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A Total Mess. Is there a solution?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by frankied, Jul 20, 2016.

  1. frankied

    Regular Member

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    Ok, this is my first time actually writing/saying this anywhere other than my own head.

    I'm sure that this is a story as old as time, but I am having a hard time figuring out what to do in my situation.

    As a young girl, I had crushes on both boys and girls. I never openly expressed any crushes that I had on girls, because I grew up in a religious home and I had an internal dialog going on in my head (even at that age) that I should suppress those feelings because they were wrong.

    As I got older, I got a bit bolder and when I was drinking I would make out with girls. I always made the excuse that I was drunk and I couldn't remember anything. I had emotional crushes on guys in high school, but I was never attracted sexually to them and actually found myself kind of afraid of them in that way.

    I thought that I was destined to live in this weird limbo where I was attracted to women sexually, and felt emotional connections to both...but never really found any satisfaction...but then I met my husband. I wasn't expecting to find a guy I felt safe with and attracted to sexually. I fell in love with him emotionally and found myself desiring him.

    Things were so great for so long, but I have always, even in the beginning when I enjoyed our sex life, found myself sneaking away when he was sleeping so that I could watch lesbian porn. My orgasms were never as intense as they were when I was watching women together.

    About my husband, I love him SO much. He is literally my best friend and he is such a good person. I often do want to have sex with him, but for the most part it's just a chore and I am just going through the motions. It's so sad. I want to be attracted to him like that and to love having sex with him, because he gives me what I need in every other way...but all I can think about is how much I want to sleep with a woman and closing my eyes and pretending while we're having sex is pretty much the only way that I ever have an orgasm.

    I am totally rambling, but to be honest, I know it sounds like I have always known about my being this way...but I suppressed it so much, that it's just recently that I am actually coming to terms with it.

    My question is: What do I do? What would you do if you were me? I love and adore my husband and I don't ever want to hurt him, but not living my life authentically is killing me. There is literally nobody that I have told the truth and I feel alone. I think I will suffocate if I don't find a solution.

    :tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::tears::bang::bang:
     
  2. KingMrgl

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I think the only person who can help you here is your husband; you need to tell him and work it out from there.
     
  3. DemiNic

    Regular Member

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    I agree with King, this sounds like a situation that can be dealt with best by simply sitting down and being open and honest with your husband. Sadly, that won't be easy.

    But I'm certainly not an expert on any of this, thats just what I see the best solution being.

    Good luck with it all, all of our hearts are with you! (*hug*)
    ~Nic ^_^
     
  4. Just Random

    Just Random Guest

    Surely you could find a balance as you're still saying you do enjoy your sexual relationship with your husband. Perhaps once you've loosened the reigns and truly explored that side of yourself you will indeed grow to like both for different reasons...find different emotional fruits from each experience that your husband could understand - therefore keeping your relationship your own unique thing. I imagine he would be frightened of your exploration incase you got carried away but the best thing to do there would probably be to get as honest as you were in this post with him, on a regular basis.
     
  5. frankied

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    Thank you to all three of you. I know that all of you are right...I guess I just needed someone to say, "Yes, you need to be honest with him." I think my biggest fear is over estimating how understanding he is (also not wanting to take advantage of that side of him either) and losing my best friend.

    I think I will sit him down within the next few days do my best to explain what's going on to him.

    Thank you for the support. I will update soon!
     
    #5 frankied, Jul 21, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2016