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A very emotional rant about my gender/confusion

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Izzyy, Sep 13, 2018.

  1. Izzyy

    Regular Member

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    She
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    Questioning
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    A few people
    (Hi. This is my first post here. I'm Izzy I'm 15 and I'm afab. What you are about to read is a rant that started very angry. I read the code of conduct and i couldn't find a part about swearing, however if i missed a part please let me know and i'll censor or delete this post. I'll warn you now, i do swear a lot, i was just writing what was on my mind. and i was angry. so um yeah, buckle your seat belts, your in for a bumpy ride...)



    Fuck this all. Why couldn't I have just been born a fucking boy. My life would have been so much better if the damn doctors just shouted 'it’s a boy!' instead of 'it’s a girl'. I'm just so fucking confused. It's like gender is a social construct anyway but I don’t fucking know. I'm just pissed off because no matter what I do I can't like myself and maybe it's because im actually a fucking boy in my fucked up brain. Or maybe I'm just a delusional girl wanting more fucking attention. All I know is that no matter what I do I hate myself. Because I always hate my hair no matter what and I'm awful at makeup and I don’t like dresses or skirts and like fuck. I'm already fucking gay, do I really have to be confused about everything there is to be confused about? Fuck man. I'm fucking terrified. Like, what if I am trans? It would just create so much more fucking stress and shit to transition but if I don’t and I'm trans I'll feel like shit but if it turns out I'm not trans after I come out as trans then im just a stupid attention seeking faker and I don’t even fucking know. I honestly just can't deal with this bullshit like im already fucking mentally ill, I'm fucking gay and of course now I might be trans. I really just want to fucking ignore it, just throw it away and leave it but the more I think about it the more signs that show and I don't know if I'm more terrified of not being trans after coming out or actually being fucking trans. I don’t want this shit okay. I just want to be your average cishet female. Or even better, cishet male. Why couldn't I have just been born fucking male? Why did I have to be a fucking girl? I hate it. I hate that society tells me I have to shav my legs and my armpits and to grow my hair long and to wear dresses and smell like flowers and never fart of fucking burp and be a fucking toy for men. I'm sick of being told to shut up and do what I'm told. I'm sick of being told not to waste my 'pretty' face. I fucking hate all of it. But on the other hand, I don’t have dysphoria. My trans/nb fried described dysphoria as like an intense feeling, you look in the mirror and you absolutely can't stand what it shows, you hate yourself so much you want to die, or cut of the offending body part. I don't get that. Like, I preferred my pre-pubescent flat chest and shit and like a dick would be much more convenient, but I don’t have an overwhelming hatred to the point where id grab a knife and cut my breasts off. I enjoy having short hair, but it wasn't overwhelming distress that led to it. And I'm terrified to talk to my nb/trans friend because if I turned out to be cis after all this, then im just a insensitive cis bitch romanticising trans and nb identities, I'm just a disgusting transphobe. And my heart is beating really fast now and I kinda wanna cry at the end of this rant and why does everything have to be a question, hy does everything have to be confusing. Like fuck, I only just realised I don't actually want to kill myself, can we calm down a little on the fucking confusion for a while. And I'm terrified to even post this online because I'm just so extremely confused and terrified and I think I might be a bit internally transphobic but I don’t want to be a transphobic asshole and I'm just scared and confused and can someone pls help?
     
  2. Cha0ticG

    Regular Member

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    What your feeling is perfectly normal. Your not transphobic, your not disgusting, you are not a negative impact or person. You. Are. Human. Anybody who sees this post can see that friend. You shouldn’t be afraid to express your concerns and your confusion. We’ve all been at that point, not only that but your still figuring yourself out. Know that you still have some time to go (most of us do, hell im still concerned about myself and what the bloody hell to do.) Your human friend, and with that comes the fact that we are super confused creatures who have no fucking idea what we are doing. Just know that you have people talk to here. You shouldn’t be afraid.
     
  3. Mihael

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Out to everyone
    No, you’re not. It’s genuine what you’re going through. You don’t look like someone who is looking for banwagon to jump on. Your friend has their own experiences. You have your own. Also, you don’t seem happy to be a girl in any sense, so I don’t understand in which way you don’t have dysphoria. You may act more composed than your friend, that’s all. That being said, there are many ways to be trans and your identity might not be clear at this age, so it’s important that you don’t close your options right now and that you give yourself the space to grow. I mean, you might be binary or non-binary, you might end up wanting to transition or not (it’s not the same as being binary trans or not).