A relative outed my son and I’m pissed!

I'm thinking that the best thing you can do is pretend you never heard anything from that cousin. As you said, I think he would have told you if he was ready for you to know. Although I realize this isn't easy for you. (Then, by all accounts, being a mother isn't an easy job at times!)

You indicated you suspected he might be gay. So this is probably no huge surprise. You might consider this conversation with the cousin to be just another piece of evidence to suggest he's gay. (And, from what I read above, it sounds like he might not be certain, yet. At least, that's the feeling I get from "he thought he was gay".)

Try to stop the cousin from telling anyone else. Try to make it clear that it's his personal business.

I'm assuming you are OK with your son being gay. If so, you might make that clear to him, without revealing the fact that you know anything (or even strongly suspect). He'd probably feel a lot more comfortable coming out to you if he knows you are OK with gay people, and wouldn't care if he turned out to be gay.

 

Hey Johanna, I'm from Colorado too!!! But let me introduce myself, I'm Nate, I'm 14, and I'm gay!

First of all, thanks for being such a caring mother. I really wish mine was as accepting as you.

As for the advice, I think you should confront the selfish cousin and let her know that what she did was incredibly insensitive and irresponsible. Like the others have said, I think you should also demand of her not to tell anyone else. For your son, I think you should keep this whole episode to yourself until he's ready to come out. When he comes out to you, give it some time, then you could tell him about this event, but add in something like "I will always be there for you" or "You can always count on me to support you".

Chiefly, not many moms are as accepting as you are. Thanks for coming to empty closets too!

-Nate

 

It might be very contradictory to what some others have said here, I agree with Naters that it could be an idea to confront the cousin, but I think it could, given what you say about your son, be better if he confronts the cousin, which means you'd have to tell him. Learning to be able to confront situations like this is a pretty vital thing in life, it might just be a good oppertunity to get first hand experience with that as well, but if you do that, do be carefull with how you handle telling and talking to your son about it. - and to after that happened talk to the cousin yourself. There's another reason why this could be a better idea, given the type of person the cousin seems to be from your story and my experiences with such people, if you confront her first, it might backfire and she'll start bugging your son about the fact she told her mom, causing him to discover that way as well and start a huge fight. (Which has happened to me twice now in similar situations.)

 

I'd definitely tell his cousin to keep her mouth shut. Let her know that he trusted her with very personal and private information and she needs to not ruin his trust. Hopefully she will not tell others.
Whether you should tell him or not is a hard decisions. I can see positive and negative aspects to telling or not.
I think it might be best not to say anything to him yet as he might've told her things that he wouldn't tell you, especially about his experiences.

 

I don't think it's been asked already here so, have you considered that your son may have orchestrated this situation in a way to make sure you find out without him telling you?
Coming out is hard and for many people they need the other person to instigate the conversation. That's usually the basis for "coming out tips and tricks" given here and in other sources. Although it may feel like a strange thing to do, it does make sense to persuade the cousin to encourage you to ask him yourself.

I assume that you're an open and accepting parent but none of us should assume that your son knows that. Teenage brains and social skills are not 100% compatible with the parent equivalent (there's plenty of science/studies to support this) so even if you have done everything you can to make him feel comfortable with his sexuality, it may just be that he hasn't really understood the message.

Whether you decide to approach it with him or not has to be your own decision based on what feels right for the two of you but I will offer a little advice for when and however it does come up.
Choose your words carefully - especially as you are now less likely to be caught by surprise. For example, if you ask him and he denies it, you may want to say something to show support. In this case try say something like "whatever makes you happy, is what is important" rather than "if you are gay, I'm OK with that". The point is to make it about him, not you, and a focus on happiness and love. Try to avoid phrases that offer your permission or refer to sexuality as a choice or lifestyle.
It isn't always as easy as that in the moment and it's not a conversation you can rehearse but by nobody has to be perfect. If afterwords you realise you could have phrased something better, just explain to him and say it again. Trust me, a few poorly chosen and overlooked words can stick with a person for a very long time.

In the meantime, keep popping back here for opinions throughout your journey and it will likely all work out fine.

 

Everyone else has already said good stuff, but I have a few points.

The Cousin: definitely don the Mama Bear cape and shame her into silence.

The Son: sending him clear messages that if he came out, he'd be accepted and loved, is SO important. It could be as simple as sharing beautiful same-sex wedding photos with him and saying "Isn't this such a neat idea???" or cheering if two lgbtq characters interact in a tv show or a movie.

Update us! Hope everything went well.

 

hmm. or what if she told your son you know, he may feel it is harder now that you know and haven’t said anything about it?

my niece recently came out to my children. they tell me everything, and as soon as they told me i asked if they think she has told anyone else. she had told her sister and a few friends, but not any other family members. it was a great time for me to teach my kids about not outing other people. they really grasped the concept and appreciated me teaching them about it.

since this has happened i have noticed my niece throwing out “easter eggs” or hints about her interests, such as relating to characters that are also bisexual or shows that are more open, like stephen universe (and amazing cartoon by the way) and i was sure to let her know we were familiar with those things but no one else (other family memebers) where we were seemed to notice.

on the drive home my kids told me they thought it was nice that i gave her a nod of support without sayin anything.

i am so proud that they “get it” but also a little worried because they are kids, after all. and my middle always says the wrong thing at the wrong time.

anyhow, my nieces parents don’t seem as open to such things and i am so proud of you for coming to EC.

hopefully your son has been so lucky to also find a community to supprot him.