I'm 60 and married to a woman, but preparing for my first affair with a wonderful man I met on line. Advice for my first time with a man would be appreciated.
I know you're looking for different advice, but my first suggestion would be not to have sex with someone else (men or women) if your wife doesn't know and is assuming that the marriage is a monogamous one. I can't stop you, of course, but the healthiest thing would be to be honest with your wife and decide what you need to do about your marriage. It's not fair to her for you to get used to lying to her, and frankly, it's not fair to yourself either. Best of luck!
Just do what you enjoy, and what your partner is enjoying. Play around with their body and when they seem to like what you are doing, just continue for a bit before trying something else. You can always ask your partner what they like to do before or even after you start. Probably be upfront that this is your first time, it is normally not a problem for people.
I'm going to echo Gravity's thoughts. Sorry to be harsh, but if you put yourself in your wife's shoes, how would you like it if the person you'd been married to for a long time, and invested their life, commitment, and future in... decided to put his own selfish needs first, completely disregard the integrity and authenticity of the bonds of commitment that were made, and go and cheat ? LIkely you'd feel really, really shitty. If so... then why would you be willing to do that to her? There's nothing wrong with deciding that being heterosexually married isn't for you. And there isn't anything wrong with deciding that you need to experience sex with another man. But it is totally not OK, inauthentic, and simply selfish and shitty to do this without first discussing the issue with your wife, so that she has options. At this point, you're taking all the control away from her. Additionally, anyone that would hook up with someone who is married has no respect for relationships, so if you see this as something other than a one-time thing, consider that if he's willing to do this with you, knowing you're married... he'd likely be equally willing to cheat on you if the two of you form a relationship. Karma's a bitch. Please give that some thought.
I completely agree with you, Chip. I was about to say the same thing, but I didn't due to a fear of backlash. I should also add that along with the betrayed trust involved, cheating is bad for three more reasons that have not been listed: 1) Hypothetically, what if one cheats and ends up getting HIV (but didn't know it)? Or even a different STI? If the wife had spent her whole marriage taking precautions, she is now given a serious disease that she never consented to. Her physical health is now destroyed which is an even bigger betrayal than the cheating itself. I don't know how I'd recover from this in her shoes. 2) If kids are involved in the marriage, finding out about an affair can either permanently destroy the relationship between father and child (as kids, especially teens, are more sensitive to affairs than to even divorce) or it can teach the kids how to have an unhealthy relationship. If a heterosexual daughter is involved, she may mistrust all future men as girls compare men they date to their fathers. 3) It really puts the LGBT community in a bad light. If a woman cheated on her husband for another woman, I would not ever date her. It is an automatic dealbreaker and it would disgust me if she approached me. Because now I know one of two things....First, if she cheated on her husband and defended it, she will probably cheat on me so I can never trust her. And second, if she thought it was okay to cheat just because it was a girl, that says that she does not view homosexual relationships as valid or equal to heterosexual ones, which is a problem. Basically, it can ruin all chances to have a healthy relationship with an actual gay person because we do not trust you now. But those are my two cents. That being said, I understand that we should not criticize someone who already DID cheat and is asking for advice, since they KNOW what they did is wrong and don't need anymore salt in the wound. However, if someone is considering cheating but has not yet, I think it is very irresponsible for us as members of this site to encourage this kind of behavior.If the cheating is already done, I'll set aside my morals to give advice, but I will never condone it and frankly find it appalling how much the LGBT community (not you Chip, but the community in general) thinks It's okay to hurt and betray heterosexual partners just because they are afraid of coming out.
I have to agree that it is obviously wrong, and I hope noone has misinterpreted my giving of advice as consent for what he is doing. He simply said he decided on it and others had already voiced their discontent so I saw no need.
Thanks! Just wanting some idea how to proceed as my partner is experienced with men - and will be my first time! Can you give me some advice on how to prepare for being a bottom, should my lover want that and I am willing?
Step 1: Come out to your wife as questioning your sexuality (or curiosity). Step 2: Tell your wife you want to experiment with men. If she agrees, proceed to step 3. If she does not agree, decide on staying in the marriage or not. If you decide to leave your marriage, then proceed to step 3. Step 3: Come back here and post your question again after your wife already knows. I will be happy to give you plenty of advice on how to have sex with a guy. I have plenty of tips for bottoming and getting the most out of your experience. But I won't help you cheat. It's wrong and you know it. Your move.
Hey Tim Jay, I agree with @I'm gay. Beyond that, on the directly practical level that you are asking about, have you done a search here on EC for tips on first-time bottoming? What about on the Internet? And even beyond that, are you sure that you are ready to bottom or do you simply think that that is 'expected?' Do you know that your one-time boyfriend is exclusively a top and not primarily a bottom himself? Just asking.
@Tim Jay you're playing a dangerous game here, and you're playing with fire. If you go behind your wife's back and she finds out, even if it's a one time thing, you don't know what she'll do. She may have as revenge affair. Would that be ok with you? She may scream, yell, and kick you out of the house starting divorce proceedings instantly. Are you ok with that? Or at worst, she may snap and try to kill you. Are you ok with that? And it's not just your wife you're betraying. It's everyone you know. They will all look at you differently, and wonder if they can trust you when your own wife can't. Having an affair, is flat out stupid. Harsh words maybe, but it's true. And if you go thru with this, the people in your life are not the only ones that will feel differently about you. I will never respect or trust you or anything you say. And I'm sure there are others here that would agree with me on that. Even the fact that you have considered doing it is making me look down on you. Doing something like that makes you sub human. Hate and flame me all you want, but it won't change my feelings.
Absolutely! Another thing she may do is tell everyone in earshot that you are gay. Are you prepared for that? Are you ready to be publicly outed to everyone as gay? You list your orientation on this forum as straight but curious and that tells me you are nowhere near ready to confront the reality of being outed as a gay man. If you carry on with this dangerous game you may find it's a reality you will have to confront.
This was posted on Oct 8th, so it is possible that the affair has already been taken place. I don't know if this is true or not, but something to keep in mind. But the other commenters bring up excellent points as well. It is very terrifying to be outed as gay, but I also can't say I'd blame the wife for it, especially since it is also terrifying to be cheated on and have your physical health risked. I don't think two wrongs make a right, but it's also the reality of what can happen. Honestly, over time I feel like I am losing sympathy for people who defend affairs because they can't come out. I can sympathize with someone who is afraid to come out and may risk losing their own family, but to bring an innocent person in and possibly ruin their lives (either because of unwanted STI's or raising a broken home without mentally preparing for it) is the most selfish thing a person can do. It's very cowardly and hypocritical as well. We go through life being hurt by straight people and complain about that, but I don't think we are entitled to hurt heterosexuals in similar ways just because it is 'hard'. Life in general is hard. Part of being an adult is to be honest and have communication, even if it scares you. It's what I had to learn in life.
