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Advice (married and bi)

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Butterfly6, Jan 28, 2020.

  1. Butterfly6

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    Hello everyone! It's been a bit over a year since I've acknowledged my same sex feelings and have been sorting through them since then. I'm still very much attracted to my husband but these other feelings are really weighing on me. When they are not around I'm the straightest person ever, but I need to attend to these feelings because they are very uncomfortable not acting on them.

    For me, my feelings for women are more emotional, I'm now in my late 30s and I remember as a teenager I would become extra clingy with some of my girl friends but at the same time I really liked boys. I have only recently started thinking about a relationship with another woman and something I think about a lot when I'm alone...to the point where I am constantly trying to distract myself.

    I still love my husband and when the feelings for women are not around I think about him, our future, our kids (they are 14 months, 7 years and 15 years), going on dates etc. I do crave him sexually all the time but lately I have tried not to act on those feelings because I feel slightly distant from him with these new and strong feelings.

    If I had to put myself on a scale, I would probably say I'm between a kinsey 2-5. I can fluctuate a lot, I really really enjoy my feelings for guys, don't get me wrong. To be honest, I may not even be able to hold down a monogamous relationship with another woman because my feelings for men can become extra strong if I ignore them for too long (mostly the sexual ones).

    The reason why I'm on here is because I really want to hold off any concrete decisions until our youngest child is at least in school. I have an amazing job but I need time to dedicate to it in order to sustain myself if I need to live on my own. Our oldest child is also struggling with her own emotions and I was really hoping to get her a bit stable before doing anything drastic.

    My husband knows I have feelings for women but does not know how much these feelings bother me and I have given up talking to him about it because I sound like a broken record. At our last convo, he told me to come to a decision and let him know. He knows I love him and I truly do but I feel a little trapped.

    I feel like (me) as a person am a bit messy. I don't think an open relationship would work especially at this time while our son is so young and my husband is totally against that idea anyway. I just don't want to screw up my kids.

    Thanks everyone...any advice would be appreciated <3
     
    #1 Butterfly6, Jan 28, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2020
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  2. MBM4K54

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    I'm sorry that I can't advise you, I just want to let you know that you're not alone.
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    Hey, I am sorry to hear you are struggling to figure stuff out, not sure I have any magic words to make things better but I would just say try to be kind to yourself whilst you are sorting everything through, these things arent easy. Have you ever seen a therapist?

    I someone had a magic wand what would you like to happen next?
     
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  4. Butterfly6

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    Hi, I've seen a therapist before but it was a horrible experience. One totally lead me on the wrong path thinking that my feelings for women were irrelevant.

    Others didnt know how to deal because i was younger and I'd go in and be like I think I'm gay! And then next session I'd be like oh nevermind, I met a guy etc. I had no idea how to handle my sexuality.

    I want to see one eventually but I really want to just wait and see where these feelings lie, I hate being all over the place.
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Yeah that is understandable. I think therapy is good but only if you have the right therapist.

    How would you describe your relationship with your husband? If it weren't for the feelings toward women would you be perfectly happy with it?
     
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  6. Butterfly6

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    Yup definitely. My life would be perfect, if women weren't around I'd be all over my husband like I was when we first met. It was a dream! Sometimes I'd think about us living on an island together with our kids and guaranteed he'd be the only significant other on my mind.

    Sometimes I try to think the same as in our house is an island, but I know it's not lol. These feelings about women are overwhelming, they actually make me really dizzy sometimes.

    I go through my day fluctuating between men and women and it can be too much sometimes.
     
  7. IslandMama

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    Hi, I'm in a very similar situation to you. Part of me wonders how much of this is midlife crisis type stuff: like, we're almost 40, wondering "is this going to be the rest of my life?" And also wondering how much of it is the mid-30s sexual peak that women supposedly have? For years I was looking forward to that: didn't expect it would mean I'd crave sex with WOMEN!

    I'm curious your answer to what someone asked you above: if you had a magic wand, what outcome would you ask for? For me it would be the ability to have a separate relationship (or at least try) with a woman. To be able to pursue them as I please. Without having to give up what I have with my husband. But he's not on board with that yet.
    I hear you saying you don't want to bother your husband with how much your feelings are bothering you. But I think you should. Otherwise you'll grow further apart instead of potentially closer together.

    Good luck on your journey!
     
  8. IslandMama

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    SAME. If only they weren't around, wouldn't think about it. But I work in libraries... and beautiful mamas are EVERYWHERE.
     
  9. olderwiser

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    Too bad your husband won't understand that you are not going anywhere you just need to take care of needs/desires. He does not need to feel threatened or jealous, these are just your needs/desires. Here is an interesting question, how would you feel if he needed to a man in his life to fulfill his needs/desires. Think of this as if you were not bi. Probably over stepping, sorry if I am.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Have you ever been close to a woman? Was there anything specific that happened around the time these feelings came on so strong?
     
  11. Butterfly6

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    I have, when I'm distracted with other parts of life, I feel like I'm falling for every woman I meet lol.

    I really feel like if I met another woman i liked I could end up being a kinsey 4-5, men would become mostly a sexual urge (that I may want to fulfill once in a while).

    If I had a magic wand...that's a bitter sweet question. I would probably just want some freedom, my kids would be old enough so I could explore and maybe I'd be in an open relationship with another woman or with a man and woman.
     
  12. Butterfly6

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    Tbh I wouldn't care because I'd completely understand. The only time I would mind is if my husband wasn't there for me ot the kids. Otherwise I'd totally let him do what he needs to do.
     
  13. IslandMama

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    Not over stepping, appreciate the feedback as always. That's why we're here.
    There's a lot of issues at play, as with anything. I wish I could really imagine the flip side, but it's hard since he's kinda homophobic, def NOT attracted to men at all. Also he is very monogamous, whereas I've never viewed myself as naturally that way. I feel like I'd be fine with it, though! He was saying " well, if you want to sleep with another woman, then I do too" but it felt like it was just revenge and anger talking, not a genuine desire.

    He does understand that it is just needs/desires, and also that I cannot change them. He is just afraid of losing me, and unsure of what he's willing and able to live with.
     
  14. IslandMama

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    FREEDOM, right?! I feel like so much of this is just about that. But why should love and family have to be a trap?? Being stuck in societal patterns that make us have to behave in certain ways. I am such a radical at heart; really questioning how I ended up with such a conventional life.
     
  15. silverhalo

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    I think the problem is it isnt always just jealousy. I have heard lots of stories where people are in hetero relationships and they decide to get the same sex thing out of their system and then once they experience it they realise they cant go back. I'm not saying thats true for everyone but I think there are enough stories to give a straight partner cause for concern. I'm not against open relationships but they have to be right for both parties.

    Do you think it is possible that once you were intimate with a woman your male urge would disappear?
     
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  16. Butterfly6

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    I dont think my feelings for men will ever disappear, but they may just be not as important (or maybe just kept as a fantasy).
     
  17. silverhalo

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    It's just a shame you dont have a crystal ball to see the future. I know a year feels like a long time to be figuring stuff out but I think things can take a while especially when you have a husband and kids.
     
  18. justme32

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    Hmm...this is such an interesting thought. I feel this way but the other way around...like my feelings for women are just a fantasy...but I have definitely felt attracted to women in real life, too. I don't why, but I'm STILL in this phase where, when I feel like I'm attracted to a woman, it's like, "pinch me- I must be dreaming". I think it's because it happens so much less often than with guys and because it's a little less intense when it does happen, but it's there and I feel like it's getting more intense as I get older. I wonder, if this trend keeps up, will it get to the point where I desire women so much more intensely that I WILL get to a point where I won't want to be with my husband anymore? I also finally got to a point where I wasn't feeling guilty for thinking so intensely about my attractions to women (long story)...but the guilt comes back every now and then because almost always when my husband tries to be intimate with me, I find it more annoying than sexy, and I don't really feel much but I guess I just kind of...fake it? Or try not to appear too annoyed? Then I start feeling guilty all over again. And I haven't told him about that part because I'm not looking to destroy my marriage...and telling him that would. I still feel in-love with him, most of the time, I think. Or maybe just a familial love? I dunno...maybe it's just because we're still relatively new parents so I don't want to put too much stock in it unless it doesn't go away within a couple years. I'm just hoping it shifts.
     
    #18 justme32, Feb 9, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2020
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