. Welcome to the community!

    Some things that I find attractive are authenticity, honesty, and a willingness to invest in someone. You seem to have all of these. Virginity is nothing to regret, and I think the right guy that you choose to be intimate with will be lucky indeed.

    My only advice would be to come out and date in a way that's true to who you are and honors your roots. The LGBT community is big enough that all are welcome. You don't have to fit a perceived ideal, just be yourself. Sure, work out and be physically fit to honor yourself, but don't feel it's a requirement to fit in or date. I think the right guy will notice you for who you already are if you are comfortable with yourself.

    If coming out seems challenging or lonely at times remember that you are the same person you always were, only more open and willing to be authentic about who you really are.

    Best Wishes,

    Patrick
     
  3. justaguyinsf

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    I don't think well-meaning guys will have a problem with your being a virgin. Some will probably enjoy showing you the ropes, so to speak. My first time with a man was in my early 40's (although I had prior hetero experience) and it was a non-issue. Try to focus on physical pleasure and doing what you think might be pleasurable rather than having an inner dialogue where you critique yourself or your performance.
     
  4. AndyG

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    Congrats on coming out!

    Just for some perspective- I came out 8 months ago- I was 51. Having been married for the last 25 years, remaining faithful to my wife the entire time, I was looking at entering the gay dating scene as a middle aged gay virgin with a dad-bod :slight_smile: Thought there might be a pretty good chance I was going to be living the rest of my gay life somewhat alone.

    I was honest about who I was and what I was looking for. I was open to meeting people of various backgrounds, ages and interests. The dating apps are surprisingly useful as long as you employ common sense and safety. I met a lot of people, from creepy to someone I may just marry.

    I think you're 30's are going to be fantastic. Take your time- relax and enjoy.
     
  5. Dlarkin

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    Thanks so much for the replies guys. I really appreciate them and you have all given me food for thought. Sometimes I think I'm overthinking my situation, then other times I break down and feel so bad about it.

    I just don't know how I could bare telling a guy that I'm a virgin. I understand many people come out later, but many of those people prob had discreet sexual encounters. I literally deprived myself this because of sheer insecurity.
    In all honesty if a genuine guy turned to you and announced he was a virgin would you find this a turn off? Sorry for all these questions. I just feel so anxious by it all right now and it's eating me up.
    I really want to recapture the years that I missed out on now have fun, date, hook ups but this big insecurity is making me uneasy.
    Have you ever heard of other guys in my situation?

    Many thanks for replies.

    D
     
  6. Zen fix

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    Hi Dlarkin, welcome to EC. I think this is a bigger deal to you than to any guy who is attracted to you. Lots of people come out late. Lots of people are inexperienced. Just be upfront before you jump into sexytimes with someone. Let him know you're inexperienced but excited to be with him and have some of those experiences.

    I've not had the opportunity to be with a man either and I'm a decade older so you're doing pretty good from my POV.
     
  7. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome.

    There are actually *lots* of people who come out later-in-life, in their mid-20s all the way up to their 50s and beyond, who have never had a sexual experience at all. They don't go around trumpeting this, which is why it probably seems to you like you're the only one. But you're not. Among people who come out later in life, it's actually pretty common.

    So it really isn't nearly as big a deal as you make it, and anyone who genuinely cares about who you are won't give a rat's ass about how many partners you have or have not been with. And anyone for whom it is a big deal... isn't someone you want to be around anyway.

    As far as telling people, you don't have to come out and say you're a virgin. There's honestly not even any need to say it at all unless/until you feel comfortable. You could conceivably have sex with someone and not tell them, and they likely wouldn't know.

    There's no magical handbook you get after having sex that shows you everything you need to know, and the experiences people have vary so much that there's no real standard of expectation. Nobody's going to jump up and go "What do you mean you don't know about that?"

    So... you could simply let the relationship develop, and when the time comes for it to become sexual, simply let the other person lead. You could, either at that point, or afterwards, simply say "You know, this is all kind of a new experience for me, so I may need some patience," and that may be all you need to say. If he asks, you can simply say that you didn't come out till late, put everything on hold, and here you are. Nobody worth your time is going to freak out about that.

    I know it may not seem like this to you, but it really isn't anywhere near as much of a big deal as it probably appears to you right now. :slight_smile:
     
  8. Dlarkin

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    Hi guys,

    Apologies for my late response. Thank you so much for all your replies. I really appreciate them and they have certainly helped me to try see my situation differently.

    I guess I'm just very fearful of being labelled a freak. I just read a post on an online forum earlier where a poster suggested that people who are 30 and still virgins are messed up. My heart actually sank when I read this and I can't stop worrying since.

    In reality I'm a hard working, caring and respectable guy. I feel I have so much to offer a partner. My circumstances have just been pretty crap. I just don't want to be misunderstood and labelled 'messed up' for my lack of relationships.

    I would really lovely to meet a nice decent guy and I'm sure in time if we hit it off I would tell him about my situation. Do you feel most guys would be understanding?

    Lastly, because I feel I missed out on so much until now (dating, fooling around etc) do you feel that I can still do all these things in my 30s? I still feel and have been told I look much younger than 30, and although I know I'm not old, I just feel like I should have all of this out of my system by now. In reality I'm just starting out.

    Thanks again for all your replies

    D
     
  9. OnTheHighway

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    I came out in my 40's, and enjoyed a second adolescence after doing so. Its generally understood within the LGBT community that people struggle with shame and internalised homophobia. As a result, you more-so-than-not actually get a free pass so-to-speak from many in the community (at least those that are not filled with so much self hate and low self esteem to be shallow). I found people to be really supportive and understanding early on in my journey.

    It seems you are still working through some elements of shame that are impeding your ability to clearly see all of the opportunities that are ahead of you. Consider working on the shame that has built up, release yourself of that negative energy, embrace your sexuality and make the most of your life. You gave so much to live for!
     
    #9 OnTheHighway, Mar 21, 2017
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2017
  10. Zoe

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    Congratulations on coming out. I can't speak for the guys out there, but when I came out at age 44, I, too, was completely inexperienced, and I can tell you unequivocally that it was not a stumbling block to dating.
     
  11. Dlarkin

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    Hi guys,

    I haven't posted here in awhile but just to update on my progress. About a month ago I began befriending another gay guy and he has become a really good pal to me. He has introduced me to some of his friends who were nice also. He even took me to a gay night at a local bar which was an experience in itself �� that night I got super drunk and kissed a guy for the very first time. It felt amazing.

    A couple of weeks later I met a guy I used to work with on a night out who turns out is gay also, after a few drinks we kissed too! It's as if I was on a roll lol.

    Right now I am focused on taking things a step further and would like to date more and possibly meet a guy for relationship. I am still very concerned about admitting to a guy that I've been celibate all my life until now. I feel so ashamed and embarrased by it all.

    It's only now at 30 that my life is begining to take off. I really want to look forward to the future but my shame and embarrasment keeps weighing me down. I'm also still very insecure about my body. I really want to be intimate but exposing my body to another guy has me petrified.

    Any advice?

    Many thanks
     
    #11 Dlarkin, May 23, 2017
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2017
  12. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Dlarkin,

    I hope that by visiting EC you will see that your situation is not all that unique.

    It sounds like you have wonderful qualities to share with a partner, and congrats on both coming out and making the decision to get out there and start dating!:slight_smile:

    My concern would be that when you find a man you are attracted to and enjoy going out with that you will be so preoccupied with these worries about being inexperienced that it will prevent you from letting all those great qualities truly shine through!! There is absolutely no shame in being inexperienced, and I would echo what others have posted, that you are making this larger than it has to be. But I do understand that the way we feel about something deep inside, how we perceive it...even if you are reassured by others it's 'not such a big deal', it can be VERY big deal to us, and can become a real focus. And the more we focus on it the bigger it gets in our mind.

    I don't think there is any reason you need to 'come clean' with this information when dating (and really there is no reason you would ever have to if you don't want to.) If you want to say something you can just say that you always dated women until you were able to embrace your true sexuality. This is true after all. And common. Just look how popular this 'Late In Life' forum is. A lot of us are well into adulthood when we come out and have our first same sex experience.

    I had only had sex with men until my mid-40's when I acknowledged and accepted what I deep down knew all along--that I was a lesbian. So this put me in the 'girl virgin' category. The first time I had sex with my girlfriend (she had been with women and knew I was a girl-virgin) I was amazed at how non-nervous I was. When you truly care and feel safe with someone, the sex will just sort of flow.

    I do understand your feelings and how this is weighing on your mind. I think visiting EC will help. Chatting with people here will likely help you to keep the thoughts, worries and resulting shame you experience around being a virgin in perspective. When we are alone with our thoughts, with no one to share with, our thoughts can keep feeding on themselves...becoming huge in our minds.

    Working out is a great idea, not because you 'need' to but because working out tends to make ANYONE feel better about themselves and exercise really does do wonders for the mind too!

    So advice I would give anyone (experienced or not!) is to take relationships slow, you don't need to sleep with anyone on a first date! Just get out there in the dating world, you will know when you connect with someone. And trust me, no partner is going to give you some sort of quiz about your sexual experience that you need to 'pass'! And you will not be asked to provide your sexual experience resume!

    And I do think that your 30's can be the decade of GREAT for you :icon_bigg!
     
  13. PatrickUK

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    In all honesty, I don't think you need to tell anyone that you are a virgin or have been celibate until this point in your life. When I was dating, I never made a point of discussing my sexual past with the guys I was with because I was focused on the relationship with them. For all they knew it could have been my 1st time or my 101st time. Even when it was my very first time I felt sufficiently informed about what to expect, because I'd done my reading and research and when the question about topping or bottoming arose I simply stated that I was open minded about it, which was a fair and true statement - at that time.

    Others may disagree, but I don't think you need to invest too much emotional energy into this particular issue. You have done great and come a long way, so focus on meeting a decent guy and enjoying the future and what it might bring. Many of the answers will become apparent as you go along.
     
  14. OnTheHighway

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    Dlarkin,

    While your beginning to progress through the social aspects of being gay, I trust your also working on your own emotional well being? As you were raised with a religious background, amongst other heteronormative messaging you had been exposed to your whole life, it's important to focus on working through Shame and Internalized Homophobia.

    These create significant emotional barrriers as your growing up, in order to fully embrace yourself and get the most out of your life the best way possible, while becoming authentic to yourself, and have a way for you to be successful in any relationship you ultimately get into, managing shame and internalised homophobia are important.

    So, while your exploring the social aspects, do some thread searches, ask questions and also begin to let go of the emotional wall!
     
    #14 OnTheHighway, May 23, 2017
    Last edited: May 23, 2017
  15. KyleD

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    Hi Dlarkin, I came out at age 27 and now I am 30. I have never had sex with another person before but if someone were to reject me because of that I would not care because I would not want to be with someone that shallow.
     
  16. mnguy

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    Hey Dlarkin, congrats on coming out and what you've done so far! I have the same fears that you do and I've let them and other things hold me back for about 11 years longer than you. It only gets harder the longer you wait so please do your best to not let the fears stop you from meeting guys and enjoying your 30s. I even worried about a guy telling others about my virginity, like it's a joke. That's probably not likely and if he did, they would soon forget anyway. People are more concerned with their own lives than others.

    You don't have to mention that you're a virgin. I dunno if guys would ask stuff like how did your last relationship end, or other stuff that could gauge your level of experience. I suppose you could find hookups to try different things, gain experience and you wouldn't have to see those guys again if you didn't want to. If you'd rather wait for a relationship then I think you could tell a nice guy and he'd understand and be patient with you. Maybe you'll meet another inexperienced guy and you could learn together. That'd be cool. Good luck to you!