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Acknowledgment vs. Acceptance of your sexuality?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by curiouspasserby, Apr 3, 2022.

  1. curiouspasserby

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    Is there a difference between acknowledging your sexuality vs. accepting your sexuality, If there is, how do differentiate between the two? I recognize that I am gay but I often struggle with that fact. I often think to myself that maybe one day I can be there with someone of the opposite sex and I don’t have to endure the hardships of being in a same sex relationship.

    In my actual life, my closest friend nows that I am gay. Admittedly, I still feel ashamed and afraid to actually come out to my family and others. Would that actually qualify as internalized homophobia? When I think of not accepting one’s sexuality, I think about outright denial.
     
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  2. bsg75apollo

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    I think there is a difference Acknowledging it is admitting that its true. At least to yourself. Accepting it is embracing it as part of your identity, whether public or private.
     
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  3. curiouspasserby

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    When you say “embracing it” do you mean doing so without any shame attached? I feel like I acknowledged my sexuality, I’m not sure if I accepted it. Maybe I reached a point of semi-acceptance? Or maybe I am at the “Identity tolerance” stage of Cass’ Sexual Identity model and I simply tolerate my sexuality as opposed to truly accepting it. I think I have a lot of internalized homophobia that I generally recognize and need to work through.
     
    #3 curiouspasserby, Apr 3, 2022
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  4. quebec

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    curiouspasserby.....What you are dealing with is something that so very many of us in the LGBTQIA+ Family have had to go through. I fought for many years trying so hard to reject my sexuality. At first it was most subconscious, but as time went by I became more and more aware of what I was trying to pretend wasn't there really was. Gradually I came to understand what it was that I was working so hard to pretend didn't exist, actually was true. That was when I started to think that I could just ignore it. So what if I was gay...I didn't have to go looking for a hookup with a guy. I was married and had kids, I could make things work...after all I had been having relations with my wife for around 12 years by that time. So I was trying to do what you are asking about, acknowledging my sexuality but not accepting that I was actually gay. I would just live like most other straight guys, no problem! It didn't work. The pressure that going against what was actually my true nature got worse and worse. That lead to depression that got worse and worse. That depression finally came very close to costing me my life. What I've learned since then was that I was actually grieving for the loss of my straight sexual life. Instead of dealing with that grief, I was just letting it get worse year by year until, as I said I came very close to taking my own life. I learned that there are five stages to grief...1) Denial That's where I just rejected that I could possibly be gay. That went on for a long time. It laid a foundation for what was to come that was, unfortunately, very solid. 2) Anger that's about where this post starts. I accepted that I was gay, but at the same time I was rejecting it...I couldn't be gay, not me! Yes, I had a terrible time in the locker room not sneaking glances at the guys in the showers or when they where walking around naked. So I just plain got mad at myself when it happened. And I got mad at, I guess you'd say the world for putting me in this position. then...3) Bargaining I would promise never to try to do a hookup with a guy, I'd do my best not to stare at guys, if the curse of being gay would just go away. 4) Depression I've already said how bad this was. It really was the absolute worst. The longer I tried to "not be gay" the worse this got. I came within just a few minutes of taking my life by swallowing an entire bottle of pain pills, but instead I made my first post here on Empty Closets begging for help and the wonderful folks here responded and saved me that night. Then finally 5) Acceptance Ever since that night of my crisis - December 25, 2014 I have been gradually learning more about myself, learning how to accept myself, learning how to understand and work through my faults and most importantly...learning how to love myself. Even people who don't know that I am gay have made comments about how much happier and outgoing I have become in the last five or six years. I hope that this helps you look at your situation in a little different way! Please don't hesitate to reply with questions and remember that you are a part of our LGBTQIA+ Family and that we do care!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  5. bsg75apollo

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    i suppose that embracing it may mean different things to different. For years, I acknowledged it but was still horribly conflicted about it like all the time. Finally recently, i accepted it by stop fight it every step and talked about out loud for the first time ever. The conflict is gone and I feel at peace. It's kind of hard to explain, so I don't know if it makes any sense.
     
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  6. zgaynz

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    I've always maintained that realisation and acceptance are very different and in my case, there were many years between the two. Quebec outlines a number of stages one may go through before they come to accept. I myself went through denial for many years. I thought if I denied it long enough then it would end up being true but deep down, I knew I was gay. My homosexuality kept growing so I turned to rationalisation. I claimed it was a mere curiosity and its human nature to be curious but that didn't work so it left me with only one option, accept it. Accepting gave me the peace of mind I needed. The guilt and shame from expressing my desires eroded because I was only doing what I am hard wired to do. I told myself it's ok to be gay and in time, it went from being ok, to being fantastic.
     
  7. curiouspasserby

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    Thank you detailed response and kind words @quebec. I’m always happy to hear that this community will help someone in need. I’m also happy to hear about your successful process of becoming more accepting of yourself. I hope I can reach your position one day.

    I became vaguely aware of sexuality at a young age since I had my first same-sex kiss at six. Then, around age 10, my sexuality began haunting me. I know it’s absurd but I always thought to myself that if I didn’t experience that kiss, maybe I would’ve never been gay.

    I have a lot of external pressure where my family expects me to settle down with a man. So, when I was younger, I thought that I was bisexual and could be satisfied with a man. I didn’t want go against family expectations. When I grew older, I realized that I was lesbian. Unfortunately, I am still struggling because I don’t want to deal with the societal consequences of being openly gay. However, I don’t want others to dictate how I live.

    I have a long journey ahead of me.
     
  8. Robyn mac

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    I discovered I was gay about 5 years ago . I have embraced from the day of discovery to now. People know I am gay and thats it. To me there is no shame or hiding from it. If you should decide to be openly you will discover the freeedom that you have been missing.
    Do others dictate how you live now ? Why should they dictate how you should live openly. They may have an opinion but you can end the discusssion. Society does'nt tell you what you can do or how to live its up to you.
     
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  9. quebec

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    curiouspasserby.....Thanks for your kind words, but I have in no way "arrived". We all have much to learn. No matter how much we have learned, there is always more. The "Fives Steps of Grief" that I wrote about above are interesting in that sometimes they don't actually go in the order I gave you and sometimes one or more of the steps can be much longer or even much shorter than the others. The important thing here is you. I know you don't want to disappoint your family and others etc., but it's your life - not theirs! They have theirs to live...they don't get yours too. You don't have to live like anyone expects. There are no "rules" that you have to follow if you are gay or lesbian or blond! :old_big_grin: It's about the same thing in a way...we get to live our lives as we choose and there are no rules that say a gay or lesbian has to live different than anyone else.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  10. BirdWatcher87

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    Hi Curious,

    That’s a really interesting question you bring up. I’ve had a long journey too just like you’ve had.

    I didn’t know that I was bisexual until I was about 32 (now 35). In different parts of my young life, I got good feelings in my heart when I saw a good looking guy on TV or in a picture. I never really gave it much thought until my mid 20’s. I began to notice guys a little bit more and it happened enough that I thought maybe I was bicurious and found that label to fit me at the time.

    It was in the last few recent years that I acknowledged that I definitely had an attraction to guys too and felt that the bisexual label was better.

    I’m only out to myself and like many others, I know it can be hard to tell others your feelings. I’m not sure I’ll ever come out to anyone, but I hope someday I can get the courage to do so slowly!

    I think I’ve acknowledged that I’m bisexual, but it’s still hard to accept that I have feelings for men too. Last year, I remember one day throughout work, I kept telling myself, “I’m bisexual, and it feels awesome!” and then said it out loud when I knew I was alone and I couldn’t stop smiling. There are days where I don’t know if what I’m feeling for men is just a phase and I’m really just imagining, but other days it feels amazing. I still have a long road ahead in my sexuality journey!

    I’m not too sure if I answered your question too well, but I thought you posed a really good question!

    Happy to be bisexual! :slight_smile:
     
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  11. quebec

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    Birdwatcher87.....In relation to you saying that you're bisexual out loud and how it felt. About two months after I first said "I am Gay" to another person face-to-face, I was driving by myself on a two-hour trip and in the middle of the trip I suddenly said out loud "I am Gay". I realized two things in that moment, one - I had never said that out loud to myself and really, really meant it from the bottom of my heart and two - for the first time in my life I felt like I actually belonged somewhere...I fit...there were others like me! I had to pull off the road and just let the tears flow. It's a moment that I will forever remember and I am crying even now as I type this. You have found where you belong and so have I....I BELONG!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. BiGemini87

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    Yes, there is a difference. :slight_smile: Acknowledging means saying to yourself, "Okay, yes, I'm gay." Inevitably, it will either lead to acceptance or to retreating further into the closet, but acceptance usually looks like, "Yes, I'm gay, and I'm not only at peace with that but actually okay with it." Basically, acknowledging it is merely the first step. It's one thing to admit it to yourself, but if there's still shame, confusion, guilt, disgust, or what-have-you, then it's safe to say acceptance has yet landed.

    This does sound like internalized homophobia, yes. You've acknowledged that you're gay, but your shame indicates you're still not okay with it just yet. The important thing is to not beat yourself up over it--over being gay, over being ashamed, any of it. It's a work in progress for many of us; even the eldest among us, those who have been out and proud for decades still suffer some guilt and shame on occasion.

    The good news is, you will get through it. Give yourself time and above all, show yourself understanding. You will reach that place in yourself where you accept this aspect of yourself and when you do, you will be the happier for it.
     
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  13. Davecduk

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    I had a sexual experience with a man a short time before I met my wife. I didn't feel comfortable but certainly enjoyed it.
    I did tell my wife a couple of years later and she was very accepting.
    It took me years to be comfortable within myself that although primarily I'm attracted to women that occasionally I am turned on by men.
     
  14. DragonChaser

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    So, lots of people have already said the things I would, and I don't want to ramble as much as I usually do, so I'll just contribute this:

    Internalized homophobia is when you feel shame about some part of your character because it's "gay" and, at the heart of it, you don't like being seen as "one of those kinds." It's a cultural imprint that most of us experience on some level, and it's relative to how much of ourselves we accept.

    Fearing the possible social and professional consequences of confessing something you are aware certain people have a profoundly negative reaction to is what we in the armchair psychiatry biz call "natural," because duh!

    We all do that. But, much as I hate to sound like a motivational poster, together we don't have to be afraid, because together we can show them that we're not who they think we are. In the meantime, we've got each others' strength.

    Hugs and good vibes! :smiley_cat:
     
  15. Meno

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    I have identified myself but can not find acceptance in my self
     
  16. bsg75apollo

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    All in good time. It's taken some of us decades to do that
     
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  17. Sunchimes

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    I acknowledged for as long as I could remember but I never accepted it and hoped that it would change. Of course it never changed and eventually I made peace with it.
     
  18. rainbow96

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    YES - there is a total difference!
    Buuut I do think denial plays a huge role here.. if you keep denying that you are feeling sexual or romantic feelings for the same gender, then you won’t ever accept your sexuality.
     
  19. curiouspasserby

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    Unfortunately, I still feel shame about my sexuality. I can’t pinpoint why but I feel uncomfortable with the idea of others knowing that I’m gay. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid of how they would perceive me.
     
  20. Joolz66

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    I personally a think there is a big difference between acknowledgment and acceptance When I had sex with a man for the first time there was no denying “it” and I was forced in to acknowledging that fact that I am sexually attracted to men. I was 50 at the time and up until then I was in denial for 30 years. I would be super hot and turned on imagining sex with men but when I would masturbate and cum, shame and guilt kicked in immediately. I would bargain that I wouldn’t do it again and then 2 hours later would be craving it. After having sex with a man for the first time there was no turning back. At first I confused acceptance and acknowledgment but for now I have recognised my internalised homophobia and would say I’m a long way from acceptance yet.
     
    #20 Joolz66, Apr 15, 2022
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2022