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A heartwarming return to EC - Friend problem

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by jonnemack, Oct 10, 2017.

  1. jonnemack

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    Feels good to be back to EC, more than three years later. It has been a good period of time, I graduated, I started working as a lawyer with my father and life's been good so far.

    Even though I still have some of the old problems, such as being in the closet with 25 years of age, I grew confidence and I trust myself way more now. Some of my friends know I am gay, but only that... Family is still a problem I'll face later on. For now, I'll briefly introduce the reason I'm back to EC.

    There's this guy...

    I met him last year during a cerimony where new lawyers recieve their sort of "registry" oficially. I cared to memorize his full name and seach him online to add him, after cracking a few jokes to him personally in a waiting line that same day. Oddly, we have so many common friends.

    As days go by last year, we met a few times and just talked during events. By his social media you can't tell he is gay, not even personally. But my gaydar is usually never wrong, even though some of you guys don't believe such a thing exists. He only has female friends and never ever made a "macho" type as it would be expected from a middle-class white male in my country.

    Normally I wouldn't enter in details with strangers, but EC felt like my second home when I most needed, so... This guy just makes me crazy. His voice, his behavior, the way he laughs, that smile... I really thought I'd ever feel that again after so many deceptions in my life, but I had a spark once again and I feel great.

    At the same time, recently we started talking a lot more through social media and he seemed more interested in seeing me in events. He even kinda asked me out to drink something after a lecture at the university where he's getting his masters degree. That unfortunately did not worked out, as he could not attend it.

    I really don't want to get to a bar or a party to get wasted only to have "answers" from him. That's where I need help... How can we be open about each other's sexuality without creating an unconfortable mood? Which traits can I get from him in order to know his orientation? In which way I can be clear about myself as well, without being unpolitely direct?

    Phew! I know I said briefly but, here it is. Thanks in advance, guys :slight_smile:
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Welcome back to EC. It's always nice to see people return and hear how things have progressed for them and I'm pleased you feel able to talk to us.

    It sounds like you have been connecting a lot more over the past few months and even came close to meeting up for a drink (at his suggestion), so why not re-visit that idea with him? You could say that you will be nearby and ask if he is available and still interested in meeting up for a drink. Seems like the best way forward to me and it doesn't necessarily mean getting wasted.

    If you are able to get together for any amount of time you could (should) ask if there is a special person in his life and if not, is he actually interested in dating. If he seems open to the idea of a relationship, what sort of person would make him happy? All fairly leading questions, but not overly direct or unreasonable, providing you don't jump in with them in the first ten minutes. Be prepared for him to ask you the same questions though and decide in advance how you will respond. I would suggest that will be the time to say how you feel.
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Oct 10, 2017
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2017
    ExPonto and jonnemack like this.
  3. jonnemack

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    Thanks Patrick, that was very comforting. Honestly I was afraid I was going to come up to this, to suggest the topic of "special person in his life". There's a lecture we are both going to attend next week and after that we might hit a bar.

    Everyone, feel free to groom me up hahahahah
     
  4. PatrickUK

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    It's an entirely reasonable question to ask. Over the years I have asked the same question many times, even to people I have zero romantic/sexual interest in. It's just a good opener in conversation. Is it possible that you are overthinking and analysing things because you are interested in him?
     
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  5. jonnemack

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    Gosh Patrick, bullseye again! I might let things go as it happens, but I also fear of mistaked I can make all the time. After being inside the "gay world" for some time, I realised it is hard to find someone with enough patience to get me through all my insecurities. Multiple heart breakings made me gave up on serious relationships, but like I said, this guy seems to be the only one to make all good feelings rush back again. I can't just stand the possibility in which he might imply I have some interest on him and then that tension blows the whole thing up.

    That's the big reason why I don't want to mess up, not with this guy. I feel like I realle don't have the moral or even sexual experience to deal with a great love. I never made mistakes before in previous relationships because I've never had one! That's the core of the problem I'm facing, as a matter of fact.

    It's late here, in you insta-answer here again, I might as well reply it tomorrow. Thanks in advance :grin:
     
  6. resu

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    Does he know you're gay?
     
  7. jonnemack

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    I never had to tell him I am, but I supose I made it clear. Do you think he hadn't got it?
     
  8. PatrickUK

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    You are overthinking and analysing before you've even had the opportunity to meet and talk. It would be far better to go along, be yourself and just allow things to evolve in a very natural and gentle way. I'm not suggesting you come on to him strongly and frighten him off, but simply ask him how he feels about dating/relationships (at an opportune moment) to give you a way in, so you can share your feelings with him.

    Sometimes in life, we have to balance risk with reward. If you take the risk it could go against you, but it could also be rewarding. If you don't take the risk though, you stay where you are tip toeing around the issue. And if it does go against you, what have you really lost, apart from a bit of feelgood? At this point you are only in the very early stages of developing any kind of relationship and even though it's understandable that you don't want to lose that good feeling there is, in reality, very little that can blow up.
     
  9. jonnemack

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    That's what is rounding my life since I know myself... I am not really a guy that takes chances or risks things, but in this case you are right. It is hard to know that even though he is gay, even though he knows I am gay, he still might not like me. That's life, in reality. That has been my life, in reality. Sometimes I feel I got adicted to the feeling of rejection, followed by a bit of rage and then some sad inspiration.

    Guess I might follow every rainbow untill I find my dream, as your favorite quote says. Maybe this guy is that dream, maybe he is not.