I had my first appointment with a new therapist. She’s awesome! It wasn’t easy, but I managed to squeeze out the words “I’m transgender.” Her reaction wasn’t what I expected, it was celebration and applause. It was really nice, her understanding of the moment was that it WAS a moment of celebration. But that wasn’t mine. Being trans and closeted has made my life so hard, so the idea of being trans as a cause of celebration is so… out there to me. The more I think about it, the more insane that seems! Someone tries celebrating me being me, and my first reaction is “No! This is BAD!” I’d really like to find a way to feeling like me being alive is something g to celebrate rather than mourn. It didn’t occur to me that mourning life isnt normal
I finally thought of the question to go with my diary entry. Can anyone share a time (perhaps your first) when you felt that your gender identity was a blessing instead of a curse?
I kind of had the same reaction to my therapist's reaction when I said the word', " I'm not exactly 100% straight."
Did your therapist set off a big rainbow glitter bomb too? I’m kind of amused by it. I get it coming from a good place, and wanting to be supportive in a difficult and vulnerable moment. But it seems premature. I’m trying to get there though!
H Yeah, I guess it’s a good thing that the generalized social message about coming out is that it’s a thing to celebrate. I guess the therapist couch is a weird place for it. Maybe if I’d walked into a hair or nail salon and announced “I’m trans! Make me pretty!” it would be one thing. It this case it had me thinking “Ok, I mean, I am experiencing an existential crisis that is throwing my entire sense of self, identity, and reality into absolute chaos, and I have no idea what my future will look like, but whatever! Let’s put on Born This Way and PARTY!”
I love therapists like this, they warm my heart. The ones I did get to come out to had neutral reactions during the session and my parents then told me the things they said behind my back to them. One was a preacher's wife and I figured out she was transphobic by watching her mannerisms and her tone of voice every time I brought up anything relating to my gender. After being told it's wrong and bad to be different your entire life I'm sure it seems quite bizzare though. I can remember only one that I came out to being excited when I dated my first girlfriend- it was odd to me but it made me happy. It was a thousand times better than my parents' reaction, so I'd take it and any awkwardness that came with it.
Wow, sorry that you had some bad therapists in the past. I’ve had a few myself, and it’s probably for the best that I wasn’t ready to confront my gender identity until they were long gone. My reaction to the mini celebration was my old as hell defense mechanisms (I’m like a medieval castle). I’m thinking of how she meant it, and the idea that one day I’ll get to celebrate, well, me… it’s nice
Don't worry - this experience is completely normal. Being trans or non-binary is not easy, so it's reasonable and extremely common for trans folks to see their identity as a curse rather than a blessing. I understand that it can be extremely difficult to change this mindset and can be borderline impossible for some people, but think about it this way. You have gone through troubles that cisgender people can only imagine - the stress of coming out, the pain of gender dysphoria, and more. But now that you're coming out, you will experience pleasures that cisgender people can only dream of. Living as one's true gender is one of the many things that most people take for granted, but as a trans person, you will be able to fully embrace this wonderful part of life once you come out and begin transitioning. It will be tough, but in a way, that's good too, as it will give you a special type of strength that only a small percentage of the population has - the courage one gains from dealing with the stress of coming out. By no means am I saying that you're struggles are invalid, but this is probably why your therapist is so happy for you, and if you can adopt this mindset, you may be able to see the good in your identity as well. But if you struggle to see the positives of your identity or the fact that you chose to come out, that doesn't mean your identity is invalid or that you never should have come out to your therapist. Even though coming out is often an extremely positive change, it's still a change. Just like any other change, it will be overwhelming at first, and you will need time to adjust. Coming out is like moving to a better home - even if you know it's better, you will need time to adjust and sometimes even long for your old home. But once you can adjust, coming out and being accepted is a truly amazing experience.
Static, that's EXACTLY how I felt the first few times I came out. I would nervously reveal that I'm trans and then the friend I was coming out to would say 'that's wonderful! Congratulations!' and I'd be all sheepishly...'really?' I couldn't believe that it might be a cause of joy and celebration. How do you feel now? My emotions veered all over the place the first few times - I felt vulnerable, elated, frightened, overwhelmed. Often all at the same time. But...you've said the words. That's important. It sounds like you've found a really good therapist there. I truly hope that you're able to get yourself on the right track with her. Hugs, Beth x
