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Advice? Come out.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Runnerrunner, Mar 2, 2014.

  1. Runnerrunner

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    I'm at 14 months since I came out to my wife and kids. Since then I've sounded the depths of despair and survived. I've come out to my boss who's a major community leader in a super-conservative area of the country, come out completely to family and friends, and some work acquaintances. Credit must be given to those who have fought so hard for our rights that I've only gotten a moment of negativity. Overwhelmingly, I've gotten a whole lot of love. I'm at the point now where I couldn't care less that people know. It's a learning curve for sure but I don't regret coming out AT ALL!

    Life is still in flux. I'm still alone. I feel tremendous loneliness at times. I have a lot of guilt and regret about the past, but I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Despite the tremendous loss I've endured, I've never felt stronger and more a man. Ironic maybe, but true.
     
  2. GayDadStr8Marig

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    runner, just hearing your story gives me encouragement that I'm on the right track. the part I struggle with right now is when can I get the conversation started? It's really just a bunch of excuses I could throw out here so I won't bother, you'd see right thru them all. I'm still curled up on the floor peeking out from under the closet door.somehow I have to find a way to climb up off the floor, turn the knob and walk through the door.
     
  3. azure au

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    Its wonderful to hear of the positive reactions you have encountered. You are right so many people have fought so hard to change attitudes, how wonderful to see positive change. Thank you for sharing this and giving hope to so many in similar situations.
     
  4. Beachbum

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    ---------- Post added 3rd Mar 2014 at 02:58 PM ----------

    It was good for me to hear your story. I have been waffling back and forth on whether to come out or stay in closet. Life would be so much easier to just stay the course, but I now know in my heart that that is not me. I feel guilty and have hurt my wife already. I am just dragging this out and prolonging the uncertainty and sadness my wife is already feeling. I feel self-centered trying to hang on to my make-believe-life and at the same time feel self-centered for wanting to leave my marriage and do what is best for me. I have a good life. I just don't have a happy or truthful one.
     
    #4 Beachbum, Mar 3, 2014
    Last edited: Mar 3, 2014
  5. StillAround

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    Runnerrunner:
    I'm at 14 months since I came out to my wife and kids. Since then I've sounded the depths of despair and survived. I've come out to my boss who's a major community leader in a super-conservative area of the country, come out completely to family and friends, and some work acquaintances. Credit must be given to those who have fought so hard for our rights that I've only gotten a moment of negativity. Overwhelmingly, I've gotten a whole lot of love. I'm at the point now where I couldn't care less that people know. It's a learning curve for sure but I don't regret coming out AT ALL!

    I echo everything you say! Like you, I'm now out to everyone that matters in my life, with no negative reaction--just love and support--from all but my wife. Even she understands, but she has some very hard work ahead of her. I've told everyone I've come out to that this isn't a secret anymore. If it comes up in convos with friends/family, they shouldn't feel the need to keep it confidential.

    Life is still in flux. I'm still alone. I feel tremendous loneliness at times. I have a lot of guilt and regret about the past, but I know in my heart that I did the right thing. Despite the tremendous loss I've endured, I've never felt stronger and more a man. Ironic maybe, but true.

    Amen. I've never felt more confidence in myself than I do right now.

    Beachbum:
    It was good for me to hear your story. I have been waffling back and forth on whether to come out or stay in closet. Life would be so much easier to just stay the course, but I now know in my heart that that is not me. I feel guilty and have hurt my wife already. I am just dragging this out and prolonging the uncertainty and sadness my wife is already feeling. I feel self-centered trying to hang on to my make-believe-life and at the same time feel self-centered for wanting to leave my marriage and do what is best for me. I have a good life. I just don't have a happy one.

    And that, I think, is the crux of the matter for so many of us. Do you not feel worthy of a happy life? If so, try watching these two TED talks:

    Brené Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

    Brené Brown: Listening to shame | Talk Video | TED

    Only you can know the right path to take for yourself. But speaking personally, I just couldn't go on any longer without trying to get to a place of authenticity and acceptance . I wish you well on your journey.

    (*hug*)
     
  6. HIL91025

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    Fair play to you! Stick to your guns and the best of luck to you :slight_smile:
     
  7. ormanout

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    Authenticity and acceptance are so very important to all of us. I asked my therapist to hold onto those for me, while I rid myself of all my doubts, excuses, and fears. Each time I visit him, I remind him that he's holding those safely for the day when I will want them back, as they are going to be restored to a place in my soul that I will never, ever surrender them again. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning house on my internalized homophobia and self-loathing. God Bless the good therapists in the world! How else would be make this journey?