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A possible narcissists parent.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Feb 1, 2021.

  1. brainwashed

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    I love Les Carter's YouTube videos. I watch them with pen and paper and take notes. I then take the notes and reflect on points Mr. Carter has made in his videos.

    I've listened to the below listed vid about three times now.

    It should be noted these vids are not a substitute for therapy. It's my opinion they can help create a better therapy session because you can ask better questions AND see if a therapist is on track with your therapy. (I had one therapist who said they were LGBT knowledgeable but didn't know what the term internalized homophobia meant. I kid you not.)

    I believe my mom was in or leaning into the narcissistic spectrum just a bit - maybe. She sure had a way of putting me down and silencing my voice. Example: She'd shame me for not having a girl friend. She shamed me for existing.

    The vid: What Is Echoism? 10 Phrases Narcissists Use To Shut Down Your Voice.
    Link:
     
  2. MsAnchor

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    Hi Brainwashed, thanks for introducing me to Mr Carter's videos I must have watched four of them
    Being victim of a narcissist is not a joke, I was married to one for over ten years and it took me years to get rid of him and his effect on my personality and the triggers involved and after that have two friends when were major narcissists.
    I found that I was not aware of the red flags and was in a position to attract narcissists into my life but now I am at the ripe age of 37, I was shocked at how much damage these narcissist can do to do and how their manipulation can totally fuck you over... excuse my french.

    Ex Husband: made me feel worthless, ugly, stupid and how no one would have had me if he didn't take pity on me and saved me from spinsterhood (he married me when i was 19) and controlled me till I manage to grow enough balls to push him away a little to try to create a life for myself. Just to make thing clearer, I am from a culture where arranged marriages was the norm of my generation and in my situation it was kind of forced.

    1st Friend: Sweet talked herself into my life, convinced me to open a business together then dumped all the financials on me claiming she was broke and she ll put in sweat equity, needless to say she bled the business and tried to get us to sell it so she can get some cash out of it. I managed to kick her out and retain the business and turn it around.

    2nd Friend: Made herself look like a victim and fool of me to help her move continents and put in time and money and give her a place to stay for a couple of months then help her with rent and residency papers then had a gigantic fight with me after several small fights to keep bleeding more help and money. I cut her off and ghosted her while she started by throwing all my efforts in my face then declaring she ll throw the money in my face (didn't happen) a couple of months later she sent an email framing me as the bad friend who changed and how she s fragile from moving and should have put up with her selfishness. I ignored all her correspondence and answered one of her messages formally wishing her the best, another angry reply trying to guilt me and start a fight I bluntly told her to fuck off and pay me back as she claimed for over a year then blocked her on whatsapp

    Narcissists are scary in what they can do to you if you allow them in, sometimes they are people who you can't cut off like parents or children but you have to know that they will never change no matter what. The only thing they are good at is building a facade but they never stop being narcissists.
    Stay aware and manage your communication or cut them off completely
     
  3. brainwashed

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    The info Carter puts out is addicting and very scary. It should be known that I feel my mom is in the narcissist spectrum. This is only a theory and makes complete sense at this time.

    They are so stealth.


    With my mom there were many red flags and I would challenge her on many fronts. But I had no training and no time to sit down and be objective and ask and put two and two together. I never asked the question, ok there's red flags here but what do they flag?

    If my theory is correct, my mom's narcissistic behavior pretty much destroyed her entire family. I ask, ok, something destroyed the family, it's all a train wreck, what's the cause? And by the way, lol, I love French language.

    Bingo. My mom made me feel worthless when it came to me not having a girlfriend. Then over decades she would put me down for not having a girlfriend. I'm a total worthless human being for not having a girlfriend. The secret here is, she was mean! And not mean just to me. She was mean to everyone in the family. (and also very charming, but I'm trying to be brief here.)

    Bingo. My mom. How do you escape.

    It's interesting to reflect on cause and effect. My brother cut himself off from my mom totally - effect. This confused me greatly and thought he was mentally ill. Well yes he was mentally ill, made ill by my mom - cause. When I stand back and ask questions, a clear picture emerges.
     
    #3 brainwashed, Feb 14, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2021
  4. brainwashed

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    It should be noted my claim, my mom was in the narcissistic spectrum, is only a theory. I'm am not qualified to make an accurate assessment. I don't need to be accurate to get peace. I just need "something" to hang my hat on and move beyond her destructive behavior towards her family.

    In a previous ECs post on how parents raise their kids and impact(s) parent(s) have on their kids, @Chip posts about a book by Gabor Maté's titled, Hold On to Your Kids, Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (hopefully I'm citing the right book)

    Additionally I found the article in psychology today interesting:
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...6-reasons-some-people-hurt-the-ones-they-love

    From my journal:
    Chip wrote this ECs post previous to the post below written by Tightrope, same thread.
    Gabor Maté's excellent book "Hold On to Your Kids" is the best thing I've read on this subject. It directly deals with wounded adults raising kids.

    The short answer is, we all have wounds, and we are likely to pass some of them on. Gabor says "Don't stress about whether or not you'll pass on some of your wounds. You will. The key is understanding where your wounds are, doing your best, communicating honestly, and encouraging your kids to be able to talk about their discomfort, ask for their needs, and share when they need support... and then be there, listen, don't dismiss, don't minimize... which requires going into your own discomfort. That really will, alone, go a long way.
    #6Chip, Wednesday at 7:56 PM
     
    #4 brainwashed, Feb 16, 2021
    Last edited: Feb 16, 2021
  5. brainwashed

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    Also from @Chip in a previous ECs post.
    What you describe (me in a previous post) is 100% the way that Gabor Maté describes how behavioral patterns, psychological disorders, and even physical illness get passed down from one generation to the next. It isn't genetic, even though it looks that way. It's passed down based on the caregiving parent's bond with the child.
    #15Chip, Yesterday at 9:47 PM
     
  6. MsAnchor

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    It depends on what you want from this, do you want to heal and have a relationship with your mum while aware of her condition or cut her off?
    It takes a LOT of setting boundaries and making sure you're no longer triggered by her behavior to still have a relationship or you could wish her well and stay away