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Advice for single mum of gay teen (warning: long!)

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by molly1980, Sep 15, 2017.

  1. molly1980

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    Ummm, well ... where to start? I'm (divorced) single mum of four, three girls and one son; my thirteen year old gay son.

    He came out to me seven months ago, while watching TV, as casually as one would ask "what's for dinner?". I was floored but think a handled it ok, I asked him a couple of questions: why do you think you're gay? how long have you felt this way? etc. and then just left it at that for the moment. Later I told him I loved him no matter what!

    He suffers from depression and anxiety, so much so that he is current doing high school via Distance Education, and has a his in the past admitted to suicidal thoughts. Currently seeing a psychologist & psychiatrist.

    Since telling me earlier this year, he has told no one else IRL, he has a few friends online around the world, some with similar orientation (bi / gay). He is somewhat estranged from his father, not overly friendly with his sisters and distanced himself from friends.

    I've not had much experience with LGBT community(?) and I have no idea how this is all supposed to go ... he's quite private and doesn't like to talk about things or have people know his business, but since he hasn't "come out" more(?) , I'm wondering if there is still some conflict within himself or fear or ... I dont know ...

    obviously I love and except him regardless
     
  2. Quantumreality

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    Hello molly1980! Welcome to EC!:slight_smile:

    Thanks for being such a supportive parent of an LGBTQ child!

    The main way that you can support him is just to continue to show him your unconditional love. You may also want to download and read the pamphlet Our Children which may address and answer some of your initial concerns.

    Each of us Comes Out (or not) at our own rate and when we feel comfortable doing so. It is possible that at least some of his depression and anxiety stems directly from the fact that he has realized that his sexuality is different than that of most of his peers and he may be concerned/afraid that he won't be accepted - or possibly even bullied - if he were to Come Out to some of his peers at this point in time. You said the he hasn't Come Out to anyone else IRL, but do you know if he might have at least Come Out to his psychologist and psychiatrist so that they can help him address any fears, concerns or anxiety that may stem from this?

    Do you have some additional specific questions, concerns or issues that you'd like us to address?

    The main way that you can support him is just to continue to show him your unconditional love. You may also want to download and read the pamphlet Our Children which may address and answer some of your initial concerns.
     
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  3. silverhalo

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    Hey I think you handled it brilliantly. There are many people here that would love you to be their mum.

    If you say he is quite distant maybe you could research whether there are any LGBT youth groups in your area and then ask if he would be interested in going to one. If he wouldn't then it's cool you don't have to pressure him but it might help him make real life friends.

    Most important is just to make sure he knows that you love him the same no matter what and if he wants to talk you are there.
    It takes some of us a long time to come to terms with being gay and what it means so he may still have some internal conflict.
    You said he was seeing a therapist, I assume the therapist is LGBT friendly?
     
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  4. molly1980

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    Thank you @silverhalo! I have asked him a couple of times about LGBT groups and he's uninterested (maybe that will change?), but he prefers to be antisocial.

    He is with Children & Young Peoples Mental Health (also known in so areas as Children & Adolescence Mental Health) so they're are very open, and no he has not told his therapist, but on the initial phone "intake" I needed to give a rundown of his situation; so she, therapist, does know.

    I'll be sure to read that pamphlet also @Quantumreality
     
  5. silverhalo

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    Sounds like you have it all under control. With a mum like you it sounds like he will be just fine :slight_smile:
     
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  6. wickedwitch

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    Hi molly1980:

    Welcome to EC! I think you're doing great and it's awesome that your son has such a supportive mom! :0)

    PFLAG is an organization designed to assist friends and family of LGBTQ+ people. If you're in the States, there may be a chapter near you (I think there's at least one in every state), here's the website:

    https://www.pflag.org/

    Depending on where you live there may be an LGBTQ+ centre where you can also access resources. Some centres may have youth groups that may interest your son and programs for allies as well. If there is no LGBTQ+ centre, you might check at the nearest university as they usually have some resources available.

    Keep writing if you have further questions, there's usually someone who can answer.

    Hugs.

    :0)
     
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  7. molly1980

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    Thanks @wickedwitch, I've heard of PFLAG I believe they have one close-ish, as I mention earlier - I've asked him about LGBT support groups and he wasn't interested .. and since he has only "come out" to me, I'm not sure how he'd feel about me pursuing something like that, thats why I sort out something online.

    I guess my only concern at the moment is his (seemly) refusal to "come out" to anyone else, therapist included. I understand that he'll come out in his own time .. I just, I dont know .. being that its been seven months since he told me I just assumed he would have shared with others by now too
     
  8. denouement

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    You sound like a great mom. It's good that you've looked into some LGBT youth groups and so on, even if he's not interested right now. If you're interested in going to such a group yourself-- it might be good for you to connect with other moms of LGBT kids. Even if just to have someone else to talk to about it while he isn't out to the rest of your family/friends. You can run the idea by him if you think he'd be concerned by it. But of course we'll always welcome you here too :slight_smile:

    I wouldn't be too concerned if he hasn't come out to anyone else. He may still have some internal conflict over the matter, or be concerned about bullying/teasing if he comes out. But, since you said he is a more private person, I would assume he may simply want to keep it to himself for now. Not everyone decides to be "out and proud"-- it's only one part of who he is, after all most people don't go around telling everyone they're straight, right? So he may be thinking that it's just not necessary for everyone to know this about him at the moment.

    It sounds like he may be out to some of his online friends, so at least he's talking about it with some of his peers even if he doesn't know them IRL. I think it might be good if you can encourage him to talk about it with his therapist as well. If he does have some concerns or conflict over it they can help him work through that. Otherwise, let him take his time and keep loving and supporting him like you have been. We all do these things at our own pace.
     
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  9. brainwashed

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    Very good point. Not all therapist are created equal. And some of them are great "car salesmen". meaning they'll tell you what you want to hear.
     
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  10. silverhalo

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    I think with regards to you going to pflag or another group perhaps the best thing to do is to ask him. Just say you did some research and you found it. You can say that you totally respect that he doesn't want to go to any groups but would he mind if you went.
     
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  11. brainwashed

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    OK heres my take. Disclaimer: The following are only my views and opinions, I'm not a psychogist.

    a) I just dont see how "a person" who is so isolated can determine accurately they are gay. There essentially has been no "explore & discover". My take on him saying he is gay to mom is to get her attention. Or to shock her. (He is screaming for attention and love.)

    b) To me there are one to many psychological situations going on with the son. Very deep fundamental core "things" - maybe anger, shame, hurt, etc. The forces to be have to get to the bottom of what is bothering him - fast. Example: I just heard about a 14 year old who "all of the sudden, without any clue" started acting up BIG TIME. And BIG TIME in school. (He is solidly gay) He didn't want to go to school at all, where in the past he loved school. To get at the root of the situation his dad took him out of school and the two of them went backpacking. I mean a long trip. And they didn't come back until they ironed things out - like 6 months. I heard they fought, argued, told each other they loved the other, oh it was a knock down, drag out affair. A coming to terms with life. SOMETHING LIKE THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN with your son. The walls have simply got to come down.

    c) Random thoughts. My guess is he's upset about the parents breaking up. He's mad and because of his age does not know how to process, deal with the break up. In speech class they taught me (and classmates) about turn the table. OK, let me turn the table. Has the son been sexually abused? yes, no? This is the kind of situation that can cause very traumatic reactionary behavior.

    I was majorly abused in my mid teens - primarily mental abuse, some physical, some other. My reaction. Total withdraw and not trusting anybody. (and yes I came very close to suicide.) And you know what? Sadly there was no one in my life who connected with me - no one who gave a fuck. So I like a free electron revolving around a nucleus, went off in tangents.

    So if he's into bicycling, take him bike touring and dont come back until he opens up.

    d) Look for cause effect scenario's. It's not like he's a survivor of a Nazi concentrations camp and thus suffering from said camp trauma. (I've done a bit of reading on this subject.) From 2 to 13 he simply cannot have been exposed to, to much trauma. KISS - keep is simple stupid. Ask what he's been exposed to and ask some very sound questions.

    Few. More coffee!

    Post thought. In a gay themed romance novel I read (ya I have to read this material to figure out what I missed in my teen years) You cant tell him you love him, you have to show him you love him.
     
    #11 brainwashed, Sep 18, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 18, 2017
  12. molly1980

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    All indication shows that the organization is very open & pro LGBT, as for the therapist's personal views .. tbh, give the orangization I didnt even think to consider that it would be anything but friendly and supportive. I will try to speak to her privately at some point soon.

    @brainwashed as for your most recent comment, do you mind if msg you privately?
     
  13. KenzyBell

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    It's great that you are okay with your son telling you that!
    I'm 13, and when I came out to my parents they didn't take it very well. You accepting him probably means a lot to him. I get the whole him having depression and anxiety, I have that same issue. And you accepting him might have helped him see that he can be open about things with you. He might be open about a lot of stuff, but him knowing you accept him could help him with sharing more things with you.
    (I don't really know if that makes any sense, sorry.)
     
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  14. Quantumreality

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    Hey molly1980,

    If you are referring to the therapy organization and the therapists that your son is seeing themselves. if they are professional, the concern is not really so much a matter of them being open and supportive of LGBTQ people, rather it's more of a question of their experience with, in your case, Gay teens and the individual therapist's ability to relate to his issues, concerns and problems in order to best support him. Of course, the therapist isn't even aware of your son's sexual orientation, he/she can't take that into account while trying to help him.

    Just FYI, you can only send Private Messages between Full Members here on EC. (Although anyone can PM with Staff Members.) If you wanted to speak more directly to brainwashed, although still publicly, you could write a message on his Profile Wall by clicking on his username on the left side of one of his posts, then clicking on the link to his Profile page. After that you can simply type in the message box on his profile page and, when you're done, you can Post it to his Wall.

    And, for what it's worth, I completely disagree with point a) in brainwashed's post. Certainly your son can know his attractions without any 'direct experience.' Didn't you just 'know' that you were straight based on whom you felt attracted to without actually having sexual interactions with someone? And, as far as identifying himself to you as Gay for the purpose of seeing attention, I have never known any kid to do that and I wonder if even brainwashed has actually met anyone who did that. Is it possible? Sure. But it seems like such an extremely unlikely possibility to me that it doesn't even bear mentioning. In fact, since ONLY your son can ever actually know his own sexuality, you really just have to take him at his word, so the net effect, whether he is being open with you or, as brainwashed surmised, merely seeking attention, is basically the same for you. You just have to continue to support him and show him your unconditional love.

    My thoughts.:slight_smile:
     
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  15. brainwashed

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    I posted the following on your wall.
    @brainwashed as for your most recent comment, do you mind if msg you privately?

    My reply. No I do not mind. But I do not think you can. I believe you have to have 50 forum posts then apply for full membership then you can PM - PM = private message.

    You can also asks staff to pass along a message. Do not know if they will do it.
    ========================================================================================================
    Therapist are like any other group. There are good ones, middle of the road ones, and ineffective ones - I'm trying to be politically correct here. Therapist have there place but to sign up for one without some form of tracking progress is, in my humble opinion, risky. In the book Farm Boys, therapist are mentioned quite a lot. It's an interesting read.

    I will restate my disclaimer. I'm not a psychologist.
    molly1980 the situation with your son reminds me of "a project" in private industry that lets say makes widgets. You go into the project as lets say a new hire, to find the project stalled, burning budget (money), people are leaving left and right. You ask who is leading this mess? When this happens it generally means poor management.

    At this stage of the game, and with very limited info, I'd say your son is upset and this being upset has manifested into the situation it is now. Or it's chemical or medical - something going on in the body.

    There needs to be someone in his life who connects with him. Someone he trusts or leans to trust. There's kind of a clue to this need with his online activity which should be monitored - in my opinion. There are very crafty people out there who prey upon venerable people to get what they want. This happened to my niece. She hooked up "with some guy" who gave her what she craved. Love. Well he had other things in mind for the then 13 year old. Boy that turned into a major family situation. That activity came to an end fast. Oh so back to your son. He's hurting inside and craves attention - by guess.

    In my novice opinion the isolation is concerning. To me this signals defeat on all fronts. Someone has to be there for him and say, hey whats wrong?

    This is where extended family members come in. A grand parent or uncle or aunt, is needed to connect and offer love.

    Please note. I'm going to be away from the internet for a few days. Will respond when I get back.

    Alas I've earned another cup of coffee.
     
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  16. brainwashed

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    molly1980 I encourage you to ask ECs staff questions. They are really helpful. The quality of their replies speaks miles of their experience.
     
    #16 brainwashed, Sep 19, 2017
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2017
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  17. Humbly Me

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    Obviously, despite the fact I am an AP psych student and generally we'll researched on such topics, I am not a therapist and can not give you are professional case study on this scenario. However, isolation is worrying, and though (from personal experience) I know that online friends can be a great help and extremely positive influence (note, evidence from your above post about him congregating with other lgbt people online suggests that there is very little likelihood that he is not completely convinced of his orientation) online activity can not completely replace human interaction. Your son needs to be exposed to other LGBT people his age and if you have to give incentives for him going to an LGBT youth center after giving him a little coaching on being socially acceptable you should do it. If nothing else, he will be better able to accept himself and understand his feelings better after talking with others, and maybe he will find some friends or even someone he likes.
     
  18. Sadmama

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    I'm glad you posted this. I don't really know what to do, but I'm in the same boat. It seems wrong to force your kid to socialize when they are adament about not going to teen groups. More than anything you want them to have real authentic friends who accept them for who they are, and it's so hard when you can't make that happen for them.
    My son maintains that his sexuality is just one part of him and he doesn't want to be defined by it. He won't go to LGBT teen groups either. He says they will run out of things to talk about after about five minutes. He had a few close friends last year, but he (kind of) dated two of them (one a boy and one a girl) and they don't talk anymore. It's so hard! I've tried to think outside of the box of ways for him to meet people.

    Maybe you could encourage your son to join some kind of club or activity where he might meet kids with similar interests, and if there are other LGBT kids in it, even better. I told my son he had to choose something social to do, or I would choose for him. He chose marching band and will do theater in the spring and is enjoying band so far. I think he's slowly making a few friends, but it's a real process. There are some out lgbt kids in marching band I know, so at least he's around them, even if he isn't ready to talk to them.

    Also if you have any LGBT friends or family, especially gay men, it would be so great for you all to hang out together. My dear friend got married a few months ago and we all went to his wedding. I saw such a burden lift out of my son's eyes that day. I think sitting between his mom and dad in a gorgeous church full of people clapping and crying over a beautiful wedding ceremony for two gay men was a priceless experience for my son.
    Other than that I guess just loving our boys and being there to hang out with them when there's not anyone else is at least something we can do.
    I hope things get better for him soon!
     
  19. brainwashed

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    molly1980
    I'm going to clarify ,my previous post(s). Therapy can be beneficial if there is a match between the patient's needs and the therapist skill set. What I failed to say, sending one's teen son to a therapist who specializes in marriage problems is, in my opinion, a waste of resources. I have personally seen psychologist try to "wing it" when such a mis match occurs.

    I also dont think therapy is a substitute for an older person being involved in a childs/teens life. An aunt, uncle, grandparents, etc. Someone who cares and connects the the child/teen.

    Change in subject.
    It's interesting to read about two early teen male youths on this forum thread - molly1980's son and sadmama's son. Reading about the withdraw and lack of social skills, takes me back to my early teen years. (and thats why I've stuck with this thread) I was terribly shy and withdrawn when that age, having only one good friend.