I’m suffocating. I know I am gay but I have tried to supress it as much as possible. I also don’t feel male at all, at least not like other males. I wished so many times to have been born female (when I am walking on the street I forgot my physical self but when I remember I am male it’s like a knife in my heart). I have been through so much in my life. Bullying, sexual assault and molestation and a physical accident. I am exhausted. I can’t fake this no more. Even though I’m well surrounded I feel this huge distance between me and the World. When I’m totally alone I realize. I try going out as much as possible to distract myself. The problem is I don’t want to change. I don’t want to belong to the minority. I want to be like everyone else. I don’t want a life full of sacrifice and judgement. I don’t want to die alone. I want a wife and kids. I want to be loved without judgement. I don’t want to lose loved ones. I am so tired. I am from a horrible disgusting country called Lebanon. I do not live there anymore (thank god). I am in London now and I thought moving there would change everything but it didn’t. I’m still in the closet, just a different setting. I don’t even want to admit to myself that I am in the closet, I just don’t want to be part of the LGBTQ community. I want to be a beautiful girl with a beautiful boyfriend and amazing friends and family. I can’t do that with myself. I don’t want to change genders surgically because in my head I will always know that I am a guy, with a chromosome Y and not a real natural girl. It really hurts like hell. I am always so angry at my parents especially and I show them that I hate them. I have this urge that I can’t control, I just want to make them suffer, take revenge, insult them. I don’t know why, it’s an urge. I’ve seen 1 million therapists, I feel no one understood me, waste of money and time. I wish I can wake up and none of this were true. I can’t imagine myself living 80 more years in this nightmare. I am so angry inside. I feel like I’m in a prison. I am suffocating. Everytime I am in the club, I see boys and girls flirting, kissing and girls dancing to the music I like, but if I try to dance as well, I stop myself immediately and that hurts. I also feel included in no gender at all. In between lost. I feel like a girl so if girls tell me it’s girls talk I feel hurt and walk away. Or if guys around me are making sexual jokes I feel uncomfortable and don’t understand their humor. Everyone is easy going sexually active... I suffer from bipolar III and extreme anxiety, I look 30 while I am still 22. I am exhausted, I have no more hair on my head. I am also fat. I feel like I want to die. Even gay men don’t want anything to do with me on ###### for example: I feel helpless because I don’t even have the strength to kill myself. Deep down, I have dreams and a light but I know that I could never make them happen, especially not in my physical body. My mind is literally dissociated from my body. Please help, <3
You say you have seen a million therapists and it's been a waste of time and money, but is that perhaps because you are not really ready for therapy? From reading your post, I don't get the sense that you are. What I did read was lots of confusion, anger and hatred (some self directed and some directed at others) and it sounds like you are unwilling, at this stage, to let anything go. You want to be someone else, you want something other than who you are and you don't sound ready to countenance anything different, so the cycle continues. The pain and distress is clear enough, but at some level you need to make a break in the cycle and that means confronting the fear, shame and anxiety, rather than railing against it. The fact that you created this thread is a sign that you want something different and that is positive and could be the first step. What might be the next step? You say you have dreams and a light, but almost immediately dismiss the possibility of realising your dreams and perpetuate the cycle. Maybe the next step is to allow room for your dreams to grow.
I'm very sorry to hear you're struggling. I've tried to deny my identity in the past, too, but it only tore me apart. Allowing yourself to explore your own identity, honestly and truly, even when it feels "wrong" or "bad" to you, is very important and helpful. In my experience, it takes more to suppress these core parts of your identity than it does to allow your identity to shine through, at least in private. For me, it made my anxiety and depression significantly worse, and as soon as I set myself free of those restrictions those things eased. I wish you the best, and I promise harming yourself isn't worth it. I've been there, and I'm so happy I didn't follow through.
Thank you so much for replying. I know that ‘praying the gay away’ or wishing I was born someone else is totally irrational but in my mind these are the only things I can look back to because I am too helpless to love and accept myself and I don’t know how to start. I am so impatient. I kind of feel deep down that it’s unfair being gay and having a harder life. Like good and kind gay people don’t deserve it, what did they do to be judged and looked at? ‘They are abominations or mentally ill’ according to some people around me. Over the years, people have bullied me so much about my body and my hair loss and for me being ‘different’. I am so lost in the way of accepting myself as I am. I’m living a fake life and I know it. I have tried the I am Enough technique, deep breathing, following ‘The Secret’... but it always comes back to me hating myself. Because not even gay people on apps find me attractive. So I feel like if I’m not accepted anywhere then I am worthless. Plus, even if I lose weight I might look worse due to the loose skin and stretch marks. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere and I’m just terrified of everything in life. I feel jealous of my straight friends. They are successful, easy going, attractive and fun, all without going through identity and questioning struggles. I don’t know if what I’m writing even makes sense, but there’s so much on my heart that I want to say.
-> because I am too helpless to love and accept myself... Sounds like you have given up on yourself. What's that about? -> I am so impatient. Ahhh.. that's what. -> I kind of feel deep down that it’s unfair being gay and having a harder life. Imagine for a moment that you are Albert Einstein. He had terrible problems dealing with simple conversation with others. He just couldn't get himself down to their level. Being gay is 1 in 10. I consider it special. Yes, it is harder, but you must be up to it even if you don't know you are. -> what did they do to be judged and looked at? Gay people are not responsible for the judgements of others. Other folks are responsible for their judging. Let haters hate, and lovers will love. It's all about who you want to surround yourself with. -> ‘They are abominations or mentally ill’ according to some people around me. I never said intelligence was common. Most people simply cannot understand how special and unique gay people are. That is their loss, not mine. I refuse their judgements of me based on their diminished capacity. -> Over the years, people have bullied me so much about my body and my hair loss and for me being ‘different’. Gosh - pick a feature, too big a nose, too fat, too whatever. You are accepting the opinion of idiots who cannot fathom what a wonderful, valuable person you are inside. That is their loss, and you truly should not be spending any time caring about their diminished opinions of anything. They clearly don't get it. -> not even gay people on apps find me attractive. So do you consider Albert Einstein a hottie? I didn't think so. His appearance does not explain his value. Maybe you want to be some form of attractive that you are not, while ignoring your true value on this earth? On dating apps, it's typically about great looks. That totally misses the value of a person. Start working with what you are inside that others would value. I'm reasonably attractive, but couldn't care less what others think about my looks. I am much more inside than visually. -> So I feel like if I’m not accepted anywhere then I am worthless. It's more likely that you don't let others know the person you are inside. If they knew who you were, they would love you for that. -> I’m just terrified of everything in life. Fear of the unknown - explore yourself and everything around you with an open mind. Don't assume you are worthless just because somebody else thinks so. They obviously don't know you. -> I feel jealous of my straight friends. I got news for you, being straight is not all it's cracked up to be. They have the same image issues, competition for girls, peer pressure. The grass is not greener on the other side. -> They are successful, easy going, attractive and fun, all without going through identity and questioning struggles. As if they would tell you what they had to go through emotionally to get where they are.
