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Afraid to come out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nespit, Oct 10, 2020.

  1. Nespit

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    I have been in a relationship with my first partner since pretty much childhood. I've always had crushes on both girls and boys from a young age, but I never saw the possibility of dating a girl as I had lived in a very, very homophobic bible belt of a country first.

    Discussing these issues with my family? Out of the question.

    What freaks me the hell out is lately I have pretty much lost all attraction to men, completely and I don't know how to cope. I care for my husband deeply but not in a sexual way as much. I can still perform but I find myself disassociating or just focusing on his pleasure so he won't feel rejected. I don't even like kissing anymore and I'm sure he's noticed.

    I feel weird now coming out as a lesbian because of many fears in play too. Fear of his reaction, family reaction, people assuming I'm faking it, and I also feel guilty because it just ads to the negative stereotypes people here already have about bisexuals (which is what I originally came out to him as and even that has caused tension).

    Just wanted to get that off my chest and feel better.
     
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  2. Tartanskrt

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    Hi and welcome. I hope it felt good to get it off your chest. I think it's actually more normal than people realise for your sexuality to change over time. I definitely feel I've become more drawn to women over time but I'm not sure for much of that was just me lieing to myself and for much is me changing, but I've come to the conclusion it doesn't really matter. I'm just physically and emotionally not even vaguely attracted to men and very attracted to women.
    I guess maybe it would help if you think about what you'd like from coming out to your husband? Do you just want to be honest with him or are you looking to explore this side of yourself more fully?
    Anyhow Welcome and I hope you find other people's experiences help you in coming to an understanding of yourself. I know they have for me.
     
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  3. Nespit

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    Thanks so much for the support!
    And well we actually have tried to explore relationships with other women in the past, mostly friends with benefits situations but it didn't work out for either of us.

    I actually would prefer being in a relationship instead of just having multiple one night stands and such, which he knows.
    He was more comfortable with the one night stands and is afraid of sharing that type of intimacy so that is pretty much where some of the clash comes from. He's even voiced fears of me leaving him for another woman before so that's also where the fear of fully coming out comes from too.

    He seems to go back and forth between accepting my desires and then feeling threatened by them so I just don't talk about it much until he does.

    And he does know that my attraction to women was higher, I'm just afraid of hurting either of us so it just feels like a rock and a hard place right now.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi and welcome to EC. :slight_smile:

    I’m sorry that you’re in this situation. I’ve been there myself and it was really difficult, so be kind to yourself. You didn’t plan or ask for this to happen.

    What you want your life to look like? What’s your ideal situation? If you feel that you know the answers to these questions, can you start to think about what steps you would need to take to get there? Breaking it down into baby steps can help, whereas looking at it as one big change can be overwhelming.

    Also, don’t assume that staying with your husband will be less painful or even not painful at all, in comparison to separating and each going your own way. Living a pretence is incredibly hard, even more so when you live with the person that you’re living it for and have to keep the act up 24/7. It will make you miserable and resentful, and all that combined doesn’t make a pleasant situation for either of you. You might both be better off in the long run if you each had the opportunity to find somebody that you are more compatible with.

    I’m not saying that leaving is easy, but staying really isn’t the easy option that it can sometimes appear to be.

    Take care and keep posting.
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Oct 10, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2020
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  5. Tartanskrt

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    I had a long term male partner who was always trying to make this happen and it was never something that felt right to me. It was tempting at times but apparently not tempting enough. I guess for me sex had to be intimate, not necessarily in a long term relationship but it had to at least have that feeling of comfort for me to feel desire.
    Is there someone in particular you're falling for?
    I get how he feels, he wants to be your partner so he doesn't want to lose you but he gets a kick out of the sex bit and/or wants to support you but feelings for people are feelings they're not just sex. Our at least for some of us, I guess
     
    #5 Tartanskrt, Oct 11, 2020
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2020
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  6. Nespit

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    So everyone, I have updates... After lots and lots, and lootsss of talking and sorting out of feelings, we're both giving poly a try, and he's been a lot more comforting and supportive lately. It's hard navigating all of this with so much feelings involved, But I feel a lot less ... anxiety now.
     
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  7. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s good that you are communicating and that you are feeling less anxiety. I hope things keep progressing positively and keep us updated.
     
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