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A REALLY intense friend has fallen out with me... because I’m not in touch enough

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by flikflak1, Oct 20, 2017.

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  1. flikflak1

    flikflak1
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    Hi everyone,

    Just some general advice needed really (not LGBT related) about a very intense friend I have in a different country. We met about a year ago when working abroad, but for me, the friendship always felt forced and unnatural. Whilst they live in a country that’s not far to fly from, I’ve felt pressure to keep in touch... and visit her.

    Maybe this is me just being shallow, but I’m all for meeting up. But not for a week at a time when there’s no romantic connection. I felt earlier this year when I visited and was encouraged to stay for five days, I overstayed my welcome. Regardless, I’m a gay man and she’s a straight woman now dating one of my closest male friends.

    She’s constantly after FaceTime calls, texting me everyday and it has become very suffocating. Things started to show when we were working abroad that perhaps she was quite intense, but I’ve found the attention overwhelming.

    Maybe I should’ve spoken up then, but she insists on coming over when I’m working and on one occasion asked to come over when I was having to attend a funeral... and she said that she has “black clothes she could wear.” That instant just freaked me out.

    I feel she shouldn’t be this obsessed with me. Close friends don’t have to speak everyday. We are supposed to meet up tomorrow when she’s over to visit my close friend. I don’t want it to be awkward because I missed a FaceTime call from her yesterday. We scheduled one, but due to work and long working hours, I couldn’t pick up. I asked to rearrange and she’s now fallen out with me... she tried to ring five times. That to me, that is rather intense and unnecessary.

    How do I make it not awkward yet tell her she’s being too intense and I find it suffocating?
     
    #1 flikflak1, Oct 20, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2017
  2. Necrose

    Necrose
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    Be up front and just say it. It's only as awkward as you think it is.
     
    #2 Necrose, Oct 20, 2017
  3. Devil Dave

    Devil Dave
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    I think you should just be honest and say you want her to back off and give you space. If she's doing it to the point that she's bothering you at a funeral, then she's showing a lack of respect for your personal life, and you need to let her know that. It also seems like she's taking advantage of how placid you are, because you don't want to hurt her feelings, and she knows that, so she's pushing her luck with you.

    I know it's unpleasant to be in a position where you have to stand up and draw a line on a friend's behavior towards you, but I've come close to becoming that obsessed friend, and I think if the person was up front with me, it would have done me some good and I would have adjusted my attitude a lot sooner.
     
    #3 Devil Dave, Oct 20, 2017
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