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Afraid bf won't accept me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by curiousmind, Jan 24, 2020.

  1. curiousmind

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    I drove 5 hours to come out to my best friend. Now here I am and I don't think I can do it! We've been friends for years and we tell each other everything and in this moment I can't bring myself to tell him this! I wanted to tell him face to face but I am absolutely mortified. I don't know how to tell him or where to begin but it's eating me alive that I can't tell him. I honestly think he suspects but I don't know! Help!
     
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  2. Will S

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    I would just take a deep breath and tell him if you have been friends with him for a while he obviously loves you and wants your friendship. As someone who came out to all my friends, it is very scary but after you do it a ginormous weight is lifted off your shoulders. And you can be who you are meant to be.
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! Deep breaths... chances are it is going to be alright. The fact that you have driven five hours to come out to your friend is a good indication that a part of you feels it is the right moment, and that he will be supportive. From the sounds of it, you have a strong bond with him. If you find it too difficult to say it out loud, write it down on a piece of paper and show it, give it to him.

    Let us know how it goes.
     
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  4. curiousmind

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    Ugh I couldn't do it. It filled me with dread thinking about saying it out loud. We got drinks at a local pub and we ended up talking about our respective relationship troubles. He's going through a divorce and I just broke things off with a cousin of his. At one point he asked why I ended things and all I could muster was that I had feelings for someone else, without clarifying gender. He jokingly listed women from my past, when I said no to those he just stopped and said "you'll tell me when you're ready." I'm sure he knows and I don't know why I can't say it out loud! I thought about telling him through text but his soon to be ex-wife has been going through his messages.
     
  5. johndeere3020

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    Don't beat yourself up too bad. When the time is right you will know. At that point it won't matter who knows for the ones that won't accept, you don't need in your life!
     
    #5 johndeere3020, Jan 27, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2020
  6. Mirko

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    Hi there! It is perfectly fine that you weren't able to come out. In some respects, you have actually started coming out by revealing that you are seeing somebody else. That's a start! :slight_smile:

    Coming out to others, including close friends, can be hard because in order to verbalise your sexual orientation, you have to overcome your own fears, dismantle the wall that you built to protect yourself. Give yourself a bit of time, and when you feel ready to try it again, give it another go.
     
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  7. johndeere3020

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    MIrko is correct.

    When we first realize that something is different about us the first brick gets set in concrete. That wall gets ever taller and ever stronger as we try to protect ourselves from our friends, family, society, whatever it maybe. Sometimes, like for me it took from age 13/14 till age 46 to pry that first brick loose, I couldn't even say the bisexual/gay in a sentence much less about myself.

    I promise that it will get better and you will gain the confidence to be your authentic self.

    D
     
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  8. curiousmind

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  9. Mirko

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    Congratulations! How are you feeling?
     
  10. curiousmind

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    I feel conflicted. Somehow I feel selfish for laying all of this in his lap. I've been borderline depressed about this for months and it felt good to explain to him what I was going through and I'm sure it explained a lot of my recent actions to him. But now what. I'm still not ready to be 100% out
     
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  11. Oliverrrrr

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    Now you've at least had the excellent experience of having come out to someone you care about. A big step, congratulations on taking it.
    Now you can choose who else you want to come out to, if anyone.

    I remember a huge sense of anticlimax when i told my mum. Like i was expecting to feel different somehow, or my world would be filled with hot gay men who wanted me. What happened was it was just another day, in my same little world. But it felt like at least i wasnt trying to hide anything, and that felt good.
     
  12. Mirko

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    Hi, I don't think you have any reasons to feel selfish. Sharing such a personal part of you with your friend only shows how much you trust him and value him as a friend.

    It's okay if you don't feel ready to be out to everyone. You can continue to decide to whom and when you would like to come out as time goes on. As you become more comfortable with coming out, and being out living your life, the fears, worries you might be having at this moment will disappear.
     
  13. Inlife88

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    I agree that you should take a breath and be honest. It sounds like they are a good enough person to accept you either way.

    Peace and Love
     
  14. Laurennnn

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    Those feelings are normal - it's stressful to come out! But if they're your best friend who you have complete trust in, you should NEVER feel scared about telling them something important to you. If they're truly your best friend, they'll be confidential and completely supportive. Otherwise, they might not really be a great friend.
    Congratulations on recognizing a new part of your identity - and stay strong! You can do this!
     
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