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A married woman has a crush on me...help!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by zzzero, Feb 12, 2010.

  1. zzzero

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    I was starting to be completely okay with people knowing i'm gay and it not being a big deal. Like people I go to school with who i'v never told I'm straight. So my plan was to just act like I had been out all along and that it was no big deal. I had been pretty obvious since the semester started and just kinda did my own thing. Then I made a new friend who happens to be a 21 year old married woman. We get along great, she's kinda nerdy, i'm kinda nerdy, we have fun and we're really comfortable around eachother. The problem is the other night we went out to a bar for a friends birthday and she got a little tipsy (don't worry all you older folk, I didnt drink this time =P) She kept saying things that lead me to believe that she was taking my being comfortable around her as me flirting with her... She ended the night saying to me, when I put my hat on to go outside, that I looked cuter without a hat. I know she thinks i'm straight because she asked me if I like tits or ass better at one point... I just answered with "I dont really care." I wish I could have said, neither I'm gay but I just tensed up and tried to avoid the question. I think it was really obvious that I didnt want to discuss it and I kept trying to change the subject.

    Not only is she a woman, but she's married too! So how am I supposed to deal with a married woman who clearly has a crush on me (Not just from the incidents i mentioned here but the whole night over all)?
    I'v never had this happen to me before... It's very strange because I dont want to loose a good friendship or something.


    I'v been avoiding saying anything directly about my sexuality to people in my classes at school. I want to make it not be a big deal and I want to let people know that the reason i havent told them is because I want them to know me and like me for other aspects than my sexuality.
     
  2. adam88

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    Why don't you tell her that you're gay? That'll solve your problem, and you're being honest with her.
     
  3. zzzero

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    I wanted to, but I just got really nervous and tense and I couldnt get the words out... plus I didnt want to tell her if she was gonna get drunk and I wasnt, because if she kept drinking, she might forget and I'd rather not come out twice lol

    plus that's more of a coming out than I wanted to have with friends from school... I wanted it to be a casual thing, not a big reveal kinda thing like it was with my friends from home.
     
  4. Markio

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    Well, next time you see her, you can make it about her and not your sexuality.

    "How have you been since last night (or whenever)? You were acting pretty goofy. I just felt sorry for you, crushing on a gay guy like that. Especially with those other guys checking you out from across the room."
     
  5. Lexington

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    Then make it specifically about you two, not about you. Next time she says something flirty to you, take it as a compliment, and explain you don't feel the same way. "Aw, that's sweet. I'm afraid I only like you on the friend level, but that's still great to hear." Say it with a smile, and then change the subject.

    >>>plus that's more of a coming out than I wanted to have with friends from school... I wanted it to be a casual thing, not a big reveal kinda thing like it was with my friends from home.

    The longer you wait, the bigger a "big reveal" it'll end up being.

    Lex
     
  6. Z3ni

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    lol I had a 30+ married woman like me :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  7. RaeofLite

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    ^ I agree with Lex. If that's the way you want to go, go for it. If you want to come out to her (and she still doens't get the hint after you say that you want to remain on the "strictly friends" level, then maybe ask her what she thinks about gay people. I don't know about you but I don't want to be friends with people who are homophobic. But then again that's just me.

    If you want to come out to her you might be surprised by her reaction too if she already likes you as a friend.

    And that way you'll have something in common with her: liking men. :lol: :slight_smile:
     
  8. crazydude

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    You definitely need to be honest with her. The longer you wait the more you potentially lead her on and the greater the possibility of losing her as a friend. You can try hinting it, but honestly I think you maybe you should just straight up tell her you are gay (obviously be nice about it). Cause is she really is in to you and you try hinting to her it may take a longer for her to realize what you are hinting about, or she may be in denial and just brush off your hints as jokes. Good luck with whatever you decide!
     
  9. Holmes

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    Seriously, if someone fancies you, you should let them know. Just say, You're not my type, or You're asking the wrong boy if you want to know if you're sexy.

    But maybe you're jumping to conclusions. She's married, so it would be a pretty big deal if she were actually hitting on you. Good chance it is just as a friend she's asking you, or telling you that you're cute. She might even presume you're gay. It's not beyond straight girls to get a bit flirty or casual with gay boys. And her question about ass or tits might just have been her trying to get you to come out to her.

    If I see someone who's redheaded, or exceptionally tall, it's the first thing I see about them. But once I get to know them, I see them for more than that. Them knowing early on while they get to know you that you're gay doesn't mean that all the time they're thinking "So what does this gay boy think?" If you avoid a question about ass or tits, you are making a big deal about your being gay. I know, I remember that kind of thing.

    I started a new course in September, and they were the first group of people I was openly gay with from the start. In no way do I feel that it impeded how they formed their opinions of me. Your sexuality is not an unimportant part of your life and your character. If you hold it back, you are making it a big deal. It's not as if I introduced myself saying, "I'm ... and I'm gay", but it somehow was relevant in conversation early on, and I just mentioned it.

    On the other hand, with the group of people I had known for four or five years, it was a little more difficult to find a way to let them know, because it was a bigger deal. Being out is easier than coming out. Save yourself the hassle, get it out of the way and let them know now.
     
  10. zzzero

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    Yeah, this is good advice everyone, thanks.
    I should just come out and tell her i'm gay, and I want to do it, but the problem is she's in my roommates year in school and they have a lot of classes together and I met her through him. My only worry is that she'll tell him and I can tell her not to but then it looks like i'm making a bigger deal out of it. I do want to tell her and everyone else too, but I find that during the school year I lose all momentum in my coming out process because i'm working most of the time. So far only one, maybe two people at school know i'm gay but i'v alluded to it and just been myself pretty much. When it comes to saying anything, it's hard. I know you cant make people ask you if you're gay, but to be honest, that would make it so much easier.
     
  11. Holmes

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    I know coming out can be incredibly slow, because of the whole order about telling people. My sister is in the same group of friends as me, and it took about a month after I realized I wanted to tell people before I had a chance to tell her on my own. There had been a chance when it would have been perfect to mention it, but with her there, I had to wait. And with certain other people there was a similar calculus. Which is fair enough.

    But people realize that kind of thing. Don't put it as "I don't want you to tell my roommate", but say "I want to tell my roommate myself".

    And in fairness, if you get on with your roommate at all, I think you really should tell him soon. For both your sakes.