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Afraid to come out to transphobic family

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by BeetheBusyBee, Dec 20, 2023.

  1. BeetheBusyBee

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    Hello emptyclosets, this is the first time I've ever posted anything to this site, and I need some advice for coming out to a transphobic family.

    You see, I don't believe that anybody in my family is accepting of transgender people, I've heard my dad litterally say things like "There are no women with dicks or men with vaginas", I've heard my mother's boyfriend call trans people "it" because he dosen't know what pronoun to call them, and I've heard my cousin and my uncle make multiple transphobic remarks.

    I don't know how to come out to them or even if I should. I know I'm a woman deep down, but I feel as though I'd be disowned by my family if I were to tell them that. Please, can I get some advice?
     
  2. Rayland

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    My dad pretty much told me I can't be a man, because I don't have the parts. This is all very wrong. I will make him understand eventually. I think the best thing right now for you though is to be safe and have a plan ready, if you should be disowned. Gain as much independence as you can.
     
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  3. chicodeoro

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    Hello, Bee. Welcome to Empty Closets.

    Two questions - how old are you? (This makes a difference. If you're say 14, you are likely to be spending years still in your parental home. In which case it might not be a good idea to come out to them just yet, just for your own safety).

    Also where are you? Not exactly. But do you live in the US or the UK? Do you live in a rural or an urban location? Again this makes a difference. If you live in a city you are more likely to be able to access the support you need than, say, if you live in the middle of nowhere.

    Beth x
     
    #3 chicodeoro, Dec 20, 2023
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2023
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  4. BeetheBusyBee

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    I am 22 but still living with my parents, and I live in a rural area, a small trailer park just a little ways away from a small town.
     
  5. chicodeoro

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    Ok..living in a rural area is tough if you're trans. Do you have any friends you're out to?

    Beth x
     
  6. BeetheBusyBee

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    There are a few friends of mine who know I'm transgender.
     
  7. Sammy1995

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    People can surprise you sometimes. I think there's a difference between ignorance and reactionary violent behaviour. If any of it is the latter don't endanger yourself your safety comes first. You're so brave though it took me 6 years longer to finally accept that I was trans and I only got mild homophobia from my family. If you ever need anyone to talk to most of the admins are super helpful and so many of us are going through the same painful process. You're not alone and you deserve to be who you really are.
     
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  8. Keller

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    Sincerely sorry that your family seems to hold transphobic views.

    First off, do you feel a need to come out to them? Because it’s not something you owe to anyone, it’s something you should only do if you think and feel that it is the right thing to do.

    If you do and you’re planning on coming out to them eventually, it’s best to plan ahead with the worse scenario in mind. Make sure you have a safe place to go and people who will support you when needed. You might also check with a local (or one not too far from your place of residence) LGBTQ group to see if there might be some resources available for you or if they can provide some kind of support.

    Sure, your family might surprise you with their reaction, and if their initial reaction would be negative - it doesn’t necessarily mean they won’t accept you at all, they might need time to process the news, to learn and reflect… But coming out could also severe your relationship with them - but it won’t be the end of the world. Sure, it hurts being rejected by people who are supposed to be close to and supportive in whatever life throws at you, it hurts a lot, but it can be overcome. Being born into a family doesn’t mean you’re tied to them forever - you can chose your own way and your own family.

    If you’re worried about their reaction or suspect there might be a violent one, you don’t have to deal with it alone, being a trust friend with you or maybe come out using a letter, or, to put a modern twist on it, via video call.

    Regardless of how you decide to act, do prioritise your own safety and well-being. Best of luck to you, sister!
     
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  9. chicodeoro

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    To be honest Bee, if you're family are transphobic their reaction isn't going to be great so I wouldn't bother. Not yet.

    Presumably at aged 22 you have some plans to leave the family home? I would concentrate on those and then build up your support structure from friends and contemporaries. Once you have a) distance, b) perspective and c) a support structure, you'll be in a much better place to come out to your parents.

    Good luck!

    Beth x
     
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  10. quebec

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    BeetheBusyBee.....I usually catch people when they make their first post in the "Welcome Lounge" but I missed you there, so I'll catch back up to you here! :old_rolleyes:

    Hello and a big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent! :old_wink: ) when that becomes necessary! This is a safe community of loving, caring and very supportive people and we will do our best to help you blend into the community.

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out, join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBTQ folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. :old_cool:

    *****There is no doubt that having an unaccepting family makes coming out difficult. If your family is as transphobic as you say, then I would suggest that you delay coming out where they could hear about it until you are able to move out and be financially self-sufficient. There is often just too much danger involved in a situation like yours if you come out too soon and are still forced by finances to continue living at home. Of course me just saying move out, get a good job and live on your own doesn't automatically make that possible...and I understand that. However, it is something that you can work toward and most people of your age would normally be doing that anyway, so it wouldn't look out-of-the-ordinary for you to do so. In fact, you may very well be doing this already and if you are - congratulations!! Please keep us updated on how this continues to unfold. Remember...you are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! :old_wink:

    Some info on how to navigate EC: :old_confused:

    When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_big_grin: If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message.

    …..David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  11. TinyWerewolf

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    You're like me, but a woman instead of a man (I'm also trans). My situation is a worst case scenario though- essentially it blew up in my face a bit over four years ago and had to go back in the closet to my abusive family. The best advice I can give is keep everything clean of any sign you're trans (clothing, devices, search/web history, call and text history, social media they have any chance of seeing, etc.) and get the hell out of there before you come out or they have a chance to figure out.
     
  12. Jakebusman

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    Hope your doing ok