Hey, for those of you who came out later, did you always have gay fantasies? Or did you have primarily (like 99% of the time) straight fantasies, watched straight (with emphasis on the girl) or lesbian porn, and then somehow later it hit you that you are attracted to men more than women (like for me, in my mid-later 20's)? I know for me, I was very heavily attracted to women. That for me, this whole man thing is kinda new. After a little bit of time, I am finding I am attracted like 55-60% to men and 40-45% to women (about), so I am definitely in the bisexual range. I don't know if I will have stronger attraction to men than this. Who knows? And I hope I get some more of that attraction to women back. So I'm wondering about your experiences. I think my relationship with my girlfriend has improved in the past few days. That I definitely find it easier to be physical with her again since coming out. More touching, petting, things like that. I definitely have attraction to men. But also to women, for sure. So I'm wondering too, what decision to make as far as my relationship. Whether it will be worth to stay with her. I know many gay men who got married, who knew they were very gay from the start, got divorced because they needed that man. But I know this is not the case for me. Since I have at least a very substantial attraction to women, do you think it may be possible for me to have that happy relationship with my girlfriend? I am also going to look into the straight-spouse network, to see how workable the relationship can be, and also on bisexual forums, where men aren't strictly gay, but also have attractions to women, such as myself. Last thing I want to add: since being at peace with my orientation more, I find that coming from that place, for the first time in a while I have more desire to do things and to even spend time with my girlfriend, and even a little more with other people. At least I'm not panicking as much anymore, I think. Still anxious, but at least more willing to go out, and even smiling some.
Being Bi & married should be able to work, as long as you are Monogamous, Whether you are with a Guy or a Woman
Musician, I am so glad to hear that you are coming to peace! It is exciting to hear about this. I have to disagree with Dublin Boy on the necessity for monogamy. I have been in a monogamous relationship with my partner for what's coming on 27 years (omg). It started when we were in college, and although we both had history of attraction to men, neither of us saw that as a problem at all. We just felt right together...even engaged in some healthy male-bashing (as healthy as that can be...call it sour grapes...easy to knock what we knew we couldn't have). Anyway, our relationship was monogamous, simply by default...we both valued it, and neither of us saw a need for anyone else. But right about your age was when it *started* to hit me...although it moved more slowly for me than it seems to have for you...took me another full 10 years to reach a point where I was exploring bisexual forums. It became a steady ache: yearning for a man's touch, despite being locked into a monogamous relationship. Unlike you, perhaps, I have felt no real diminishing in my attraction to my partner, nor to women in general (in fact, frequently, I have ironically found myself in more danger of starting to fall in love with other women, rather than with men...but I think somehow that plays into my issue with missing men). But the urge toward sexual contact with a man has grown steadily. Now in my case the blessing is that my partner also identifies as bisexual. So we can talk about this. It took her a bit longer to catch up to where I am...but we're reaching a point where we both feel the imperative...the only question is what to do about it. Clearly, purely-defined monogamy can't last forever for us. If I knew earlier what I know now, I might have argued earlier for non-monogamy...right now monogamy is a destructive addiction for us. If something would happen and I would end up losing my partner, I don't think I would ever let myself fall into that pattern again...it's just not in my nature...my nature as a bisexual. I don't think I understood that about myself back when those patterns were established. So the real question for us is what kind of non-monogamous relationship can we handle. Full-on polyamory is also not in our nature...open sexuality. It sounds nice in theory...but I don't think either of us could do that and stay sane. I wrote about polyfidelity in another thread...I think that could be where this is heading. But short of that...as a starting point...I think just the two of us sharing a man could be rather nice. We've always been extremely good at sharing. And it would give us vital information. I didn't mean to turn this into such a post about me...but it felt like sharing our twisting path might be useful to you. I've spent many years thinking about these things now. My biggest conclusion for you is that monogamy doesn't have to be a given...in fact it can be dangerous...and an open relationship is not the only alternative. If you develop an alternative that works for you, *please* let me know.
Hey Annika, Sorry I didn't respond to that other post of yours. I don't think I was ready to think about it as I am now. First of all, I am jealous of the guy that will have to get in between you two ladies to save your relationship, hahaha! Secondly, I am thinking about the nature of my relationship more. My girlfriend loves me, and is open-minded to a lot of things. Like you, I don't think I can be polyamorous. But I am almost afraid that monogamy might be too enclosing. I think the key is balance. Maybe my lady and I can have a night every once in a while where we can share a man (isn't she the lucky one!). My concern is that I might fall for him a little. But, I do think that if I put the emphasis on my relationship with her at all other times, and nurture what love and attraction we have for each other, then we can have our cake and eat it too! So I'm thinking. Now, I'm in the very early stages of all this, and I have a lot of work to continue to do on myself as I live through this. And I shouldn't rush things in particular. A lot of issues unrelated to sexuality, but more to personality. That's ok. As I continue to grow, I hope my relationship with my girlfriend can continue to grow, and we can be healthier and happier together. And I hope that considering my sexuality, it can work. Time will tell, but I guess no harm in loving her and being very happy with her, knowing that it's not the necessarily the lie I was afraid it would be when I first came out, considering everything I know about myself, at least at this moment.
Yes...these do not strike me as the words of a "completely" gay man. You say you're afraid you might fall for the guy a bit (if you and your gf brought in a third)...do you have any concerns about *her* falling for him a bit? I suspect the dynamic is different being in a mf couple than it is for a ff couple, but it could be there a bit. I know I have at least as much discomfort around the idea of my partner falling for the guy as I do around me falling for him. I suspect I'm the greater danger (Kel is able to be much more reserved in her emotions)...but it still gnaws at me that she could decide "omg, this is what I've been missing all this time...I'm outta here!" Again, your gf wouldn't view sex with a man as what she's been missing...so it's different...I was just curious if you'd thought about that dynamic. I totally get the balance part. And if your thinking brings you something useful, please share it. And moving slowly does sound critical. It's taken me 7 years to get where I am...and no real resolution is actually in sight...but if I'd started this thinking when I was your age, sheesh, I could have taken a few more years to work things out and still been enjoying the results for 10 years! Anyway, I'm so happy for you that it sounds like you have such a supportive partner and good relationship to build on with this.
Feeling I'm 95% gay. Hubby is the 5%. Know will not date a man again. Love men just no desire to sleep with them. Always attracted to women just never acted on it.
Rose, thanks for the input. Annika, I guess I do have some concerns. Usually I don't, because I do trust her, but yes, I can see that happening. I wouldn't want it to. Maybe if we can rebuild our relationship after this time of turbulence, we can explore it, but with completely open communication on both our parts, I guess. At this time, I'd like to just be happy where I am before taking further steps, and I would love for her to be happy too, one way or another, but hopefully with me
