I'm trying to keep my chin up but it's all just so hard. I think I mentioned when I first posted a few months back but I have been suffering from continuous ear ringing (tinnitus) for 6 months. Perhaps not coincidentally it began around the same time I started questioning everything. I'm still not sure if it's related to stress, diet, or if totally random, but it's gotten so much worse this week. Suddenly nothing else matters. I have no excitement, optimism, or certainty for anything. The ringing and hearing distortion in one ear makes everything uneven and puts me in a miserable daze making all my thoughts more negative. Suddenly I am like what the heck am I doing?? I'm unpacking boxes in our gorgeous new home, looking at the large blank slate of a yard, empty walls... thinking, am I just living in a future that will never be? No kids running around the yard with a swing set, no family photos on the walls, no future memories. We don't want to buy nice furniture or install built-in shelves if we don't know if we will be here a few months from now. Limbo continues. Being in the new house as a family- it all feels so confusing. I have felt sick and uncertain. I don't know what I am supposed to feel. All I can do is hang on, let things settle to a semi-new normal, and see what happens. I want to feel love and passion towards my husband. I just feel like it's too late. I'm trying to stay open. I have been telling my therapist the house was probably a terrible idea. But my husband needed the hope (and so did I) if there is ANY chance for us. If we cancelled it, it would be my indication that things are completely done. Although very complicated, if we do not stay in the house we will make it a rental property. I just wish it was all easier. And I wish I wasn't going through this ALL at once. New job, moving 3 times in 2 months, ear ringing, thinking I'm lesbian...... things can only get better, right? Thanks for reading my vent. I'm trying to keep positive.
I"m so sorry about the tinnitus. I had it after a respiratory illness, and I was so freaked out since I'm a musician. I saw a specialist, and through the use of antihistamines and wearing an ear plug to protect that ear from excessive noise for several weeks, it resolved. I hope yours resolves too! Sounds like you are going through a really rough period. I promise it will get better! HUGS!
That tinnitus sounds terrible! It's so hard to keep landing back at the "what am I doing!?" stage. You have been through a lot. Some moments it all feel like the velocity of change is so fast and some moments it feels like a prison where time stands still. I do think that once we come out on the other side of this journey, wherever it takes us, we'll be as resilient as hell. I too feel like it's two steps forward, one step back. I did eventually work up the courage to tell my two friends that I was gay and I remember watching their faces when I said it. They were both just waiting to hear what was actually wrong. They didn't think being a lesbian was a big deal. It was amazing. We had to run back to their house in the rain later that afternoon and it felt so poetic. The support I felt was so real. But then I get home the next day and I'm just so thankful to see my children and have the four of us, safe in our home after this very hatefilled weekend our country experienced. My emotions are so confusing. I think I need more time and more therapy to work through what being a lesbian means to me if that makes sense? Hope you can get some relief on tinnitus front. Hang in there with the house. We're here for you.
Hey I'm also sorry you are having such a tough time. Have you seen anyone about your tinnitus? Have some Internet hugs from EC.
Thank you so much! I really do feel the love here. I feel like I am getting close to each of you.. if only I knew you all in real life @RJay I'm sorry you had to deal with this too. Though that does give me hope. I will try anything and may have to try what worked for you. It is so discouraging in the midst of it. Though yes, I do believe things will get better. @leb10 yes two steps forward and one step back is exactly it. It's like I am in periods of feeling excited and proactive with life and where things are going, and then something happens that makes me like "whoaa slow down!". It's such an odd balance and it's crazy how easy to second guess something that felt so real and sure before. I'm so happy that you had a positive experience sharing with your friends. Whenever I have shared with people close to me it has always made me feel good. It's the best when you feel that true support! I think that giving yourself time to see what being lesbian means to you is a great goal for therapy. Letting yourself explore that may open new doors. I SO agree that we will be effing resilient after this time- regardless of where we are at. @silverhalo, thank you! Unfortunately there have been so many dead ends with doctors. I haven't worked with a tinnitus specialist (not common) but I have had MRI's, several audiology exams, and blood work and pretty much have been told to deal with it.. it often doesn't ever go away. I am holding onto hope because it was much better for a few months. It changes in tone and loudness. So I'm hoping it will ease up again soon.
I truly hope you get over the ringing in your ear really soon. Can not even imagine how uncomfortable this must be.. Yes, being positive should definitely make things better. I bet once the ringing stops, half of your stress will disappear. Since you are not definite on what to change yet, maybe focusing on your new home will stabilize the situation a bit. Moving and adjusting is always stressful. Hugs
Thank you so much. Yes I do agree if the ringing went away I would feel way less stressed. A few days ago when it wasn't as bad I was actually in a good place, feeling confident. When it's bad I sort of go off the rails and fall apart. It's hard to be strong when I'm dealing with it. I'm holding on to hope that it will ease up and I will feel strong again soon. I also agree that focusing on the new home and sort of taking our time in just being here for a few months will be good. It has been a few months of INSANE change and crisis. I just need to take a breath and have a realm of normal for a bit. I hope then I will have a clear head and know what my next steps are. Thanks again!
I really hope your tinnitus clears up a bit soon. It must be incredibly uncomfortable. With all the uncertainty and upheaval that you've been through, its understandable that you're finding it difficult. I can completely relate to your feelings regarding your new house. We're moving house in the next few weeks and I'm not sure I'll have much enthusiasm for furniture shopping. Hugs.
I'm so sorry you're struggling with all this. *hugs* Physical health problems on top of other struggles can be quite overwhelming
Thank you @LostInDaydreams and @kunoichi! Thanks all for the support. Yes physical health problems on top of emotional is just crazy. We can only handle so much. Hoping it is just a temporary flare-up.
No, not that I remember. I recall them asking me that when it first started. It is in one ear, which makes everything uneven and disorienting. Currently in my classroom the noises of the air conditioner sort of mask it, and when I use my noise cancelling headphones at home with white noise it feels much better. So there are ways of relief, but it also makes me more in my own isolated world unable to really hear.
I still think antihistamines and an ear plug on that side might help. I think I took allergy meds AND sprayed my nose with Flonase. They told me the spray does reduce swelling in the inner ear that can cause tinnitus.
Thanks so much! I keep meaning to buy Flonase as my doctor recommended it too. I was so skeptical but have heard recently it really can help. I will buy it today and try antihistamines. Thanks so much! The ringing seams a tad quieter today so I'm hopefully. Oh also I'm trying a very low salt diet as I know sodium can make worse. We've been eatings tons of food out because of the move, so who know.. maybe related.
@Findingmyself1 Man I can sympathize with you tinnitus and I hope it clears up for you soon! I dislocated my jaw when I was a kid and now get the ringing as a result when I am under a lot of stress or my allergies and asthma are acting up. I swear there are times it sounds like the Mormom Tabernacle Choir is playing in ear, so I know how frustrating it can be to deal with!! As for the rest, I think you are doing great considering all the major life changes you are facing right now. Its ok to feel like things are a little out of control! Those are valid feelings and you are entitled to deal with them in a way that is healthy for you. I know it's not easy sorting through all of this and wondering what comes next, but at the end of the day you have proven yourself to be strong just by getting this far without giving up. We are all here for you!
Thank you SO much! That means a ton and I really appreciate it. I'm sorry to hear you also suffer from tinnitus. It is really discouraging but at least it does vary in intensity week to week.
I think the big thing is we all have to remind ourselves we didn't choose this. We didn't choose to tear our lives apart and live this way. We didn't choose to suddenly wake-up one day leave our partners. We didn't choose to throw ourselves into this emotional turmoil that is impacting every part of our being. We didn't choose to be different. And because we didn’t choose this for our life, it all feels so out of control and unstable. I think a lot of us late in lifers feel a lot of guilt because of this and on top of everything else, it just gets to be a little much some days. But we didn’t choose this! We have nothing to feel guilty about! Something has brought us all to this point in our life and whatever the circumstances, we have to keep reminding ourselves that we did nothing wrong in getting here.
All beautifully said, @NeonSocks. Thanks so much. I agree with that all... we did not choose this so we have nothing to feel guilt of. It often feels that way but this is a great reminder.
