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About Coming Out to Our Kids

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SevnButton, Nov 18, 2021.

  1. SevnButton

    Full Member

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    A few people
    The end game is not entirely up to me. My hopes and intent are to keep my marriage and family together. Thinking of whether and how to come out to my kids is in the area of contingency planning. If a time comes where it's appropriate, I want to be prepared so that I don't bungle it. That time may never come, it could come with my wife as an ally or as an adversary.

    A couple of years ago, one of my siblings made a passing, light-hearted comment about homosexuality. If I had thought about it ahead of time and if I had been ready, it would have been a perfect time for me to say, "You know, I'm not straight", but I didn't. Instead, I clammed up. I bungled it. I want to be ready to do better with my kids.
     
  2. DecentOne

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    Hi SevnButton,
    I’ve written before that after coming out to myself and my wife right away, my kids and my Mom were going to be next on the list. I picked the people who I wanted to learn from me, not through the grapevine. I read that kids (including adults) like to know their parent trusts them with important stuff. But I know my path is slightly different from yours - I dove into LGBTQ group activities, and so it was going to be known “out there”.

    My wife was so shaken by my coming out, she needed to control my coming out process for more than a year (read: kept me closeted from people we knew until she felt ready to tell them). I did manage to convince her after a couple months that the kids (now grown adults) should hear it from me, and she sat in on that (and cried) when we arranged a time about three months since I came out to her. The kids’ calm acceptance and hugs for me after helped nudge her into a more positive space - it was a major turning point for her.

    - DecentOne
     
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  3. justaguyinsf

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    I think the context for when you come out is really important. So you might want to ask yourself what context at any particular time would make coming out helpful to your kids. For example, if you became involved in a relationship with another man, it would obviously be very useful for your kids to hear you speak about your sexuality. I'm not convinced that it's a good idea to randomly come out to our kids without an identifiable reason as to how that the information will benefit them specifically. And I think it would be a bad idea to tell your kids you and your wife are having problems because of your sexuality, which will necessarily drag them into your disputes.
     
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