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Adjusting to My New Life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Dionysios, May 13, 2019.

  1. Dionysios

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    This past Saturday I attended my second LGBT social (sponsored by gay scientists). I had a wonderful time meeting everyone. Three of the guys were scientists in the medical field (one actually helped ID the AIDS virus. They were a sweet and welcoming group of guys (I left the gathering with a half dozen additions to my social media).

    One of them told me that it would take six or so years to fully adjust to life as a gay man. After so many years in the closet, I am in an exploratory phase right now. I admitted that since moving out on own, I have been attempting to find my feet. I seem to wear bolder colors now, use my rainbow tie and put on gay related buttons or pins on my shirts wherever I go to show others that I am out and proud. He said that is fine but right now I am over compensating a bit. My friend said that as I meet people and date that I would eventually attain self-actualization. It's a natural process we all go through. I found the conversation both interesting and insightful. I am still on a journey of self-discovery and hopefully will enjoy the experience along the way!
     
  2. Nickw

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    This sounds like a great exposure to some very helpful folks. I have heard the same thing about over compensating with later in lifers. We call this a second adolescence in my circle. Not just clothes but a lot of guys also do a lot of hooking up trying to make up for the lost time and trying to find themselves. There is no problem with just enjoying the process. There are no rules for how this should be done. You'll probably make some mistakes and you will find so some things that won't stick. It's all good. I am thrilled for you on how your process as an out gay man is going!
     
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  3. bearheart

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    Way to to @Dionysios, I'm happy that you're finding more venues to join and making new friends. This will definitely shorten you "compensation" period. Enjoy your path my friend.
    Hugs
     
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  4. smurf

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    This phase is one of my favorite phases to see people go through. Its a giddy feeling that takes you from one high to another. Its like the person is experiencing everything as brand new and looking at the world with new eyes. Its amazing, its empowering and reminds you a little to not take shit for granted.

    I hope you go all out and figure how you want your live to look like. Savor every moment!

    Enjoy all your phases and don't rush them because there is no "end goal" to it all.
     
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  5. Imsogay

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    I definitely wore many more rainbows the first few years. Way to go meeting more LGBT individuals in a shared field/interests.
     
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  6. Mystic flower

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    Good for you for over compensating. I went on a come out spree once I was comfortable being me. The network of supporters I have may be small but it's good enough for me. That was my over compensating. It does feel good, it doesn't mean it's not right. Keep doing what you need to do to live authentically. At this point in my life, coming out publicly is not possible, but I am living true to myself by keeping in touch with my friends who accept me for who I am. One day, I hope to be in your shoes and go out there and meet people! Keep your chin up.
     
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  7. Contented

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    Frankly I think it’s fairly natural at the beginning of this journey of self discovery that some of us might over compensated as we experience the heady freedom that sexual liberation brings. This over compensation is a natural reaction to pretending to be something your not. For many of us we have spent years, in many cases decades hiding our same sex attraction. When that dam breaks and you feel the incredible liberation that follows coming out it is only natural to want to embrace your new identity at high speed in its entirety. For me it was clothing, change hair style, more attention to fitness,tattoos, a pierced nipple and generally shedding many of masculine attributes I had faked for so long. Some who knew me thought I really femmed up as I came out fully. To a certain extent there was some truth to it. However that process allowed to grow into the proud, openly gay man I am today. My homosexuality is still evolving as I continue on this marvelous exciting experience called life. While I no longer wear my homosexuality as a badge , most know when they meet me I am a proud, unashamed, happy, attracted gay man.
     
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  8. Dionysios

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    I agree with everyone that this over-compensation is a natural consequence of coming out. But it is such a fun and liberating process! While walking today downtown I actually stopped to gawk at some handsome college guys walking by (I NEVER would have done that before while in the closet). I can only hope that as I go forward as an out and about gay man that I will eventually arrive at such a fulfilling, joyful and comfortable place as you are my friend!
     
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  9. Dionysios

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    Smurf my friend, you are soooo right! Since attending that Pride Out event, I have been on such a high. It is truly a giddy, almost intoxicating feeling. It's so liberating to act and do things which once was taboo (being able to stop and admire handsome guys strolling by). Attending these LGBT socials is so awesome - I feel the energy from being around other gay guys. It's an incredible feeling. I don't have a crystal ball about what my future is like, but I plan on enjoying the journey that I am now on. *smile*
     
  10. Dionysios

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    Nickw, thanks so much! To use a worn out religious phrase, I almost feel "reborn." It is truly a new life - a new home, new friends, new clothes and a new identity. It's such a wonderful feeling! I am beginning to live a life I never really imagined that I could have. I am a realist and know that there will be bumps along the path. But that's okay. Adolescents make mistakes. Yet I feel optimistic that my life will be far better than the fake life I had before. *smile*
     
  11. Dionysios

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    Thanks for your kind and encouraging words. I am delighted that you have such a tight circle of close friends to give you support. I can only hope that the day will dawn soon for you my friend that you can be out to the world! I NEVER thought that I would be able to be out and live the life that I am beginning to live now. It's so incredible being able to be openly out as gay. As a matter of fact, in tribute to this, I keep the door of my closet open. I've had enough of the confined and stifling life in the closet! *smile*
     
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  12. whistle1

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    Out of curiosity, how are you finding these events?
     
  13. Contented

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    This is so so true finally being able to live openly gay guilt and shame free is truly euphoric. It’s almost like a second chance at adolescences with the wisdom of experience. Proudly being who we are without fear of societal opinions or misconceptions is a gift I wish for all of the community on EC. Homosexuality is not some disease, mental aberration or unholy alliance to destroy the fabric of society. It’s simply another example of love between two people. They just happen to be the same sex but no different than any other two people in love. Adjusting means living your truth whatever it is.
     
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  14. Dionysios

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    I look at LGBT Meetup sites.
     
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  15. Dionysios

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    I concur with your remarks 100% my friend! When I came out in December, I was in a state of shock and disbelief. But now, actually being able to be truly live as an openly gay man, it feels almost intoxicating as well as liberating. Another member likened it a second adolescence as well. That's so true too. It's indeed a new life and a new beginning (Or, to use church language, I feel "reborn" though not in a way an evangelical would like.).*smirk*
     
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  16. greatwhale

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    Hey Dionysios,

    So happy to see your evolution toward a fully gay life!

    What your scientist friend told you is about right...I am at the six-year mark, and indeed, being gay is now a normal part of who I am, I really don't think about it much, other than every now and then while revelling in the joy of being with my partner and sharing my life with him.

    Do enjoy the adventure of discovery, of yourself and of others who identify as we do. There will be surprises, and perhaps some disappointments, but that is what living a real life, as a real gay man lives...just be sure to enjoy the rainbows! :slight_smile:
     
  17. 1cgd

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    Interesting thread that got me thinking... such a great thing about this forum!

    In the roughly 6 months since I’ve been out, here are some of the big changes I’m adjusting to:
    - meeting more gay men in this time than I did in my first 53 years, including several formerly “straight” gay dads like me. My boyfriend is 47 and came out to his ex and kids 11 years ago, so he’s accumulated many gay friends who’ve met me and welcomed me.
    - Not having to hide this or other gay sites on my computer or tablets
    - as others mentioned, not being ashamed of checking out hot guys, although I still finding myself looking away when someone sees me do it
    - I’ve always been fit and kept that up, but definitely less afraid of buying and wearing clothes that might have outed me in the past (especially underwear)
    - playing my dance music louder & louder, long live the 80s & 90s!
    - still adjusting to just havijg things flow so naturally when I’m not hiding, and how conversation and affection flows so freely with my guy
     
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  18. SevnButton

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    About this "over compensating" ... It sounds to me like becoming free to try whatever you want, so you try on all sorts of things, and eventually keep the ones that work well for you.

    It's inspiring to read the posts from you all, and it motivates me toward greater and greater authenticity.
     
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  19. Dionysios

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    I am experiencing some of the same changes that you are dealing with my friend. I'm free to put gay sites on my phone and computer, free to dress in brighter colors, wear sexier underwear and free to express (in public) affection for a guy. It's such a wonderful and exhilarating feeling!
     
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  20. SevnButton

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    Ok, I gotta tell you about my last counseling session - I was telling my counselor about something I had figured out, and how it connected to The Sound of Music. He said, "I just have to tell you, that is so gay!". We laughed hard! And I felt proud. See, the burden I've carried has been to suppress my expressiveness. It's liberating to step out from under that burden.