Hello everyone, I haven't posted anything on this site for a couple of years now I guess, but this was the site that helped me tremendously with accepting myself as gay, and since now I feel about as lost as I felt back then, I decided to come back... I grew up in a small town, then moved to a big city 1,5 years ago, already out to many loving friends, and some of my family, hopes high that I'd find love finally..(I was 18 at the time) Fastforward to now, after some failed attempts of creating something lasting more than a couple dates, and a not-so-fairy-tale-like first time (which became a somewhat regular, but very unfulfilling fuckbuddy-relationship, which is finished now), I came across a guy that I finally liked... We went on our first date and we clicked very well, and we basically didn't separate after that. I felt safe. He was 36 (later it turns out that he's 47 in fact), and we talked a lot..He seemed to really care, he seemed to know what he wants, we talked about everything..What am I looking for, what is he up to, etc...So I told him I was looking for love..I've never been in a relationship before, and I had not the slightest idea of what I actually want from my partner..I just wanted to be loved. He told me that he's just finished a 5 year relationship, and doesn't really feel like dating right now, in fact he was still in therapy with that ex, but he said that the goal of the therapy was to understand their relationship, not to fix it and make them get back together..But we spent all this time together, so I asked him what are we then? And he said this is a relationship, and he doesn't want anyone else...So I ignored ALL of the red flags and didn't question anything after that. And it was magic. And it was too good to be true, so one night I went through his emails and found that he was still involved with the ex..involved meaning they still had sex regularly. I was devastated...I thought he would break up with me for the fact that I snooped around in his private stuff, but this is not what happened, we stayed together...There was many crying, many long talks, and many ambiguity on his side, and the complete loss of trust on mine...So we stayed together, him still in therapy with his ex, me manically snooping around...And I would always find something, and I would always get enraged by it, we would fight, and one of us would eventually give in...He didn't actually go and have sex with anyone, but he would engage in sex talks with random guys, or guys he knew and has had sex with before. Now the valid question of why I stayed with a guy who I can't trust comes up..and I know it hurt him every time we fough because I send him the message that said 'You can't be trusted', and nobody deserves that. But I wanted to trust him, and hope dies last. Eventually I got into therapy, where I worked out that the obvious reason why I got into a relationship like this, ignoring ALL the red flags, was because I don't feel that I deserve better..My need for somebody to make me feel loveable and loved is big enough to say that it's worth it to endure this. So I started to work on this with my therapist. Fastforward to now, he cheated on me again, with a random guy at a sauna, the second day of Christmas. It hurt like hell, even though I expected it (I still snoop around..), he's stuck abroad now, there's no public transport until the 6th, so we're trying to patch everything up online...I broke down in front of my family (eventually I came out to my dad and brother, so the whole nuclear family nows, and everybody is accepting), and my mother was all about helping me, but like the tiger mom she is, I can't make her understand that what she's doing -trying to exert total control over my actions, so as to shield me from any hurt- is not helping, and makes the situation even worse. This made me realize that in fact the my love that I thought was perfect, pure, and true, was not so much as I imagined it..I can see that I was very controlling in fact..My love was perfect, pure and accepting, but only as long as my boyfriend was in my comfort zone.. He says he wants to change. He says he doesn't want to be the guy who fucks around..And some of his behaviour is driven by many internal complexes, that is for sure. But I think that some of it is just that - he's not hard wired for monogamy. He doesn't feel bad about fucking around...And he's told me that he doesn't want to date anyone else, he wants to marry me, he wants our love to flourish etc...With these guys it's just that - nsa sex. I've told him that I don't want to take this, I can understand that it's just sex, but I still get hurt, and the fact that he lies about it hurts even more..I'd never lie to him. I will always love him, I'll always be there for him, we can be friends, I just don't want a relationship with him. I'm 20, I'm clever, I'm reasonably attractive, there are millions of people in this world and I would surely find someone else. And even if I don't, it's not the end of the world. Not this sounds rational and convincing, but it takes about 20 minutes of talking to him for me to get into doubts about everything. His mind is attractive. His crazy is attractive. He's like a magnet...And while I'd love to see us as friends, I'm afraid that I'd always want him, and if I get another partner in the future, that partner doesn't deserve having to put up with this magnetism..Although maybe it would fade.. I recently discovered a book titled the Velvet Rage, about issues that gay men face growing up, and the effects of shame-based trauma. And it resonated in many ways with what I worked out with my therapist. I know that the first month of the relationship was a dream. I idealized this person, and after getting a slap across the face from reality, I tried to love him as an actual person. I could, I love him very much, but very much of it has to do with the fact that he makes me feel loved. And that's something that I always craved. He accepts me, he accepts my body, he holds me...But I also know that I have to build a mechanism for self-validation. I can't live a life looking for validation coming from the outside... And if I really think about it, I think the solution is clear..get out of this relationship, try to do it in a way that doesn't hurt my boyfriend, then go on living my own life...But with feelings involved, this is easier said than done. I'm not asking you to decide instead of me, I know it has to come from the inside, and this is just the gist of the whole story, I hope I included all of the important points, but I think I could use some insight, so if anyone reads all this, and has something to say, please don't hold yourselves back, and thank you.. Also, Happy New Year everyone!
I've also read the Velvet Rage. It's a very good book. You're also rather spot on about all your observations. There really isn't any advice that I can give you that you don't already know yourself. One of the things that really stuck out at me was the fact that he lied about his age. A nineteen year old dating a thirty-six year old is a huge age gap, but then to turn out to be nearly fifty years old... sorry, for me that would have been an instant deal breaker. You sound rather mature for your age, but the fact of the matter maturity is one thing and experience is another. You lack life experience, particularly with relationships, and you were in a vulnerable position - just coming to terms with your sexuality, coming out, etc. That makes you emotionally easy to jerk around, to manipulate, and to some degree control. The simple fact of the matter is not everyone is built for monogamy. Even when some people genuinely want to be monogamous they find themselves struggling and cheating anyway. Other people find that once they fall for someone they really don't have the desire to look outside the relationship for sex. At the end of the day what matters is that you can define what you want... and it's clear that what you want he can't give you. You know that already. When you find him cheating on you again in the future then that shouldn't come as a shock to you, because you know he's not capable of being monogamous. We can only blame other people for so long. At some point along the way, once all the cards are on the table, we become willing participants. We make a choice. Doing nothing is still a choice. If you choose to remain in this relationship then you're choosing to be with someone who lied to you right from the very beginning. You're choosing to be with someone who took advantage of your inexperience and your vulnerability, and you are choosing to be in a relationship that is making you unhappy. From what you've written, I don't really see a point moving forward in this relationship where things start to get better. Things will likely only continue to get worse, and it's going to start impacting you even more negatively. You said yourself, you know you should leave this relationship. There is not a single sign from what you've written that I can see that you should remain. If I were in your shoes every sign that I see would tell me to run as fast as I could. I would consider him toxic to my happiness and my mental well being. Can you even think of a single reason to stay, outside of the commitment you've already made to the relationship and the fear of leaving? Honestly, I can't. In the end, it's better to be single and happy than to be in a relationship and miserable. You are twenty years old. You've got your entire life ahead of you, and you're going to find somebody else - somebody who treats you the way you deserve and want to be treated. You're going to find a relationship that makes you happy. ... but it's not going to be with this guy. At this point, it's not about trying not to hurt his feelings or work things out. It's just about doing what's best for you. In my opinion, that means getting out of this relationship and not looking back.
It sounds like really you should look for other guys soon because all your attention is being focused on a guy who doesn't deserve your loyalty. You might also look for other gay friends who can understand your situation better than your family. It's good your talking to a therapist.
