So, there is a story i never told that would probably explain a ton of things im going through rn. I am still ashamed of that and everytime i remember my anxiety goes all the way up and i shake everytime so when i was little, from 11 to 15 there was a girl i was into, she was one of my best friends, when i was just a brat that didnt know anything, i was 11 i grabbed her booty twice, we were kids, we didnt know what we were doing, we were still friends for the whole time until we lost contact from distance. But i was so into her that whenever she hugged me i felt like i was in heaven, i always got very aroused, and we did hug a lot of times, hold hands a lot of times too. So i always wanted to stay very close to her, so i loved when our hand touched or our legs etc when she hugged me a lot of times her body was close to my penis and i was always embaressed because i was mad hard everytime, but didnt want that to stop, so i sometimes i would try to get in a position where our bodies touched, her ass and my legs etc. i never went more than that because i knew she didnt like me, and i never tried to force anything on her bc i didnt want to be seen as a abuser or something like that bc i never was and never did, but it was good when i triend and her ass would touch my body or her shoulders in mine, her hands i was very into her the problem is that growing up, i started thinking about this, and what i did when i was 11 years old and entered in a obsessions that i was a sexual abuser, or that i sexually assaulted her and that i deserved to die, go to jail, bc i was a monster so i went talk to her after 8 years of what happened, i went apologize, and she was like “no worries, i didnt get mad, we were kids and innocent, i didnt even remebered that and i asked if why we stopped talking, she said it was bc of something natural, distance and all i was so happy that day, that she wasnt mad and didnt think i was a monster i stopped thinking i was a monster until those memories came back, and every time they do, my anxiety is super high, i shake, almost throw up, cry a lot, cant do anything Bc i start thinking im a abuser, that will sexual assault girls, and what i did was sexual assault etc So it became a trauma and ever since that day, i dont even touch girls, i dont even hug, i shake their hands and this is the max i do with any girl bc im afraid this is the true story, why im probably dealing w all of this i wonder could this be the answer to whats going on with me I remembered today and im crying so much right Now im 20 nowadays and this all happened a lot of time ago, i was 15 a stupid child that was so into a best friend could this be the answer of all whats going on?
Do you guys think im kind of a monster? I remembered this post today and im feeling really really anxious and sad i hate this memories, i hate the intrusive thoughts. i’ve been shaking since earlier you guys have all rights to hate me for this story, i hate myself too maybe i am a monster and i should accept any judgment
Hey Sadness, You are not a monster because of this. Obviously, touching someone without their consent isn't appropriate. However, you were both in an age of discovery, and, judging by what you said, you acted on instinct and not fully understanding that was wrong. Obviously, I don't mean acting on instinct is an excuse. However, the fact that you have learned from the mistake - even gathering the courage to apologize to her, which was probably a very hard thing to do - means you have learned it wasn't appropriate. And that's really good! As for having erections, that's completely normal, especially on an young age. I wouldn't worry too much about it, especially considering you now know what is and isn't appropriate.
Hi, thanks for that When i grabbed her i was 11 years old i didnt know anything, after that i havent done anymore i would still not know what was right and wrong, like you said we were discovering and when she used to hug me and i would try be in a position where our bodies would touch, but i never forced anything, just there were times where she would hug in a position where our bodies would be closer, than I would get closer so our bodies would touch, i wasnt even 15 i think im 20 years now, and this never bothered me, and neither her, since i apologized and she said she wasnt mad and that we were kids that disnt know how life works, but she said she was happy that i know that this is wrong and after that, until today, i never had any type o relationship with woman, i feel scared of touching any woman, my girl friends, i dont even hug them, the max i do is shaking hands to greet them so yeah im still really disturbed by this, almost like a trauma i would like to know if this is the reason why all this started, my obsessio with being gay, my fear of dating, of woman, of relationships every time i remember, i think that i dont deserve to have a girlfriend and that i deserve to be alone i dont know how to expose this it was so hard to even write here, i havent told this to my psychiatrist bc im really embaressed yeah i was a kid and even my mother tells me that i shouldnt waste my life on something that i did as a kid and that even the girl didnt got mad at me i want to overcome to have a good life but i just cant apologize myself Since i was a kid, she wasnt the only girl that i got hard when they hugged me and tried to be in a position where her body would touch me, there were other girls, but i never forced i was just happy that her body were touching mine i was a kid yeah And i didn’t know what i was doing and they werent mad but i cant forgive myself I used to watch a lot of porn too on that age, so probably all this happened because of porn too but i don think ill ever be able to forgive myself i wish i could live a normal life
You have "O.C.D." symptoms. It's Zinc deficiency which goes back to the gut. You can do all the internet searches for yourself. Typical symptoms are anxiety and rigid ("obsessive") behaviours. Psychiatric disorders are on the increase because of poisons like glyphosate which damage your gut bacteria which inflames the gut, causing the loss of Zinc. It's also what's causing the spike in Autism and Gender Dysphoria. It's not your fault. You can do all the internet searches for yourself. You're not gay and doctors won't help you. They'll just abuse you even more. Get your Zinc levels checked, get some good probiotics, and start eating fermented foods. You don't have to believe a single word I've said. You can do all the internet searches for yourself.
While there are a handful of small studies suggesting that zinc as a supplement to other treatment may have a mild positive effect on depression, which has ties to OCD, It is patently ridiculous to suggest that a complex, debilitating mental health disorder that has deep and complicated roots is simply a mineral deficiency. It is equally ridiculous (or more so, can't decide which) to suggest that autism and gender dysphoria are caused by zinc deficiency. This is one of those incredibly dangerous things where someone reads some article somewhere where the author of the article read, but did not understand, a medical study, and makes grossly exaggerated claims that cannot be found anywhere in the study. It's worthwhile asking one's psychiatrist or GP to do a mineral panel including zinc to see if a deficiency exists, but that by itself is not the cause of the problem.
Sadness, Your behavior as a child is a non-issue. Many children have done similar things. To a large extent, especially 20 years ago, that is and was a very common behavior among young boys. Nothing to worry about. Your response to it, on the other hand, both as a child and as an adult, is further evidence of your OCD. So we can now say, pretty reliably, that the OCD symptoms have been there for almost your entire life. The event has nothing to do with your current perceptions. Your OCD-fueled interpretation, of course, is making things worse. If you put 1/10th the effort into finding a new therapist and either getting your psychiatrist on track or getting another one as you do posting the same sorts of questions 10,000 times... you would likely already have this problem under control.
I echo what @Chip says here. I have done all the blood tests and bunch of other tests and no doctor have ever found anything abnormal in my levels and gender dysphoria, adhd and other mental stuff is still there. Seeing a professional and my anxiety medication have helped me a lot, so I can definitely say, that it's best to get real help. If you don't treat yourself, then your conditions can only get worse. It's also good for you to eat balanced meals and do exercise every day anyway to lead a healthy lifestyle. Everything you read on the internet is not always correct and some authors are also biased, so it's needed to differentiate between the information that is right and not go by what some studies say. Look into all of them and compare and maybe even go to library and do your own research there.
