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Advice on dating someone with depression

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by MiaSansTime, May 7, 2019.

  1. MiaSansTime

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    Hi All,
    I'm not typically one for feeling depressed, but I've been pretty wrecked this past week. A few months ago I met a wonderful woman online. I was married to a man for 15 years, but we divorced a year ago. I've always known that I was attracted to women and even had a few experiences in college. Like a lot here, it took a long time to finally listen to the voice inside my head telling me that it's okay to be gay.
    Acceptance is one thing. Meeting someone special is another. I'm femme, and I'm attracted to femme women. To make matters worse, I live in a smallish Southern city without a strong gay community.
    I found a website exclusively for femmes looking for femmes and within a few days starting talking to a woman. We hit it off immediately, starting talking on the phone, had a facetime "date" (she's a 10 hour drive away), and made plans for me to fly up there to meet in person. Even though it was only a couple of months, it seemed like forever before we actually met. My trip was dreamy. We got along perfectly. Not only is she a beautiful woman, she's an amazingly kind and intelligent person. I knew she sometimes had a hard time seeing that about herself because 5 years ago at age 30 she was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer and given a 5% chance of survival. She beat the odds but in the process she lost her fertility and had some surgeries that changed aspects of her body. None of that matter to me though. In fact, it only made me admire her more. On my trip, we officially decided to become "girlfriends" and made plans for her to come visit. After I got back home, everything was great. She booked her flight to come down for a week. I told my 13 yr old daughter. I took off work. I was so excited.
    However, a couple of weeks ago, she stopped calling and texting as much. Her family was in town for a week during Easter so I chalked it up to their visit. Now that I look back, I can see the signs but at the time I didn't know to look for them. One week ago, 5 days before her flight, she informed me that she wasn't coming. I was so hurt. She told me that she suffers from depression and that she just couldn't come. We spent hours on the phone last week; I researched clinical depression trying to understand how best to communicate with her. At times, she told me that she just didn't think she was ready for a relationship, that she wasn't good enough for me, that she needed to work on herself. Then a couple of hours later, she'd be okay and thank me for being so understanding. I told her that I just really wanted to see her and that I would come there instead or fly her back early if she'd just come for the weekend. Her ticket ended up being non-refundable, and the last minute flights were expensive so we decided to facetime over the weekend instead. I was devastated, but I tried to be supportive because I realize that depression is an illness. She can't help it anymore than I can help getting a cold, right?... which by the way, I got a really bad cold that hit me hard Thursday morning. Also that day she got a call from her mother saying her sister-in-law had a panic attack and was in the hospital. I didn't hear from her until Friday afternoon (after sending a couple of texts and calling). In my sick state, I was a little hurt that she hadn't asked how I was feeling or reached out at all. Friday afternoon she tells me in a text that she has driven to her brother's house (which is 1/2 way to me) to be emotional support while sis-in-law is in the psych ward for a few days. Also in the text she says she has a terrible funny story to tell me. I don't hear from her until that night, but I don't answer my phone because at this point I'm an emotional wreck. How can someone who is so depressed drive long distance to be emotional support for someone else? It is her family though so I try to keep an open mind; I'm more hurt that she doesn't ask how I'm feeling knowing that I'm sick. Finally by Saturday late afternoon we talk. She tells me her "funny" story: she decided when her brother called asking her to drive down that she would pack a bag and head on to me afterwards. However, halfway down she realizes that she forgot her wallet (i.e. no ID or money), but she does have her passport. I'm elated. I say we can figure something out. We don't have any opportunity to work out the details on the phone, but she says she'll call me in the morning. I don't hear from her until Sunday afternoon when she calls to say that she's driving back home. I start crying on the phone; she flips out and tells me she can't handle how much she's hurting me and that she wants to be with me but that it's too hard. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster. I care about her so much. Everything was great until just a couple of weeks ago. She told me that she'd call yesterday, but I never heard from her. I have thought back, and I believe there is a pattern. Her depression seems to worsen when she's around her family. They are all super close and loving and supportive, but they are also loud and demanding... may be a trend with liberal Catholic Yankee families I've noticed haha? No offense anyone! I think she gets overwhelmed, but it's her family, so what are you gonna do?
    For anyone out there who's dealt with depression themselves or those of you who have a loved one who suffers from depression, any advice would be helpful. I don't know if all of this is just a symptom of the depression or if she really doesn't want to be with me anymore. I may have already fudged it all up because currently she's not reaching out. I'm so hurt and confused, and I feel like I'm spiraling into a depressive state myself.
     
  2. Chip

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    I'm sorry for what you're experiencing. I can imagine how upsetting and disappointing it is, especially when she is repeatedly making commitments and then flaking. You're getting your hopes up, and then being disappointed over and over.

    So what to do? This is probably not what you want to hear, but if you have all of these problems going on at the outset... it's only going to get worse.

    Depression is a neurochemical problem, basically a deficiency of specific neurotransmitters associated with mood, typically dopamine and serotonin. And much of the latest research points to early childhood issues (familial problems) that impact development of healthy bonds and attachment, without which the neural pathways don't develop properly. So you have a combination, in many cases, of a neurochemical problem, combined with a wildly dysfunctional family-of-origin that contributed to the development of the problem. If the person with the depression is still enmeshed in the family issues (which it sounds like is the case here), then it is very difficult for that person to actually make any headway against the depression, as the causal factors are still present and actively getting in the way of helping the person get past it.

    If it were me, I'd take the hint I'm getting and move on. A friend who was in a somewhat similar situation once relayed what his therapist said to him when he was talking about his relationship. The therapist said "Do you want a boyfriend, or a project?" And it really hit home. If you continue on with this relationship, you're getting a project, not a girlfriend. And it is pretty much always a terrible idea to go into a relationship expecting someone will change, or hoping that you can change them. That's an almost guaranteed recipe for frustration and resentment.
     
    OnTheHighway and Chiroptera like this.
  3. MiaSansTime

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    Thank you for the advice and honesty. That all makes sense. I don't want to give up on her because I truly believe she's a good person and is actively trying to get better. However, her words and actions have been hurtful lately, and if she decides to shut me out, there's not much I can do. Again, thank you. I didn't know that about the childhood issues... very interesting...