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A half-step

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Aug 30, 2014.

  1. nerdbrain

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    I thought it might be time to start a new thread. Here's my original one: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/149537-coming-out-35-nyc.html

    Last night I told my wife what was going on. I didn't say "I'm gay" bur rather than I'm starting to explore my gay feelings as real and not OCD, and that a lot of emotions have been coming up, and that I'd like her to come to therapy with me. She seemed to take it pretty well at first.

    She's been down this road with me a few times under the label of OCD. She talked about some other issues in our relationship that had been bothering her. She's become much more adventurous over the years. She learned to ride a motorcycle and goes on road trips by herself. She likes sports and beer; I don't and I'm sober.

    She just likes spur of the moment stuff, and I don't -- or don't allow myself to. I often feel like that is a consequence of my closetedness, like so much of my life energy is eaten up by the denial that I sometimes seem joyless.

    She repeated something we had considered before, which is that maybe we were just a product of good timing, a phase in each other's lives. Some context: we met just after she had recovered from a sudden, near-fatal bout of a rare form of leukemia that left her in hospital for a year, and I had just quit drinking and drugs and entered AA. I think we have been healing influences in each other's lives, and maybe a part of why we clicked was the understanding of suffering.

    Anyway she seemed really understanding at first, and agreed to come with me to therapy, and we were actually really affectionate and I was amazed at how well things had gone.

    Then I made a mistake -- I decided to show her the letter I'd written and she just shut down. It was mostly the same stuff we had talked about, but somehow seeing it written down in my methodical way instantly changed things. We both needed a couple of Klonopin to get to sleep.

    The trip to Cape Cod is cancelled. In an effort at normalcy, today we went to brunch, and then did some shopping -- which we almost never do together. We stopped in a new store in our neighborhood. She tried on a dress that was really just perfect for her, and i bought it for her along with a sweater.

    She said she didn't want me trying to buy her affection back. I said that I always want to buy her presents but never know what to get, and that I had recently picked up some lucrative projects. All of these things are true.

    We sat in a park for a bit and then went home. I asked her to try on the dress again and she looked gorgeous. I almost wanted to initiate sex but it felt really wrong. We took a nap instead, and I just woke up while she is asleep.

    I am much calmer now than I was last night. We have a therapy session scheduled for Wednesday.

    I feel like I've made a mess of things, and I am still deeply uncertain. May parents are leaving me voicemails, disturbed about my canceling the trip (they are still going). I have a feeling it's going to be a shitty weekend.
     
  2. looking for me

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    maybe showing her the letter showed her that you have been thinking seriously about this for awhile instead of a "spur of the moment" thing. perhaps that told her that some hope that it's an ocd thing instead of an orientation thing is gone, sometimes those back of the mind faint hopes are very powerful and we dont realize it till they're gone.
     
  3. nerdbrain

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    @Looking For Me, That does make sense.

    Not that it would matter from her perspective but I wrote the letter on Tuesday, just 3 days before I told her. I guess maybe it was the tone of the letter, which was a lot more decisive than I have been in person.

    I feel smarmy about hiding my indecision. In most respects I am a pretty decisive guy.

    Things are "back to normal" now. It feels good not be in a state of chaos for awhile.