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Advice and guidance needed...

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Loving mum, Aug 2, 2019.

  1. Loving mum

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    my 14 year old son has just told me he is bisexual ( he kissed his friend). This was a bolt out the blue for me
    I have always brought my kids up to know that I love them not matter what and responded to him that I think he is brave for sharing this with me and that I love him.
    He is very relaxed about the whole situation but I don’t want him to put a label on himself too quickly. I told him that it sounds to me like he is starting to explore his sexuality and that may be anywhere between straight gay etc. Have I done the right thing I am just worried about how others will treat respond to him if he labels himself right now.
    I hope I have not offended anybody but this is all new to me and I just want to do the right thing for my son
     
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  2. alwaysforever

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    One thing to understand is that people can run into problems when they don't label themselves as well. Because a lot of people assume straightness, this can lead to a lot of assumptions about what life choices they are going to make as far as dating, family, and all sorts of other aspects of life.

    By allowing your son to be themselves and label themselves how they choose, it prevents a lot of mental health problems in the future. Try not to pressure them.

    It's very admirable that you are offering support and want to help. Hopefully your son is happier for it!
     
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  3. quebec

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    Loving mum.....Hello and a very big welcome to empty closets! So glad that you have found us. Kids today have a much better knowledge of sexuality than their parents usually do. What he feels right now is legitimate for him at this time. It could change or his perception of how he feels could change. Your support for him is what is important right at the moment and you have done that so very well! Don't be surprised if he tells you later that he thinks he might be straight or gay. As long as you love and support him he will become a great person that you will be able to look at with pride and happiness.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. silverhalo

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    Hey I think you did a great job and your son is very lucky to have you. It's sounds like he is doing a good job figuring things out and you are doing a great job of knowing making sure he knows you are there for him no matter what.
     
  5. beenthrdonetht

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    That's what he'll remember. Good work, Mom! Really, with a start like that, a lot of other good things follow.

    As others have said, here and elsewhere, labels are mostly useful for other people. One hopes they will respond "Oh, OK I get it." But the fact that "they" don't always get it is why "we" — the holder of the label — don't take it too seriously, as carved in stone.
     
  6. PatrickUK

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    I think you are doing well. If you start from a place of love, kindness and support you will not go far wrong.

    I can understand your concern that he might be labelling himself too soon, but it's also important to understand that labels give us something to anchor our feelings to. Many people feel as though they are drifting and confused unless they can definitively say "I am_____".

    The most important thing is to accept what he is telling you and not dismiss his feelings as a phase that all kids go through, because that's really not true. It may be that his feelings for boys increase or decrease over time, but it's unlikely they will vanish altogether. By the age of 14, certain things about our identity and sexuality become hardwired and it's better to accept these things than repress or deny them, because repression and denial will be far more damaging in the long term than labelling as bisexual. If/when his feelings change, he may choose to re-label himself, but for now bisexual is okay and you are doing okay too.
     
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  7. Being Jess

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    If you come from a place of love and understanding for who he is and not who you want him to be and you respect his free will, I don't see how anything you say or do could be wrong.

    It's tough for parents to realize that their kid is an individual with their own personality, spiritual path and karma. Regardless of how old they are.

    It's tough for parents when their kids come out because they don't want their baby (a kid is always their mama's baby no matter how old) to come to harm.

    In the end we all die and when we do all of our perceptions of what is right and what is wrong will mean nothing. And those that judge us and their opinions will also mean nothing.

    The only thing that will mean anything will be - did I live my life being true to myself and doing harm to none.

    Who a person wants to call their lover is no one else's business - parent, teacher or priest. It is personal and private. We share this so that we don't have to call the person we love our "friend" when we introduce them to you. We do this so that those around us won't make us feel like we have lied to them when we be ourselves. We do this out of respect. We do this because it's fucking confusing and we look to those who have supported us through all the other difficult times in our life to give us the hug we need and to tell us that we are enough, that we are ok and that we are not alone.

    All to often the response is one of hate, anger and lack of emotional intelligence and spiritual awareness. From what you have written this is not your response and I commend you on your courage and being an amazing Mom.

    We choose our parents before we come to this mortal plane. Sometimes we choose them to learn what to do and sometimes to learn what not to do.

    A knife can kill and heal - it is the person that wields it that decides. Our words and actions are powerful and create never ending ripples.

    Come from a place of unconditional love and all will be good. In a blink of an eye it will all be gone.

    We are just dust in the wind.

    And remember, as scary as it may be, it is far scarier for your son to hold who he is inside and have to deal with it in years to come and have missed out on all the years of being who he is.

    Love and light my friend
    xo
    Riyana
     
  8. Rachel9245

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    People have two things: Their actions and their words. If he labels himself as bi and then dates a girl, some people will naturally shift him over to straight anyway without him saying anything else because of his actions. I wouldn't worry too much about it. I would just be careful that "you don't need to label yourself" doesn't mean "I really hope you change your mind" because that's how it can come across depending on how he interprets it.

    The most important thing you can do is emphasize that you want your child to be with someone who is respectful and treats them well regardless of gender. My parents didn't take me being gay seriously enough to give any kind of dating advice so I ended up dating a bunch of assholes because I wasn't taught how I should be treated in a relationship. So other than waiving a rainbow flag, I hope you just give him solid advice on how to navigate relationships and life in general. Showing interest is pretty nice too and can let you know when something isn't right, like "what do you like about him?" "does he like you?" etc. Hope that helps!
     
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